A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?...

Our town's oldest paperboy died today, at 84.

86 are wondering where their Daily Mirror's got to.

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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story:

There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umb...

What did the tired TI-84 say to the integration formula?

Meh, I’ll calc you later.

A doctor has an appointment

A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better.

He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?"

"1484"

Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?"

"Wednesday"

Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the...

Over 200 dead crows found along I-84

The Massachusetts Department of Transportation clean-up crew recently found over 200 dead crows off and along I-84 and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian...

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My 84 year old grandma tells her doctor that she has a problem. She says "Every morning i have a massive piss at 7 and a massive crap at 8!" The doctor says "That is very healthy for a woman of your age....What is the problem?"

She says "I don't wake up til 9!"

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TIL that 84% of Redditors classify themselves as bi-sexual. [OC]

The other 16% are the CamGirls who are Sell-sexual

My grandmother is an inspiration! At 84 years old she went to medical school.

She's a cadaver.

A man asks a blonde out on a date

Man : You want to go catch a movie later?

Blonde : Sure. Which one?

Man : I'll get us tickets for Wonder woman 84.

Blonde : Oh,Then may be next weekend.

Man: Why wait that long?

Blonde: Well, I need time to watch the first 83 parts.

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Guy goes to his doctor who runs some tests and comes back "I'm afraid you have cancer and you only have 6 months to live"

The guy asks "are you sure? Is there anything I can do?

The doctor says "We've run all the tests twice and we're quite certain. However, you might want to go over to UC Berkeley and enroll in Professor Hoffman's CS357 computer science class."

This guy is puzzled "Will that help me li...

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A man is eating dinner at a very nice restaurant with his Ostrich...

and as they finish up, the waitress brings him the bill. He owes exactly $84.38. The Ostrich takes a long drag from his cigarette, and without looking or hesitating the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly enough to pay the bill. The waitress was impressed but didn’t really give it a se...

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The kindness of the elderly . . .

When we get older, we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.  An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind . ...

I Googled "how to start a wildfire".

I got 84,500 matches.

A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.

When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a j...

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If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away

A man walks by a small store and sees a cat drinking out of a valuable saucer.

He recognizes the saucer's value, and he immediately wants to add it to his collection. However, he is sure that the store owner doesn't know that the saucer is valuable, or else she wouldn't let the cat drink from it, and he doesn't want her to find out and charge him for the full value. So he walk...

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Lil Johnny was is sex education class...

For most classes, he said in back but in sex education class lil Johnny always sat right in front. One particular day the teacher's homework assignment was that each student should go home and think of all of the different positions there are in which people can have sexual intercorse. When they ret...

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Mama Bear Papa Bear and Baby Bear...

Are sitting at the table for breakfast. The Papa Bear says "my porridge is too hot!" And the Mama Bear says "my porridge is too cold!". The baby bear says "bitch bitch bitch, can't you guys ever be happy about anything?"

... As told by an 84 year old Italian man who was a patient of mine at...

Joke Telling Club

My friend told me about how he started going to a Joke Telling Club. On his first time there he was introduced and got seated by a table where everyone was sitting and telling the jokes.

A woman said aloud "219" and some people chuckled.
A man said "478" and most people around the table la...

An elderly woman visits a walk-in clinic...

...where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what happened. After listening...

Jail Jokes

It's a man's first night in prison. Lights out, and he's lying anxiously in his cell, unable to sleep.

Suddenly, he hears a voice ring out.

"28!"

The entire cell block bursts into laughter. After it dies down, another prisoner yells out.

"84!"

Another round of la...

An old woman says to an old man at the retirement home, “I bet you I can guess your age.”

The man doesn’t believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

“Pull down your pants,” she says.

She inspects his rear end intently for a few minutes and then says, “You’re 84 years old.”

“That’s amazing,” the man says. “How did you know?”

“You told me yesterday.”

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This [long] joke always cracked me up..

My grandpa was stationed in Germany after the war. And when I was very small he told me about this little restaurant that served THE best Bavarian cream pie. Apparently he went there every opportunity he had. He couldn't get enough of that Bavarian cream pie - it was absolutely unreal.

Well, ...

Who were the fastest readers in history?

The survivors of 9/11 who cleared 84 stories in under 2 minutes.

The Spoon

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.

However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pock...

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At 60 I'm now having the best sex of my life. So much better than 45, 30, or even 21.

Just don't tell my wife. We live at number 84 and I think she might be a bit upset.

A man gets sent to prison

A man gets sent to prison and is promptly locked in his cell. Introductions are made with his cell mate and eventually lights out is called. After a few minutes, the man hears someone from a cell a few down from his yell, "84!" A few silent moments pass and all the prisoners in the cell block laugh ...

A man is watching the news.

All of a sudden, he sees an alert saying that there is a car driving the completely wrong way on I-84. Shocked by this, he goes to call his mom, who was planning to come go his house later that night, via I-84.

"Mom, be very careful out there, there is a car driving backwards on I-84."
...

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A man walks into a bar.........

So a man walks into a local bar. As he walks in he notices a room to the right. This room had four inch plexiglass walls and a faint locking system. In this room it was stacked chest high in 100 dollar bills. He contemplates what it could possibly be for. As he sits down at the bar he asks for a dri...

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A man goes to a nursing home.

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84-year-old father. While there he notices the nurse give his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
T...

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