Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

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I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive

My girlfriend lives 110 miles away

During my interview today…

I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.

I simply replied “No, I just always give 110%”

What has 110 legs, 250 teeth, and an IQ of 500?

The front row of a Donald Trump rally.

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A Redditor walks into a brothel…

And he sees four doors, the first three have long lines behind them and the fourth has none. He is greeted by a elderly woman. After asking why this brothel was so popular, she explains that it’s because this isn’t just a regular brothel, this is a special brothel! The man takes another look around ...

Always give 110%

Unless you're a statistician

I give 110 percent!

That’s why I was fired from my job as a cashier.

10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, 110, 120...

Don't bother me. My work here is intense.

Yes, sir, I know about giving 110%

but this is a breathalyser test, sir.

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If you put in 110% for your math test

You will fail it. That's not how math fucking works.


Edit : I understand that 110/100 is a thing. This is just meant to be a joke that makes you laugh when you first see it.

My IQ dropped from 70 to 42. I was worried. Then I checked again, it was 110. I was shocked, I checked again to find it was 150. I rushed to the doctor.

She told me it's my pulse and not my IQ.

A reporter is interviewing a 110-year-old man

... And asks him his secret to longevity. "It's simple," the man replies, "I never argue with anyone, so I have no stress in my life."

The reporter laughs it off: "That's ridiculous. That can't possibly be the reason."

The man shrugs and says, "Yeah, you're probably right."

I always give 110% at my work

Yet the boss always scold me. Geez, being a cashier is hard.

Old Man on the Fast Moped

Just remembered this one today. It's a great joke for around a campfire.

\---

Guy's driving down the road in his new Lamborghini. Stops at a light next to an old man on a moped.

The old man looks over and says "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks f...

I have a dilemma. They say you should always give 100%, and I was raised to give 110%...

but... I am at the blood center.

Every 12 hour shift I work, I always give 110%

ten percent the first hour. ten percent the second hour. maybe take a nap. ten percent the fourth hour. ect...

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

Ray has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, “Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old?” Ray replies, “It’s easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.”

The reporter is not impressed. “That’s insane!” he says. “It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or ‘something.’ Just not arguing won’t keep you alive for 110 years!” Ray looks at the reporter and says, “Y’know, maybe you’re right.”

Dad- I want you to score 90% in exams.

Son- Dad, don't worry, I'll score 110%.

Dad- Stop joking.

Son- You started first.

Last pull-over

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice eveningdrive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what wasleft of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red andblue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can ca...

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership...

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. But looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper behind him; blue and red lights flashing and sire...

A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...

He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.

The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where...

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A man sits down on a park bench...

and sitting next to him is a small boy eating chocolate bar after chocolate bar. The man turns to him and says, "It's probably not that healthy to eat so much chocolate." The boy stares at the man and eats another piece of chocolate. After swallowing, the boy says, "My grandfather lived to be 110 ...

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The prize fighter and the Texan

A prizefighter was driving across West Texas with his wife. He said, "Honey, I've been thinking. I've always heard how tough Texans are. Here I am with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I'm tough but I've never fought a Texan. It's got me to wondering."

The wife said, "Oh Honey, that doe...

Blind pilots

So i went flying. I entered the airplane looked for my seat and sat down, just as every usual flight.
Suddenly I see the pilots entering. They both are wearing sunglasses and blind sticks.
I asked the stewardess: "sorry, who are these two? They cant be our pilots, can they?"
"those are one ...

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Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," sa...

But Officer...

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car...

A man with a new sports car was speeding down an empty road late at night.

Suddenly he heard sirens behind him. He looked in his rearview mirror to see the flashing lights of a police car. The man thought to himself “I can outrun this guy.” And stepped on the accelerator. He kept accelerating. 90 miles an hour. 100. 110. 120.

After a few minutes he realized how stup...

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So I had a job interview the other day...

I sat down in front of the interviewer, and immediately grabbed the pitcher of water. Slightly shaking, I poured the water to the brim of the glass...but then overfilled it, spilling a good portion of the liquid across the surface of the desk.

