The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters

So Trump can't tweet it

A senior citizen drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him

He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 170, ...

Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift end...

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I drunkenly staggered into the back of a taxi.

I burped twice and the driver glared at me in his rear view mirror.

"It's £50 if you throw up on my seats," he declared.

Another enormous burp left my mouth.

Thankfully I was able to control my nausea until we stopped outside my home. One final burp filled the interior of the ca...

The vampire joke

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The strongest one started 1st,

"watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "di...

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client

First the bad news:

The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"

Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"


"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

What did Custer say to his troops 140 years ago today?

MARCH 4TH!

A farmer walks into an lawyer’s office wanting to file for divorce

The attorney asks, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I want to get one of them thar dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I got me about 140 acres.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?” The farmer sa...

I lost 140 unwanted, useless, life-sucking pounds - in only 6 weeks!

I got a divorce.

What's the fastest way to go from 300 pounds to 140?

Convert to kilograms.

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Warning: no pun alert, I repeat: not a pun

A man from Serbia was working in Germany for about ten years now and he was getting nostalgic for his home country so he went to the boss and said to him: " Boss, I have been woking hard all of these years and I would like to have a 2 week vacation to return to Serbia". Boss approved his wish so he ...

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Satan challenges God to a basketball game, so God puts together a choice team from heaven and goes down to hell.

When they come back to heaven, it's with shocking news: they lost the game 52 to 140!

The Virgin Mary is stunned, "How could you possibly lose the game with a team like yours?! Didn't you have the best saints, the most generous souls, the philanthropists and Jesus himself??"

"Yes," fum...

An Act of Malicious Conpliance

Teacher: Write a short story. You have a strict 140-character limit.

Student: Once upon a time, Snow White lived with 139 Dwarves. The end.

We're in trouble

The population of this country is 300 million.


160 million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the work. 


There are 85 million in school.


Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal govern...

Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.

A wonderful uplifting story !!!

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'...

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..

They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It’s not because they’re worried about spies cracking the codes. It’s just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can’t tweet them out.

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Lizzard

So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.




Lizard Birth

If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's...

Blind pilots

So i went flying. I entered the airplane looked for my seat and sat down, just as every usual flight.
Suddenly I see the pilots entering. They both are wearing sunglasses and blind sticks.
I asked the stewardess: "sorry, who are these two? They cant be our pilots, can they?"
"those are one ...

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A guy walks into a bar.

He says to the barman, is that Trump and Cruz over there? Bartender says, "Yep that's them" so the guy walks over and says,wow this is a real honour! What you guys doing here? Cruz says, We're planning World WW111, guy says, really what's going to happen? Trump says, We are gonna kill 140 million Mu...

Math

Math the only world were you can buy 140 watermelons without your motives being questioned.

What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

What’s the difference between Jack Daniels and General Custer?

General Custer stopped killing Indians 140 years ago.

The worst part about online dating

is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.

Military joke

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the...

My cousin has two tickets for the 2019 SUPER BOWL

He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Temple of God Church, in Lexington at 3pm. Bride’s name is Beth , she's 5'4, about 140 lbs,...

Why I'm tired

For a couple of years I have been blaming it on lack of sleep,not enough sunshine,too much pressure from my job,ear wax buildup, poor blood,or anything else I could think of.But now I found out the real reason.Im tired because I'm overworked.And here's why:The population of this country is 273 milli...

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Don't keep the officer waiting!

So this police officer is nearing the end of his shift and really pissed that he hasn't caught anyone up to this point. As he sits in his car and looks at the clock, this speeding car flies by so fast that the police cruiser rocks back and forth. The police officer turns on his lights, hits the acce...

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Mathematical joke

The cruise ship is 600 ft long, 150 ft wide, and 140 ft high, but only 110 ft above water.
It has 18 decks, and can accommodate 5860 passengers, holds a crew of 1800 personnel.
There are 18 lifeboats, each can take 150 passengers in case of emergency, also 20 inflatable rafts with maximum capa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Leroy walks into a bar...

...sits down, and orders a shot. He drains the glass, swishes it around in his mouth, spits it on the floor, and says, "sumbitch shore can drive!"

The bartender says, "Hey! I run a clean establishment here."

Leroy apologizes and orders another shot. He drains the glass, swishes it ar...

The Falcon Heavy is now the world’s most powerful rocket

The Falcon Heavy can put around 140,000 pounds of cargo into lower Earth orbit, more than twice as much weight as any other operational rocket. This powerful vehicle could open up entirely new types of business for SpaceX: launching heavy national security satellites or even sending large modules or...

The blonde went to see her doctor.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," she said. "I've been very short-tempered lately. I'm always yelling at my husband and kids over the silliest little things."

"Sounds like stress," said the doctor. "Maybe you need to exercise more. Tell you what, try running ten miles a day. Call me i...

Topical Jokes for 10/19

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

Carmaker Audi has tested a driver-less car at speeds of up to 140 mph. The driver-less supercar is perfect for the parent who’s too drunk to drive, but needs to pick their kids up from school in three seconds.

In Be...

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The name's Brown, B-R-O-W-N

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6' 6", 275 pounds, white from the top of mah head to the tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ...

There are 280 Navy personnel on a destroyer when they leave for a cruise. Not a single one comes back....

...just 140 couples.

A man buys a new BMW...

He decides to take it on the highway to see how fast it can go. Once he hits 100, he sees the red and blue lights of the cop car light up. He thinks to himself, maybe I can outrun the cop. So he continues to floor it. He makes it to 140, and the cop is still right behind him. So reluctantly he pulls...

A highway patrol officer pulls a car over for going too slow on the interstate.

A highway patrol officer pulls a car over for going too slow on the interstate and, stepping up to the window, finds it to be occupied by two little old ladies.

The driver is calm as ever, but the woman in the passenger seat is shaking violently.

The officer looks to the driver and sa...

Pythagoras Was a Native American

On the banks of a river sat three Indian women, sitting on three different animal skins. On a deer skin was a woman with her son, and the son weighed 140 pounds. On a buffalo skin was another woman, and her son who weighed 160 pounds. And on a hippopotamus skin sat an immense Indian woman, who weigh...

A Chinese man goes into a bank ...

... to exchange some Chinese yuan for American dollars. The teller finishes counting the man's currency, looks up that day's exchange rate, computes the conversion and quickly counts out the American currency in twenties, "…140, 160 and" plunking down the last bill, "makes $180. Will that be all tod...

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Drunk Sean Spicer

Sean Spicer had a few extra shots at the White House ball. Drunk as a skunk, he wandered the grounds until he came upon the Rochambeau statue in Lafayette Square.

As he sat puking in the bushes, he suddenly heard a distinct pssssttt... Afraid that a MSNBC journalist might catch him in this st...

I wanted to share my novel based on the phone book over twitter

But it's got more than 140 characters

There was a Mensa convention in SF. (Grandpa's joke)

>
> Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or
> higher.
> Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my doctor that I was 20 lbs over weight, and my sex life was no good...

I told my doctor that I was 20 lbs over weight, and my sex life was no good...he said, run 10 miles a day for 2 weeks and call me. I did, and told him how happy I was that I had lost the 20 lbs, he said good, but what about your sex life? I said, I dunno, I'm 140 miles away from home.

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