86 Jokes - 46 Hilarious 86 Jokes

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On average, a person has sex 86 times a year.

Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a night!

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor...

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor con...

A lawyer goes to heaven

St Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks "Are you sure it is my time? I'm not that old?"

St Peter says "What do you mean? You're 86 years old."

The lawyer says "No I'm not...I'm only 58. Why do you think I'm 86?"

St Peter says "Well, we just ...

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

The inventor of the wind chill factor died this week.

He was 86 but felt more like he was 64.

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An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk .....

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, " You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what ...

A research shows that 96.86% of people in the sea are sailors.

The rest are πrates

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A 86 year old virgin woman dies.

In her will she requests the following to be engraved on her tombstone:
"Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin."
But that was too long so instead they put:
"Returned unopened"

An 86 year old man goes in to his yearly checkup.

His doctor says, "You're looking good, how do you feel?"

The old man says, "I feel *great*. I have a 25 year old wife who's carrying my baby. What do you think about that?"

The doctor says, "That reminds me of another patient I have who's about your age. He an avid hunter and never ...

My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school.

She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.

Jesus can walk on the water, babies are 86% water, I can walk ln babies, therefore I am...

In Prison

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86 year old spinster

Old Spinster visit the doctor for the first time in years. During the check up the Doc need to examine her lungs. Puts a stethoscope under her blouse and tells her to say 99. Ninety-nine she says. Docs moves the stethoscope to her left breast and tells her to say 99. Ninety-nine she says. Right...

Maradonna was asked by a reporter if his '86 national team could beat Iceland.

He replied "Yes, I think 1-0"

"Only 1-0?" asked the reporter.
.
Maradonna answers " yeah we are nearing our sixties"

This pretty much sums up the eighties

80 + 81 + 82 + 83 + 84 + 85 + 86 + 87 + 88 + 89 = 845

A husband and wife, both 86 years old, get interviewed by the local paper

for the occasion of their 60th wedding anniversary. The journalist asks the woman what she hopes their future might hold, and she says

"Oh, I'd like for us to live to 100 together."

The journalist asks the man, who says

"I hope to live to 101."

"Why's that?" asks the jour...

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I ordered two large fries at McDonald's

The bastards gave me 86 tiny ones

I threw away a bottle of gin, but it kept showing back up in my liquor cabinet.

Turns out it's 86-proof.

Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother

For $10 worth of bitcoin

B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin?

T: I just want to start investing for college?

B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you.

T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for?

B: I gave you $15.43...

Our town's oldest paperboy died today, at 84.

86 are wondering where their Daily Mirror's got to.

The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

How many redditors on r/jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?

87.

1 to install the replacement and 86 to point out it’s already been used before.

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and help with the dishes, she’ll slam my head on the keyboard

But I think she’s jokinsg72sjxjgcajx$sn8albxu081wuhxbanqkzvvwjalznjxqoidbz107zvvxjakUhevdz75g&86

The three greatest disaster of the 20th century:

hiroshima '45

chernobyl '86

windows '95

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He ...

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I'm still having sex at 82!

I live at 86. so it's only a couple of houses down.

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When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton

86% of the women in D.C. said "not again."

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The British, the French, and the Irish

The British wanted to find out why the head of a mans penis was larger then the shaft. So, they spent about $150 million and a month to conduct their tests. They concluded that it was to give the male more pleasure during sex. The French where not satisfied with their findings, so they spent about $...

Sam goes to the doctor...

Sam, who just turned 86, goes to the doctor.

Doctor: How are you doing, Sam?

Sam: Good! I just married a beautiful 25 year old and we are now expecting our first child.

Doctor: Oh wow. That reminds me of something that happened to me recently.

Sam: Oh yeah? What?

D...

A 32-year old asked his dad “why are you always drinking?”

His dad said, “Well, I’ll tell you, it all started in the summer of ‘86”

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An inmate is in the prison cafeteria on his first day in jail.

He's eating his lunch, minding his own business when suddenly another inmate shouts out **"86!"** and everybody bursts out laughing. The new inmate is confused, but says nothing.

A moment later another inmate shouts out **"13!"** and everybody bursts out laughing again. The new inmate is ser...

My dad was the world's fastest reader

On 9/11, went through 86 stories in 7 seconds!

4-way car crash reported in Mexico City.

86 confirmed dead.

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How many cooks does it take to change a light bulb?

Fuck-it. 86 light bulbs!

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[OC] My wife likes things done her way and her way only

When I make her a cup of tea I have to use the same type of tea, the water needs to be exactly 86 degrees Celsius, I have to put exactly 1 and a half grams of sugar in before the teabag goes in, stir it six times to the left and once to the right and then add 4 teaspoons of skimmed milk.

If I...

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Shower Sex in Detroit

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, sex in the shower. The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time...

The first woman to reach the moon is about to take her first step...

... she says "One small step for man, but only 86.8% of a step for women."

A dock worker walks into a Mercedes-Benz dealership and asks "How much is a S65 AMG?"

The dealer says:

- $229,500.

- Any good lease deals?

- $2909 a month for 72 months, $14500 due at signing.

- Still too expensive. Any preowned ones?

- Prices for this generarion start at $86,095.

- Still hella expensive.

- Would you prefer a cheaper ...

Who's winning

Went to visit my Granddad. He was watching a basketball game.
"What's the score Gramps?"
"92 to 86."
"Who's winning?" I asked.
"92"

With age comes wisdom

An 86 year-old man is out fishing. He was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up!"

He looked around and did not see any one. He thought he was dreaming until he heard the voice again.

"Pick me up." The old man looked in the water and there, floating on a lilly pad w...

An old man and an old woman are hanging out in a retirement home...

The old man says to the old woman "I bet you can't guess how old I am."
The old woman say "I bet I can! Let me try something."
The old woman reaches down the man's pants and feels around for a few seconds and says "You're 86 years old!"
The old man says "Wow! How did you do that?" ...

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Three race horses are sitting round a bar table and discussing their latest wins.

The first horse boasts that he's won 6 of his last 10 races. The second horse immediately puts down his achievement by telling the group he's won 11 of his last 15 races. "That's nothing!" Interrupts the third horse. "I've won 24 of my last 30 races!"

Now the other two have nothing to say to...

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Toothbrush (Long)

3 men apply for a sales job at toothbrush company. The first day the manger send them out for their first try at selling toothbrushes.
At the end of the day they come back and report in:
Manager, “how many did you sell?
First guy, “I sold 42.”
Manager, “Not bad”
Second guy, “I sold 86...

Baseball in heaven

Two men, John and Joe, had loved baseball their entire lives and in their old age they would talk about whether or not there was baseball in heaven. They both agreed that whoever died first had to come back and give the other an answer. Joe passed away at the age of 86, and John anxiously awaited fo...

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A man walks into a bar in Manchester

He orders a drink and sits down on a barstool. He notices a large, clear, plastic box on a shelf behind the bar with £20 notes stuffed into it.

He asks the barmaid “Ey love, what’s that box there for?”. She replies “Ah, that’s the 3 part pub challenge!”

Intrigued, the man asks her to ...

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Divorcee

Heard this from a friend a couple years back...

A man named Ted has recently been divorced. It was ugly; his wife got the dog, the nice house in the suburbs and the car, and Ted is forced to stay in a shitty motel in an even shittier part of town. Depressed and with nothing left to lose, Ted...

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"The watch"

My dad just reminded me of this old classic!

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says....

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