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94 Jokes

A 95 year old man and his 94 year old wife see a lawyer about a divorce.

The lawyer asks them when they got married.

"I was 19" says the man.

"That means you've been married for 75 years at least" the lawyer points out

"Yes. And all of it misery" says the woman.

"Really? When did you start to regret the marriage?"

"Almost immediately,...

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or com...

A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...

They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

This sums up the 90s

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99 = 945

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury

No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

My grandpa lived to 94...

A boy was smoking weed and drinking ronas when a man walked up to him and said the boy was too young to be doing that the boy said “my grandpa lived to 94” the man said “by smoking weed and drinking beer?” the boy said “no, by minding his damn business”

Why are 9/11 victims the best readers?

They can go through 94 stories in seconds!

94 Days

A group of U-Dinks were celebrating in a bar. "94 days!" they hooted,
"94 days!!!" They continued all through the night, slapping each
other on the back and drinking everything in sight. "94 days!!!"

The bartender was pleased with the increase in sales but puzzled by
the meaning of...

Jimmy Kennedy, creator of the Hokey Pokey, died today at the age of 94.

It was a difficult burial. They put his right arm in...

Did you know 94% of Fords are still on the road?

The other 6% made it home.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring....

A cat is walking across a train track... (joke from my 94 yr old grandpa)

The cat just makes it across the second rail as a train comes speeding past, cutting off the tip of the cat's tail. The cat at once jumps up and around, and its head is run over. The moral is, don't lose your head over a little tail.

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An elderly woman winds up in court for murder...

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your full name.'

Agatha: 'Agatha Louise Hewson.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your age'

Agatha: 'I am 94 years old.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.'
<...

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An Asian walks into a currency exchange and get $100 back for his exchange

Next day he goes there again and for the same amount of money he receives $94 this time.

He asks the teller "why $6 less today compared to yesterday"

The teller say "fluctuations"

The Asian man get up angrily and storms out slamming the door, turns around and shouts "fluc you Am...

A little boy gets $5 for his birthday

He runs with it to the candy store and asks for $5 worth of candy.

The man behind the counter asks, “do you really think it’s wise to spend all your birthday money on candy?”

The little boy thinks about it for a moment and replies, “well, my grandpa did live to be 94...”

“By ea...

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5,000 married men were surveyed as to why they like receiving oral sex.

* 1% liked the warmth

* 2% liked the sensation

* 3% liked the eroticism

* 94% just liked the peace and quiet

Our towns oldest paperboy died this morning at 92.

94 are wondering where their Daily Mail's got to.

The secret of long life

German billionaire Karl Albrecht used to play golf a lot. In fact, he had a private golf club, because he was a huge fan of the sport. He lived 94 years.

American investor Kirk Kerkorian also loved sports. In his eighties, he was rated top 3 tennis player of the country in his age. He lived 9...

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A smoker is having a smoke outside a bar when he is approached by an older non-smoker...

"that's a horrible habit" says the non smoker.

"My grandmother lived to 94" he replies.

"And did she smoke?"

"No, she minded her own fucking business."

dad, can i have 1 crypto please?

what?

you want $5,47?

what you want to do with $17,56?

do you realize that $200,94 is alot of money?

here $7,32 for you

Old guy walks into the doctor's office...

He says "Doc, I can't pee anymore"

Doctor says "How old are you?"

"94"

"You've peed enough"

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people,

94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

6 percent of covid 19 deaths in America

Were due to the virus.


The remaining 94 percent died when they saw the hospital bill

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Little Johnny gets on a bus eating a chocolate bar *NSFW*

Bus driver: you know you shouldn’t eat chocolate all the time

Johnny : my grandfather lived to be 94

Bus driver : and he did that by eating chocolate every day?

Johnny : no, by minding his own fucking business

A Man goes to a bar with his friend at his friend favourite bar after they are few drinks down someone yells 26

Everyone starts laughing including his friend and this guy is confused he asks his friend what's happening before his friend can answer someone else shouts 94 everyone including his friend is in splits now the guy starts getting really confused. After few moments of silence someone says 153 eve...

