Decapitate Jokes

Nothing happened though, he was a nobody.

I think it's about time I head off.

Wife: “What? Seriously?”

Me: “Yeah, apparently police reported ahead”

They're always ahead of you.

I guess you could say I was ahead.

Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.

I may have gotten a head of myself.

The peasants thought they were getting just too far a head.

Is to decapitate a pun master. It's the only way to get a head in the pun industry.

Because this joke is poorly executed.

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus... read more

They used a trebuchet to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordinance: a peasant's decapitated head.

It was the first recorded instance of a serf-face-to-heir missile.

They found his head out on the highway...

On the plus side, everyone got to jump a head in line.

(Sorry for how terrible this joke is. I came up with it when the news story first hit like a year ago, but didn't think to post until recent news regarding the accident made me remember it.)

They'd give him a second chance, but now he's a head of time.

Is to decapitate it.

Manager shows up, old stoner dude that's not having it. Karen starts whining and says "But you have to do what I say! The customer is king!" The manager looks at her in the eyes and says, "Ma'am, this is France. We decapitate kings."

A redneck sheriff in Whitfield County, Georgia comes upon an accident. The car is totaled, the driver has been decapitated, and his head is lying in on the side of the boulevard.

The sheriff gets out his notepad to document the accident. After detailing the rest of the scene, he gets to the h... read more

I don't think anybody in this room thinks it's funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn't it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid was going, 'Mommy, I want a balloon! Get me a balloon! Mommy, I want a balloon!'

KP Anderson

At a crime scene two detectives are gathering information on a murder. After gathering evidence and clues about the crime, they head back to their station and report to their boss.

Police Cheif: So, tell me about the case.

Detective 1: The victim is a teen aged boy with a brown and blu... read more

... they drift towards an island unconsciously. They awake to be taken captive by a local cannibalistic tribe. The tribe chief tells the first man that the tribe will eat his meat, and he is to chose his own death. The man thinks about it and decides decapitation. So he is decapitated.

The ch... read more

These bodies which number in the dozens, were buried in the backyard of a suspected mass murderer. Upon investigation, the police found a series of mass graves. These holes had been dug up by the alleged killer, and contained dismembered body parts, including torsos, extremities, and decapitated hea... read more

He was the magnificent king of the Triangular Kingdom, but he was also the executor for those on trial. He hung his victims, a sign to everyone else. But the way he tied the noose was strange. It would kill people in seconds, and for some, it decapitated them. After he died, the noose was never used... read more

Mr. Sargeant, we arrived at the crime location

*What's the situation over there?*, asked the sargeant over the radio

A woman just killed its husband. He was stabbed 35 times, shot twice, asphixiated, decapitated and then burned.

*And what was the reason for such an atrocious cr... read more

He's accidentally chops his finger off one day, inspecting a blade.

So the wife bags the finger up and takes him to the hospital. The doctor looks at it and performs micro surgery which re-attaches it like brand new.

Some weeks later the farmer somehow gets his leg chopped off. Panicki... read more

They’ve just been handed their new health benefits plan. Cletus starts reading it and says “Hey Billy-Bob, hey Bubba, check this part out, if we lose a finger at work we get $5000!”

Later that day, Billy-Bob and Bubba cut off Cletus’ finger. They collect their $5000, put the finger in a plast... read more

. . . he stepped out of the car and asked the nearest police officer what was going on.

The officer replied, "There has been a fatal accident on this road."

This was a small town, so the officer, figuring the man might know the deceased, asked if he would be willing to help identify th... read more

they meet a cannibal tribe. They are captured and the tribe leader says: "Finally, some fresh meat. And we can make some extra canoes with your skins. But we are not that cruel. We let you choose the way you die." The Frenchman may choose first and chooses to be beheaded by guillotine, he hoped the... read more

A man is in an awful car accident - so bad, that he is literally, well, decapitated.



Thanks to the miracle of science, however, his body was no longer needed, and his head was attached to a bionic system which made him stronger, faster, and he would live longer with it.


... read more

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo... read more

A police officer in Newfoundland happens across a gruesome scene on the side of the road.

He radios headquarters to send in forensics. He then assesses the scene. It's horrible. He takes out his note pad and starts to record his observations.


He approaches the rear of the vehicle ... read more

...and sticks his head out of the side window toto enjoy the breeze blowing through his hair. A fellow passenger warns him - there is a narrow tunnel coming up soon, best pull your head back inside. The Irishman waves him away and keeps his head in the breeze. Two other passengers pull on his sleeve... read more

Two guys were flying in an airplane, over the deepest part of the jungle. Suddenly, their plane developed engine problems and they were forced to make a crash landing. After the crash, they gathered all the supplies they could carry and set off through the jungle towards the last town they flew over... read more