Accepted Jokes - 44 Hilarious Accepted Jokes

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A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.

He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.

“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”

The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,

“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”

The country boy r...

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

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What did the Urologist say to the student who just got accepted in Urology School?

"Urine"

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Nobel Physiology prize winner To Youyou has been internationally accepted.....

.....as the worst person to have to sing "Happy Birthday" to!

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someone offered me a cheap circumcision so i accepted

it was a ripoff

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I just accepted a senior management position on the old MacDonald farm

I'm the CIEIO

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Being accepted into the Baptist church requires a tough test.

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'...

In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

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I just got accepted to make a porno.

I play the role of the husband going off to work whilst my wife waits for the plumber to come and fix the washing machine.

How cool is that!

Alan Turing wasn't accepted when he was alive

And now, when he's going to be on the new £50 note, won't be accepted in death either.

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Why weren’t the ghost parents accepted in the new housing complex?

Because they were Trans-parent

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A janitor gets accepted into Nascar

His car goes "Broom, Broom"

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Why did Akbar didn't get accepted into Hogwarts?

Because he is a "Mughal"

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My husband's spent the past decade training to get into the Olympics, and after much blood, sweat, and tears, they've finally accepted him!

He starts cleaning the toilets tomorrow.

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Three good friends, Jake, John, and Jack, are accepted into Heaven

Three good friends, Jake, John, and Jack, are accepted into Heaven. However, before they enter, Saint Peter warns them that there are miniature ducks all over Heaven, and that they are to never, ever, step on them. With that, he leads them into the magnificent realm of Heaven.

After some tim...

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

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Why didn't Hitler get accepted to art school?

Because he didn't like to mix colours

97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact.

The rest of them are in North America.

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Matt Damon is to star in a new movie about a man who has accepted Jesus as his Savior or Redeemer.

The Bourne Again Christian

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What is the accepted currency in Australia?

Outbucks.

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Finally accepted to the new Miming Guild.

Can't tell you how excited I am.

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Harvard University accepted my application!

I'm going to be their best janitor!

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My grandfather asked god to take away all of his worries. God accepted his prayer.

We finished burying him yesterday.

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Password not accepted.

I just decided to buy something on-line and I needed to create a new password. I used the word "mypenis" but it was not accepted. They said it needed to be longer.

A new undertaker firm has started using glass coffins. Will they be accepted?

Remains to be seen

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A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

A guy asks a girl to prom and she accepted...

.... They both spent all of prom night dancing and taking photos, they were having a wonderful time with each other. The man decided to go get some punch and food for both of them, he went to get the punch first because he was expecting a big line and he didn’t want the food to go cold while he was ...

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What's the first step in getting accepted to carpentry school?

Submitting a stool sample.

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Mark was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage

as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.

In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All he kept saying wa...

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Did you hear about the girl who wasn't accepted into the emo club?

She couldn't make the cut.

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A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

Why did the fish not get accepted into college?

His grades were below sea level

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So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

Are one-liners accepted?

I immediately stopped telling people I was xenophobic when I realized it doesn't mean "afraid of xenomorphs".

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My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed

They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.

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The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.

The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car ...

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

Sandy, an 18 year old boy, desperately wants a car.

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. Sandy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, Sandy tells his mo...

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English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

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The other day, some guy offered me a seat on a bus and like an idiot I accepted...

...six fucking hours I drove that bus.

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I've accepted that my brother is never paying back that money I loaned him...

I've lost interest, and I'm just giving up on the principal.

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

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