Smiling, the interviewer said: "Nervous?"

...

Steph Curry picks up a veteran and a rookie teammate on his way to a game against the Lakers.

While on the road, they wind up behind an SUV and Steph sees that Shaq is behind the wheel. Steph kicks it into overdrive and passes Shaq going 70 mph.

A little while later they see Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Mustang. Steph floors it and passes him going 80 mph.

Halfway to the game, t...

An American guy was pulled over on a highway in Canada...

The cop said "Do you know how fast you were going?!"

The American guy said "I'm not sure why you're even pulling me over, but yes, I was doing 110 - just like the speed limit sign says."

A guy walks into a bar, and is greeted by a robot.

The robot says, “What’s your drink”? The man replies, “Whisky”. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ”? The man says 150. The robot then pours his whisky and proceeds to talk to the man about the space time continuum, time travel, and the multiverse. The man finishes his drink, and leaves the bar. ...

There's a new prisoner and he was assigned to a cell. On the way to his cell...

he heard one prisoner said "110" and the other prisoners laugh really hard.

Then one more prisoner said "93" and the prisoners laughs again.

When he arrived at his cell, out of curiosity he asked his cell mate why the other prisoners said numbers then everybody laugh?

His cell m...

I want to get weighed.

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 130 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 110 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When t...

A car with three physicists is pulled over by a cop.

Inside are Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm.

The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"

The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 110 miles per hour!"

Heisenberg throws his arm...

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4 Soldiers around a Campfire.

(Not sure if this was done already but I heard this in boot camp. If I fucked it up I’m sorry.)

There are 4 soldiers sitting around a fire.

A Green Beret, A Navy Seal, a MARSOC Gunner, and a Delta Operator.

The MARSOC Gunner looks around for sec, then says “I once killed 20 men ...

A gynecologist decides to find a new career

A gynecologist was tired of his career, and decided to go into an entirely new field. So, he signs up for a course in auto mechanics.

He does well in the course, and is confident that he did well on the final exam: A complete engine rebuild.

When he gets his test score back, he is surp...

Today I admitted to my girlfriend that I’ve been cheating. Apparently, she has been too.

She saw my internet history so I knew there was no way out of it. I had to come clean.

She used my Safari to search for something when her phone was dead, and caught me.

We play Wordscapes and although it isn’t a huge competition between us, I’m much father along in the game than she i...

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Currency Fluctuations

An Asian man comes to the US to do business and converts 110 million Yen into 1 million dollars. On his next trip, he returns to the bank to do the same, but only receives $990,000 in return.

He asks the teller, "Why did I receive less this time?"

The teller responds with a shrug, "...

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Mathematical joke

The cruise ship is 600 ft long, 150 ft wide, and 140 ft high, but only 110 ft above water.
It has 18 decks, and can accommodate 5860 passengers, holds a crew of 1800 personnel.
There are 18 lifeboats, each can take 150 passengers in case of emergency, also 20 inflatable rafts with maximum capa...

9/11 victims are the fastest readers.

They went through 110 stories in 7 seconds.

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The secret to success in the corporate world

A young professional parks his battered old car outside his office one morning. Stepping out, he sees the CEO sweeping into the car park in his brand new, sparkling, top of the range Mercedes S Class.

Starstruck, and knowing this company has an ethos of openness which means everyone is appro...

During a nationwide blonde convention...

A blonde convention was being held at the City Square. A blonde representative screamed out loud, "We shall show them that we are blonde, and WE ARE NOT DUMB!" She was greeted with a roar of applause.

After two hours of cheering, speeches and demonstrations, the blonde leader called forward a...

What state has the fastest readers?

New York, they set the world record for fast reading in 2001 for going through 110 stories in about 10 seconds.

An old man has finally retired and just bought a new sports car...

As he leaves the dealership and pulls onto the interstate, he begins to accelerate. As he passes 80mph he passes a highway patrol. The lights instantly come on. He puts the accelerator to the floor and speeds up, 90, 110, 120mph...

