UPJOKE

After Dinner Jokes

After dinner I started to pack the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, when it suddenly started talking!

In a really dejected, pitiful voice it told me, "Don't bother pal, I'm useless. I'll never get that crusty lasagne off that pan. I'm terrible. The glassware will all have water spots by the time I'm done. I'm the worst appliance in this house!!"

I said, "What's wrong with you?!"

"Nothi...

A son, who had rejected his father's wish for him to follow in his footsteps as an ornithologist and left home as a young man, returns many years later. After dinner, the two go for a walk.

The son sees a large bird flying overhead. Out of a sincere desire to reconnect, he points it out, and says, "Father, is that a hawk?"

Understanding the gesture, the father does not want to correct his son by informing him that it is actually a vulture. Instead, he offers a hint.

"Ca...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are mil...

A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock. About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.

“What??? I d...

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy. “Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied. After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”

“Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

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What's the Quaker man's favorite after dinner delight?

Oatmeal cream pie

Why was the Italian locked out after dinner?

because he had 'gnocchi'

Three priests are talking after dinner ...

Three priests meet up for dinner. After dinner they're talking about how they divide up the collection from the congregation between the church and themselves. The first priest says, I draw a circle on the ground and throw all the money up in air. Whatever falls in the circle I keep and the rest goe...

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

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A man goes to a priest to confess.

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned" says the man.

“What did you sin, my son?" the priest asks him.

“Well, my wife and I went to my sister-in-law’s for dinner, we had dinner, then as soon as we were going to go home, the weather, father, it was getting cloudy and it looked like it ...

While teaching a class,

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:


"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The te...

What did the man say after taking a small french woman to his room after dinner?

Bon a petite

This one was from my daughter after dinner.

What did the linguini say to the spaghetti squash?


IMPASTA!

After dinner a wife comes into the kitchen

and sees her husband sitting at the dinner table with a fly swatter and asks what he is doing.
Husband: I'm killing flies. I already got two male flies and three females.
Wife: How do you know whether they are male or female.
Husband: Well, I got two on my beer and three on my wallet.

I tell ya, my wife is a lousy cook.

After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count 'em!

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table...

I needed a running start, but I did it!

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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

EINSTEINIUM

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.
"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Wh...

A man buys a pack of condoms at the pharmacy...

The pharmacist says "Large pack, huh?" The guy buying says "Yeah. I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents tonight. After dinner when we go home we'll be getting it on." Later at the dinner, the guy is praying before he eats his food. His girlfriend says "I didn't know you were religious." The guy replie...

What do rodents do after dinner?

Gopher a walk.

I once had a dog with no legs. I named him Cigarette.

Because every night after dinner I would take him to the park for a drag.

Why did the vampire feel tired after dinner?

All the blood had rushed to his stomach.

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Guy goes to the doctor

"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't even think about getting out of bed without making love to my wife. I pick up my secretary up for a ride to work and she gives me a BJ on the way.

Doc says "Ok."

Guy says, " Around 10 or so, I'll take one of the receptionists into Xerox room and we'll d...

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

Doctor Who was still hungry after dinner....

So he went back four seconds.

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Bill and Hillary

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it ...

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A doctor and his wife were playing golf at the local country club.

While on the 1st tee, his wife drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. The doctor was amazed and exclaimed, "Wow! I've never seen you hit the ball this well before!" His wife replied, "Well, I took lessons."

A couple of days later, the doctor and his wife were on the tennis cour...

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A man says to his doctor "Doctor, I have an embarrassing sexual problem"

The doctor says "Tell me about your sex life,"

The man says "Well, first thing in the morning, the wife and I have a quick 'morning glory'. Then I go to work and about eleven o'clock my secretary gives me a BJ at my desk. I nip home at lunchtime and do the wife over the kitchen table, then af...

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two women are chatting in the office....

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled o...

A teenage girl brings home her boyfriend to meet her parents

Her parents are disgusted by the boyfriend's crazy haircut, excessive tattoos and piercings.

After dinner, the girl's mom tells her, "Honey, he doesn't seem to be a nice boy. Are you sure about this?"

"Oh please mom." the girl begged. "If he wasn't a nice person why would he be doing...

A cannibal isn't feeling too great after dinner last night.

*Disclaimer: better when told, not written. Tell your friends!*

He pays a visit to his witch doctor.

WD: Describe what you ate last night?

C: He was wearing a thick brown robe, with a rope around his waist. He was a little plump around the middle and had a bald spot on the top o...

Every night after dinner, Merle

took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door...

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