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350 Jokes

Just paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver

All that money with nothing to chauffeur it

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A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

A lawyer calls up a plumber to come out to his house...

The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800.

The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair"<...

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What do you call a 350-pound stripper?

Broke.

I was so proud when I had lost 350 pounds

Mom: but honey, you never weighed more than 200 pounds.

Me: I know, I just dumped my girlfriend Karen

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I made $350.05 sucking dick last night.

Me: I made $350.05 sucking dick last night.

Friend: Wow! Who gave you the nickel?

Me: All of them...

What do you call a 350 lb fat woman with short arms?

Someone who can't wipe.

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, ...

A friend of mine chops down trees, and then hauls away the lumber with a fleet of F-350 Super Duty pickup trucks...

...he's pining for the Fjords.

An old friend called asking to borrow $350 that way she could pay her rent before Christmas.

I told her I’d have to check and see how much I had in the bank and I’d call her back.

A few moments later her cousin called and asked if I’d heard from barb.

I explained she had called asking for money to pay for her rent.

Her cousin said that she was lying that the money sh...

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"...

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Old cowboy walks into a saloon

Says: I’m here to fight the trifling son of a bitch that painted my horse’s balls yellow!

Room goes silent, the biggest 7 foot tall 350 pound dude in the back of the bar stands up and says “that was me, I painted your horse’s balls yellow, care to step outside?”

Cowboy says “nope, jus...

Top 5 highest Paid Black Actors

1. Terry Crews $800,000,000
2. Bill Cosby $400,000,000
3. Will Smith $350,000,000
4. Robert Downey Jr $300,000,000
5. Denzel Washington $280,000,000

[Long][A hospital had a very interesting offer, if the patient is treated, he will pay 350 dollars, if he can't get treated, the hospital will pay 1000 dollars.

One day, a greedy man heard of the offer and decided he would scam the hospital. He went to one of the doctors and said "I can't taste anything."
The doctor asked the nurse to bring the twenty two number medicine. Patient took two drops and of the spat it out saying it was petrol. The doctor to...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.....

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leath...

Outrageous!

A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out fou...

Fool me once, Shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me

Fool me 350,000 times, you're probably a meteorologist

Little John wonders...

Little John, 8 years old, looks down his pants and asks his dad: 'Dad, how much does my soldier weigh?'. His dad, a medical docter replies: 'about 150 grams I think.'

A bit later, John asks his dad: 'Dad, how much does your soldier weigh?'. He replies: 'hmm, must be 350 grams I think.'
...

A man walks into a bakery on March 14th

He orders some pie, the baker thinks its clever and gets him some pie. The next day the man comes back and says the pie was great and orders a different flavor. He does this every day for 350 days. The baker running out of ideas for flavors sees the man come in on Feb 27th.

He says, man look ...

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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the condoms.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't a...

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As a sex education teacher, I know that the semen in the average male ejaculation has about 20 calories.

But I tell my daughter that there are 350 calories in it.

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I accidentally dropped my pocket pussy as I was walking home the other day.

Unfortunately, a policeman saw me and gave me a $350 fine for clittering.

A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet

The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally finds it and gives it to his grandfather

Next morning he wakes up and finds 350€ in his wallet instead of 50€

Being confused about that goes to his grandfather and explains him what happened

The...

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BECOMING AMERICAN

Two Saudi brothers come to America and one buys a house on the west coast and the other on the east coast. They are so excited about being Americans and during their goodbyes they make a $10,000 bet: in two months they will meet again and the one that is the most American wins.

Two months pas...

Women are weird

They are able to identify 350 colors of lipstick but they are not able to recognize idiot from normal guy.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

A Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a little old lady for going 10mph on the highway.

As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.

He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.

“Do you know why I pulled you over, ma’am?”

“No I do not,” she replied sweetly. ...

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer!

Put it in the oven at 350 until it’s bill withers.