He finally let's off and asks himself what he's doing as he ...

So there's this salesman..

He's driving down the road, not in any particular hurry. As he's driving, he happens to looks down and sees a chicken running alongside the car. He takes a closer look, and sees it has three legs.

The salesman eases onto the gas. 45, 50 miles per hour; chicken's right there. He gives it a bit...

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90yr old man goes to the doctor...

" You're in great shape! How do you manage it?" says the doc.
" I drink a bottle of whiskey everyday to kill the germs."
" You gotta stop that, it's bad for you!"
10yrs later, the man comes back for a check-up.
" Well you're still in great shape, did you stop drinking that whiskey?"
...

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A man decided he was going to ride his bike on the highway.

He made it before the mountains just became too much and he couldn't bike and further. For three hours, he stuck his thumb out and no one stopped.
Eventually, a dude in a Corvette pulled over and offered to give him a ride. However, the bike couldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette fo...

My boss

My boss parks his brand new Ferrari next to my car. I told him: Nice Ferrari boss!
He responded: Well, if you work hard, set goals and achieve them and give always 110%, then I probably can get a Lamborghini next year.

Rating your girlfriend

A bartender notices one of his regulars looking dejected.

" Hey John, what happened to you?"

" My girlfriend broke up with me. "

Interested, the bartender leans forward and asks why.

" Well. This morning I told her she was a 60."

" Well that's kinda understan...

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Hooker wife...

A young couple are up against it financially so they agree to have the wife hustle on the streets to raise some cash.

Friday night, the husband drives his beautiful wife to the red light district and coaches her one last time:

"OK, again- I'm going to be right here. Anything you nee...

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The Gift of Friendship

Bob and Joe, old friends who haven’t seen each other in years, meet unexpectedly.

“Joe!” says Bob.

“Bob!” says Joe, “How are ya? It’s been years!”

“It sure has!” says Bob, “But listen, I’m in a rush right now. Why don’t you come to my place tomorrow and we’ll catch up?”
<...

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My 87 year old grandfather told me this last night

A newly married couple was having extreme financial difficulties. Finally the husband said "honey I'm sorry, but there's nothing else we can do. I'm going to have to put you on the street corner." He drops his wife off around 2:00am and picks her up the next morning.

When he asked her how ...

A blonde walks into a bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

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A man is lost in China

Jimmy is lost in the woods in the middle of the night. After hours of wandering, he stumbles across a random House. He excitedly knocks on the door and an elderly Chinese man who appeared to be at least 110 years old answers.

"I'm sorry to bother you but I am lost!" Jimmy says, " can I stay h...

Hey girl, do you want 3.3 inches inside you?

Because I always give 110%

So a man was driving on the highway with a speed limit of 90

.. but then he noticed that all the other drivers were way above the speed limit so our guy thought "hey everybody's speeding, i cant get caught" so he goes above 110. Ten minutes later, a cop pulls him over.
Clearly upset, our guy says "But officer, i wasn't the only one speeding.. there were a...

Hans the Norwegian

Hans was arrested for speeding... driving 66 miles an hour in a 50 mph zone. However, he explained to the officer,

"I saw a big sign vit 66 on it."

"That's Highway 66," the officer said disgustedly.

"Goodness sakes," replied Hans, "you should have seen me yesterday on highway 11...

A good joke for a date

Joe takes Kelly to a carnival on a blind date. Joe asks, "what would you like to do first?" and Kelly replies, "I want to get weighed." So they visit the weight guesser who predicts that Kelly weighs 130 pounds. Since she only weighs 110 pounds, Kelly wins a stuffed animal.
Joe asks what she wou...

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New Car

A man in Arizona gets a new sports car and decides to test it out. He gets out on a long stretch of highway and begins to speed up. No cars are around, so he hits 65, the speed limit. A few moments later still no cars, so he gets it up to 85. Suddenly blue lights go off behind him.

Fuck i...

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