Brain reduction

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.

The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his bra...

As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Upon answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Fred, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 94.
Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Fred, "It's hundreds of them!!"

Did you guys hear about the 4 car accident in Mexico?

...94 people died.

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Caught my grandad cutting viagra tablets in half

I said “grandad, they won’t work if you cut them in half”
He said, “I’m 94 years old, your grandma was the only woman I ever slept with god rest her soul”
I asked “so why do you need half a viagra?”
He told me “I just need enough that I don’t piss on my slippers”

Mrs. Chang takes a 500 yuan bill to the bank to change for dollars

The teller makes the calculation and gives her $80.44.

Mrs. Chang returns the next Friday and puts a 500 yuan note on the counter. The teller puts down $79.94.

Mrs. Chang says "Last week you give me $80.44, but now I get $79.94. Tell me why it changed!"

The teller showed her t...

The Clinton Foundation is like my ex-wife.

They keep 94% of the money and still don't feed the kids.

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Hanging in the hallway at a high school are...

...the basketball team pictures from the past decades. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year -- "92-93," "93-94," "94-95," etc.

One day the principal spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos.

Turning to the principal, ...

My grandpa left to pick up his prescription across town.

About 10 minutes later I saw a wrong way driver on the news. I got worried since my grandpa had to take that route to get to the pharmacy and called quickly to warn him.

Me: "Grandpa be careful on I-94 there's a man driving in the wrong direction."

Grandpa: "It's not just one! There a...

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Three race horses are in the stable having a conversation.

Three race horses are in the stable having a conversation.'I don't mean to brag,' says one of them 'but out of the 20 races I've had so far, I've won 11 of them.''You think that's impressive?' Laughs another 'I've been in 35 races and won 20 of them!''Is that it?' Says the third 'I've had 50 and won...

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(NSFW) Superman is horny.

Really, really horny, but he doesn't have anyone to get busy with, so he decides to fly around the planet, to relieve some off the stress.

As he is is flying around at mach 4, he spots Wonder Woman lying next to a pool, naked.

He goes in.

0.94 seconds later he is out again.
...

Counseling

There are three married couples, a couple married one year, ten years, and twenty-five years. All three couples are in a bit of a rough patch, and the wives happen to seek counseling from the same counselor.

The counselor suggests each of wives to try spicing up their love life. "Before your ...

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Just found out men can have sex at 88.....

which is handy cos I live at 94 so it's not far to walk home after.

An elderly couple

An elderly couple, he was 93 and she was 94, got broke. They didn’t have a single dime and all options were exhausted.
They decided that she had to sell herself on the street, so she went out for a day of hard labor.
After a day she came back and put 20 dollars and 10 cents on the table.
...

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Arthritis

I've got an old friend, late 80s, who lost his wife about a year ago and can't take care of himself anymore. Anyway, we made the call to put him in a nursing home.

He was actually pretty excited about it. Thought maybe he'd meet a new girl since he hadn't had sex in over a year now. Anyway, w...

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Two old men were sitting at the park one day [NSFW]

One says to the other, "Oh, god, I'm so OLD! You won't even believe how old I am."

The other responds, "Oh, I think I can."

"You have no idea. I'm so old. You don't even know how old I am."

"Ok, stand up and I'll tell you how old you are."

First man stands up. Second man ...

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Guy walks into a bar joke.....

A man who is down in the dumps walks into a bar. He tells the bar tender how is wife was cheating on him and in the divorce he got screwed out of everything and has no money, no house, nothing but the clothes on his back. He then asks the bar tender what it would take for him to drink free for the n...

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hangs his head in disappointment and shame, knowing he's contracted an STD,

A old man who's been in a nursing home for many years starts bugging the administrator to let him have a weekend pass, to 'sow his last wild oats', he says, before he finally passes on. Every week he asks the same question and every week he's turned down.
Months later there's a change of staff, w...

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