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A big, scary looking biker walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, and the bartender says "what'll ya have?" The biker says "gimme a beer."

The bartender hands him a beer, and says "that'll be 3.50." The biker pulls out 350 pennies and scatters them all over the table.

The next evening, the exact same thing happens, and it c...

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A man steps into an elevator...

A man steps into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude.

It's just the two of 'em, so he says "Hi" so as not to be rude.

The big guy looks down and says "I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds,
got a 20-inch dick and 3 balls... Turner Brown."

The small guy stares for a moment, th...

A penny saved...

... is 350 Trillion Zimbabwe dollars earned!

Bill and Tom went to the country club for a round of golf

Bill takes his practice swings and checks the wind then takes his swings again. After about 10 minutes of taking practice swings and checking the wind Tom starts getting aggravated and yells.

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BILL TAKE YOUR DAMN SWING ALREADY!”.

Bill turns to look at Tom and says....

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Big Mean Steve

There's a boom town out in the desert in the old west.

One day word starts going around that Big Mean Steve's coming. All the shopkeepers start boarding up their windows and half the town starts loading up their wagons. They ask each other, "You sticking around?" "Hell no, Big Mean Steve's co...

By my estimation, Mitch McConnell's true age is...

...350 turtle years.

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This husband and wife had been driving for nearly 20 hours

and decide its time too get a room too relax and get a little sleep. They find a nice hotel and get a room for the night. They go up stairs too there room,shower,eat and sleep.they wake up,eat breakfast ad go down stairs too check out. The receptionist tells them there bill is 350 dollars,the husban...

A joke told by my priest at church this morning

Three women were discussing their sons, each bragging about his accomplishments. They wanted to show that their son had the most respect from the most people. The first said "My son is a bishop. When people talk to him, they say 'Your Excellency.'" The second woman says "That's nothing. My son is a ...

The Anti-Thieves Machine

Science is amazing. Some european scientists made a breakthrough and invented an Anti-Thieves Machine. It detects and catches the thieves in the streets of various cities through the world with an accuracy of 99,9%! Of course that various countries were interested. Germany got 2, France got 3, Greec...

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One day a businessman

had to catch up to the airport, very urgently. It was rainy. Take a taxi right away
Driver asked him just before he was getting into the taxi;
"-What way?"
Businessman said;
"-I will go to the airport .. I am in a hurry"
Driver;
"-No .. I don't go short distance"

They had a ...

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After being shipwrecked, Joe washed up on a tropical island...

The modernized local tribe soon found him, fed and clothed him, then took him to their chief. Conversing in fluent English, Joe and the chief took a liking to one another, and the chief soon offered Joe his beautiful daughter's hand in marriage. Having just been shipwrecked and being a shy virgin,...

Stock markets!!!

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $ 100 each.


The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands of monkeys for $ 100 and as supply s...

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Christmas cake recipe

**Required Ingredients:**

* 1 cup of water

* 1 cup of sugar

* 4 large brown eggs

* 2 cups of dried fruit

* 1 teaspoon of salt

* 1 cup of brown sugar

* Lemon juice

* Nuts

* 1 bottle of whiskey

**Preparation:**

Sample the whi...

How many people does it take to change a lightbulb in a Facebook group?

* 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
* 15 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
* 8 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
* 18 purists who use candles and are...

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A man suspects his wife is cheating on him

A husband is going through a rocky time with his wife and he suspects she is cheating on him. After speaking to a buddy about the problems, his friend suggested he buy a parrot. The friend told him "yeah man, get yourself a parrot, it'll watch everything and will tell you what's going on".

Th...

A quick math question

Alright, so here's quick math question for ya:

So there's two trains. The first train is traveling at *exactly* 90 miles per hour from Plotopia heading due west. There is a clown standing atop it. He is holding a grenade. (And yes, his billowing pants and rainbow-dyed afro-wig *are* affecting...

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