97 Jokes - 61 Hilarious 97 Jokes

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Henry, you are 97 years old…

- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
- uh… I mean what’s your secret to long life?
- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits

Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?

Luckily im in the other 5%

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

I once asked my 97 year old grandfather what his secret was to such a long life.

He said, "I'm just waiting until I can afford a burial service."

my great grandfather single handedly took down 97 german planes in WW2

Easily the worst mechanic the luftwaffe ever had

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.

\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks

\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confid...

This sums up the 90s

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99 = 945

My dad told me that 97% of all men mastubate...

The other 3% have no hands.

97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact.

The rest of them are in North America.

Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?

Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.

Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

Scientists have recently discovered that 97% of the worlds population is kind of dumb.

Phew, thank god I'm part of the other 5%.

A study found that 97% of people prefer bananas with the skin on.

Without one, it just lacks appeal.

What has 50 heads, 97 eyes and 8 teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

Some guy tried selling me his '97 Honda for $30,000

Needless to say, I left him to his own Accord

I'm right 97% of the time.

So who cares about the other 4%?

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A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, "Don't eat candy, kid. It's not good for you."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97."

-

"Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?"

-

The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."

A man visits his 97 year old great aunt at the nursing home.

It’s been several months since his last visit and she was starting to show signs of senility, so when he sees her, he goes up to her and asks “Do you know who I am?”
She looks at him and replies “No, but if you ask the nurse, she’ll tell you.”

A 97 year-old man marries a 28 year old woman...

2 weeks after the honeymoon, his wife gets pregnant. The doctor asked,
"You're ninety seven years old! How do you do it?"

The man replies, "You just gotta keep that motor turning."

A year later, the mans wife is pregnant again. The doctor asks,

"You're ninety eight years old...

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

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What is a High Wire Walker and a guy getting a blowjob from a 97 year old woman both thinking?

Whatever you do..don't look down.

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is ...

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2 Girls 1 Nerd

A kind of nerdy, loner-type guy finally builds up the courage to talk to two hot women. As he's walking up he's trying to think of something funny and interesting to say when he gets to them he blurts out "97% of women masturbate in the shower!" The two women look at him oddly but are intrigued an...

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What do men do after orgasm?

1% Do it again
1% Go Smoking
1% Fall Asleep
97% Clear History

I've been studying Canadian Geese for many years with an obsession in the V shape flight pattern, 97% of the time one side of the V is longer than the other, But Why ? I consulted the top Ornithologist and through years of monitoring flight patterns I now know why

There are more Geese on that side !

It was July 17, 1946

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t...

An elderly couple is leaving a funeral…

The funeral director stops them on the way out and says, “How old are you?”
The man replies that they’re 97 and 95.
The funeral Director says, “Hardly worth going home is it?”

It's amazing to think that we're living through a significant historic event.

Well, 97.8% of us are.

r/jokes is the most environment-friendly sub on Reddit

It is made of 97% recycled material.

A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

A farmer asked his trusty sheepdog to go out and collect all the sheep and put them in the barn for the night.

Oh course the loyal pup went and did just as he was asked.

He came back and told the farmer that all 100 sheep were safe in the barn.

Confused, the farmer said "But I only have 97 sheep."

The pup says "I know, I rounded them up."

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Three Irishmen are walking home after a night at the pub.

They're all a bit pissed, and decided to take the shortcut through the churchyard. As they pass the gravestones, one Irishman says to the others, "Look at this, boys. Ol' Patrick Flannigan lived 'til 85". Another of the men says, "Ah, that's nothing. Davie O'Toole is buried here. He lived to be 97."...

If I Had A Nickel For Every Math Test I Failed...

I'd have 97 cents.

Veterans Day

An elderly American gentleman of 97 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. He admitted he had been to France previously. "Then ...

A lawyer dies and ends up in hell.

“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 42 years old!”

“Just 42? That doesn't sound right.” says Satan.

The lawyer says, "Thank you so much, this must be some kind of mix up."

"Ah, here we have it," says Satan. "According to our calculati...

I found some nice smart clothing in a shop.

I walked up to cashier and put down a few coppers.

The cashier looked at the money and said, "Sir... this isn't enough. I'll need another £1,299.97."

"What do you mean?" I asked angrily. "The assistant said it's a 3p suit."

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

One day the shepherd dog said to the shepherd man: “Here are all the 100 sheep. ”

The man was surprised: “What? We only have 97 sheep.”
The dog said: “I know. I rounded them up.”

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A shepherd is tending to his flock when a man in a sports car pulls up.

The man is wearing a fancy suit and says, "My! What a large herd of sheep you have here! I would like to make a wager with you. If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have, you give me one of them."

The shepherd is intrigued and agrees.

The fancy man gets on his phone and makes...

