UPJOKE
lavaigneousbbslassociatengokrautrockboulderandesitetufarockdioritelithicsoapstonepetrifaction

Aa Jokes

An alcoholic is sitting at a bar

He orders two shots. He proceeds to pour out the first one all over the bar, downs the second one and then orders two more. He pours out the first one on the bar, downs the second one and orders two more.

The bartender asks him why he keeps pouring out the first shot all over the bar.
...

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

An Irishman walks into an AA meeting.

Just kidding.

Why did the ghost have to join AA?

He had a problem with BOOze

My AA sponsor told me to stay away from places where I used to drink

I just sold my car.

AA meeting: "Hi I'm Chad and I've been sober for forty days"

"Not in a row or anything, just total."

I got drunk at an AA meeting

The details are a bit fuzzy but they said I was the life of the party. They invited me to come back every Thursday.

"Hi my name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic." "Sir, this is Triple A, not AA."

"I know, I’m trying to explain why my car is in the lake."

A scientist walks into an AA meeting. “I’ve just invented a cure for alcoholism! Take one of these pills and you’ll never be a problem drinker again!”

An attendee replies: “What happens if you take two?”

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group.

I've never seen Han so low.

Always have good insurance.

Me: Hey, I'm drunk and I just fell in the water.

Them: Sir, this is AAA, not AA...

Me: I know. I'm just telling you why my car is in the river.

Why do Canadians call alcohol anonymous triple A?

AA, Eh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mary goes to the supermarket...

Mary goes to the supermarket, needing eggs and bread. She is particularly fond of potato bread, but she can't reach it, as it is stocked on the top shelf. She sees a taller woman and asks for assistance. The other woman, happy to help, reaches up and grabs the potato bread and hands it to Mary.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little 6 year-old boy won't talk.

His Mother takes him to the doctor, who says,"He's fine. Just give him time."
A couple months later, his Mother takes him to a Child Psychologist, who says, "He's fine. Just give him time."
A couple months later, his Mother is cooking his breakfast and she accidentally burns his toast. Scrapin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Monkeys were in the process of getting into a bath, and one said to the other "ooo aa oo eee ooo ee oo"

And the other one said "put some fucking cold in then!"

So I was kicked out of AA the other day...

Apparently saying "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take" wasn't appropriate.

Some important news for electric car users. I learned today that, if you break down in an electric car, you can still use the AA.

But if you break down in a small electric car, you have to use the AAA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Called AA by mistake...

Those drunks can't change a tire for shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cockpit duties

Years ago on a long AA flight, an elderly lady asked if she could
visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first
what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his
responsibilities were.

She turned t...

I drink beer because I'm too lazy to walk

They say you should walk 10000 steps, the AA only requires 12

Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of church?

Because they were holding an AA Meeting

After Generation Z, the next generation should be called generation AA

It would fit even better because they will be the generation to grow up with batteries inside everything.

You are invited to our next AA (Acronym Abusers) meeting!

Please RSVP by the ATM machine with your PIN number!

What does a sheep need to do to become a lawyer?

Pass the baa-aa-aah!

What were the last words of the fish at the AA meeting?

"Hello, I'm the fish and I'm dry."

Two monkeys are in bath

The first monkey says: Oe-aa-ie-aa-oe.
The second monkey says: Shall I add some cold water?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to an AA meeting, introduces herself, "I've been through three relationships now and I just can't handle it anymore. My pussy is killing me." Someone interrupts and says, "I'm sorry, what does this have to do with your problem with alcohol?"

"What problem with alcohol? I just can't seem to give up the hard lickers!"

My wife told me I had to give up drinking

So I joined the AA.
Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake.
At least either way I'm on the road to recovery.

Did you know that a paraplegic can't be in AA?

There's something about them having a "12 step program".

My AA sponsor said coke & hookers are not an appropriate Birthday gift..

So i took my business elsewhere!

A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam.

The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been goi...

Convos be like...

Me: Hi, my name is Rick and I drink too much.

Them: Sir, this is Triple A, not AA.

Me: I'm just telling you why my car is in the river.

My dad’s favorite saying is “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

He is not allowed to host AA meetings anymore.

Did you know you can raise your energy levels by holding sodium in one hand and a AA in the other?

Worst thing that will happen is you'll be charged with, A salt and battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Karen and Karma have in common?

They both can be real bitches and bite you in the aas.

These batteries were dealing with an alkaline problem, I had to take them to

AA meetings.

Battery

An old woman mistook me for an employee at the supermarket.

She asked, "how much does just one AA battery cost?"

I had one in my pocket, but it was dead. I handed it over and said, "Here, no charge."

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Signs...

The following are all signs that you are a drunk. They include, but are not limited to...

- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

- Your job interferes with your drinking.

- Your doctor finds traces...

Why didn’t the AA batteries work on my flesh light?

Because my flesh light only takes a D.

You know times are weird when

Things that you wipe your aas with are the most priced possessions

Even though it’s a surplus store, I’m pretty proud of myself for going into Costco and purchasing only ONE item.

A single package of 160 AA batteries.

A circus ringleader and his wife were living with their main act, an alcoholic chimpanzee

The chimpanzee would always do the same thing every day: find the liquor cabinet, drink a few bottles, screech and destroy things for a few hours, and then pass out in a random spot for the rest of the day.

The wife could not stand the chimp, but the ringmaster did not have enough money to f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Amercian, a Russian and a Shepherd from mountains are drinking.

American starts boasting : " Guys , in USA we have such a big hangar , that it takes a full tank of fuel to cross from one side to other." Russian: " aa that is nothing , we in mother russia , we have such a large pot for potatoes , that we use two nuclear submarines for stirring." . Shepherd " Well...

A group of women had the last self defense lesson

After class, the instructor called them and said:
- "I taught you every move and every self defense tactic that you might need. But in a situation that none of the tactics that you learned work, there's one last move you can use. If the aggressor is a man, you simply aim for his nuts, grab them a...

Why did the radio start drinking again?

It ran out of AA batteries

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer on a bike route sees 2 men arguing.

The officer slows down to observe, and to see if the argument would become violent. The 2 men are bitter, and get louder by the minute. Suddenly, they both reach into their pockets. The first man pulls out some sodium chloride and throws it at the second man, while the second man get a 9 volt and 2 ...

Doctor I'm afraid of people that aren't blind.

Doc: I see

Me: aaAaaaaaAAAAAA

A boy is making sure a microphone works for an open bar stand up night.

Aa boy, not much older than 12 or 13, comes up to the mic and says
"Ice, ice, icicle".
"Pop, pop, popsicle".
"Test," and the crowd stares in horror as the inevitable is going to happen.
"Test, testing one two three"

What do you call a goat that likes cleaning?

A roomba-a-aa-aa.


(you have to make a goat sound when saying it)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen's Infidelities

A king is going to war and he knows his queen has overactive sexual needs... Furthermore, he is skeptical about the loyalty of his four servants.

To find out who will not have sex with the queen, he hides a blade inside the queen's vagina and goes to war.

Immediately after returning, h...

Charlie Sheen just received an AA coin in relation to maintaining sobriety for a year

Next to his HIV diagnosis, this may be the second most positive experience of his life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little old lady

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?”

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”

The little lady, holdi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is walking around a grocery store...

...completing her shopping list. When she finally collects what she came for, she makes her way to the cashier and unloads her basket onto the conveyer.

The clerk begins to ring up her items;
He grabs her container of mixed salad greens and passes it over the barcode scanner. 'BOOP' sou...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.