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Murdering Jokes

A man was convicted of murdering his wife of 30 years

Before handing the sentence, the judge addressed the defendant: "The court would like you to explain what made you murder your wife after over 30 years of marriage".
"Well, your honor" answered the defendant "it's mostly procrastination. Every day I kept telling myself I'll do it tomorrow..."

Did you hear about the guy who went around murdering people with a melted clock and long-legged elephant?

He was a Surreal Killer

Murdering people is not what gets you jail time.

Not properly disposing of the bodies is what gets you jail time.

A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court

"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".

The defense lawyer counts...

I've got to stop murdering elderly nuns.

Old habits die hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where is the best place to hide after murdering a black man?

Behind a badge.

I've been charged with murdering a man with sandpaper.

But, to be honest, I just intended to rough him up a bit.

A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute."

All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.

The prosecution says: "she didn...

A man goes to court after murdering both parents

Judge: You are guilty for killing your parents. How do you plead?

Man: Guilty

Judge: I sentence you to thir...

Man: (In tears) Please Sir, don't be too harsh. You know I'm an orphan

The author of the book " How to murder your husband" is on trial for murdering her husband

I'm now writing a book " how to be a billionaire"

A bus driver is on court for murdering 31 people

A bus driver is on court and being judged for running over 31 people with a bus. The judge asks the driver to explain what has happened from his vision and the following is his response.


Driver: I was driving the bus casually as I do every shift. I was going on the same route when I start...

A maestro is convicted of murdering his wife, and sentenced to die in the electric chair.

On the night of the execution, he is strapped into the chair and they pull the switch. Nothing happens.

Thinking it must be a power supply problem, they turn off all the lights in the prison and try again. Still nothing.

They turn out all the lights in the town and try again. Nothing.<...

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is on trial for murdering his wife...

The judge looks down and reads the charges, "The defendant, Mr. William Jones, has been charged with bludgeoning his wife to death with a hammer. How do you plead?"

Before the defendant can answer a man at the back of the room cries out, "YOU BASTARD!"

"Order in this court room!" the j...

At night,im usually surrounded by females that i feel like murdering...

Dammit,why do mosquitoes even exist

A man in Alabama was arrested for murdering his wife, Sister and Cousin

He was charged with one count of murder

A clown goes crazy and starts murdering everybody with a cast-iron skillet.

Don't get the joke? It's deadpan humor.

NASA has received reports of a rover on Mars murdering a feline creature

Curiosity killed the cat.

A mathematician was found not-guilty of murdering his wife

even though his fingerprints were found on the murder-weapon.

The judge had to let him go because of the mathematician's argument which stated that "As I am the 'prime' suspect of the murder, I can't possibly be the 'one' to kill her".

What do you call someone that are comfortable with murdering and gets payed for it

comedians

Police are on the hunt for a South Korean man accused of murdering his wife.

He is the Seoul suspect.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Murderous neighbor

A judge asks a defendant to please stand.
"You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a...

What was Eve charged with after murdering Adam in the Garden?

Being a first-person shooter

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