Reddit has just released it's 2020 green initiative report:

Up to 97% of the front page is now recycled material with a goal of 99% by end of year.

Joseph Stalin is being chauffeured to a meeting when he is struck by a sudden urge.

He taps on the glass partition to get the attention of his driver.

"Driver, I should like to take the wheel for some time. I have not driven in a long while."

"Sure, boss!" says the driver, and they switch places.

Well, Stalin is a devil behind the wheel. He gets to 6...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him:

“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 m...

three times...

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...

It's important to keep fit as you get older,

my granny started walking 5 kilometres
a day when she was 60.
Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!

Blonde dyes her hair brown, because she's tired of all the blonde jokes

this blonde girl dies her hair brown because she's tired of all the jokes she decides to take a ride one day in her convertible. She's got the top down and she's cruising up an Old country road.And comes across this sheep herder. So she stops and pokes her head over the convertible and says excuse m...

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I was in Asda earlier...

this thick bitch was on the check-out, face like a slapped arse and all the charisma of a half eaten waffle.

I came to pay, I had only bought milk and bread but had no change.

"£1.03 please"

"Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a £20 note.

Haven't you got anythin...

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...constipated blonde

**Doctor:** ...whats the problem?

**blonde:** ...I have constipation, I believe it's an obstruction.

**Doctor:** ...OK take your clothes off, lay on the couch on to your left side bring your knees up to your chest whilst l take a peek!

...*the doctor examines her and coughs*! ...

My Nan died this morning.

I rung my best friend and told him

*" I can't believe it"* I said. *"I always thought she would live to be 100"*

*"Were you close?"* he asked

*"Well"* I replied, *"She was 97, so only 3 years out"*

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Okay I'm going to reach back in my memory here and pull out an old Buddy Hackett jokes. If you've never heard of him before I'd suggest that you look him up on YouTube. He was in a few movies. The one I remember was was it's a mad mad mad mad world. I might have missed a mad or two on the title.

So I'm walking down the street one day. Minding my own business. When down the middle of the street. To Hurst came by. One following the other. Behind that, there was a man with the biggest dog I've ever seen in my life. And behind that it was like 97 guys, all with their wallet in their hand. So be...

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A boy is sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar after candy bar...

And a jogger stops and says to the boy "Hey kid, you know it's bad for you to sit there eating candy bar after candy bar after candy bar right?" The kid replies "Hey Mister, my grandpa lived to be 97 years old!" The man says "Really? Did he sit there eating candy bar after candy bar after candy bar ...

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Guy walks into a bar, sign says Win Grand Prize $10,000, ask the bartender

So the guy asks. The bartender says, you have to do three things: first you have to whip the bar back's ass he's 6'3 and 250 pounds. Next you have to go down in the basement and pull a sore tooth out of my Rottweilers mouth. Lastly, you have to go upstairs and fuck my grandmother and she's 97 years ...

Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding...

The cop says to him "do you know how fast you were going?"

"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know where I am."

"You were going 97 miles per hour!" exclaims the cop.

"Great! Thanks!" says Heisenberg. "Now I don't know where I am!"

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On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'...

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Hosi pappa and sex

When Hosi pappa was 97, he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah: "Mr. Hosi, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age, I think that's remarkable."

Hosi pappa: "I just take good care of myself and enjoy whatever I do, plus as a Parsi we live ve...

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A little walk with dad.

So I was walking down the street with my dad the other day, and two youngsters, possbile who did not even hit the 15 yet, walked infront of us. And they were talking loudly and one asked the other "Why do some old dudes walk like they´ve shit them self?"

My dad promptly answered "97% its lowe...

A man walked out of a barbershop and saw a little boy sitting on the curb.

The man watched as the little boy ate three candy bars in a row, only pausing to unwrap the next one.

The man says to the boy "Don't you know eating all that candy that fast is going to give you a belly ache and make your teeth rot out?"

The little boy looked up at the man and said "My...

So an elderly couple

Jim and Jane, in a nursing home were having a torid love affair. Well, at 97 and 93, "torrid love affair" translates to a once weekly meeting at the nursing home TV room, where Jane holds Jim's johnson through an episode of "Friends".

This went on for a while, but one day Jim didn't show up....

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Two black men

are walking down a city street and come across a building reading "Only 98 cents to change your skin color," the men paused and looked at eachother. One Black man says "Wow, that would make life so much easier for us! I got 99 cents in my pocket." The other replies "Yes it would but I only got 97 ...

Senior Driver

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be dri...

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders a drink and looks to the end of the bar to find a giant glass vase filled with hundred dollar bills. He asks the bartender, "What is that big vase of hundreds for?" "Oh that's for our challenge, but nobody can complete it." replies the bar keep. Naturally, the man is curious ...

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