UPJOKE
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About a month before my uncle died he covered his back in lard

He went downhill really fast after that.

Did any of you hear about what happened when the kitchen floor in Heaven got covered in crumbs?

Jesus swept.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and went to get some sleep

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began asking him where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Fine", he said, "follow me" and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valle...

I saw a rainbow flag covered in seaweed.

AlgaeBTQ

A Topologist comes into work covered in coffee.

His colleague says "Oh no! Did you spill your donut?"

My home was wrecked by a tornado taking my PC with it, I found the thing covered in glass and everything was unsalvageable aside from a stick of ram

At least I have the memory of it

My next door neighbour is a ice cream man, he went missing and we eventually found him in the back of his van covered in sprinkles, caramel, crushed oreos and chocolate flakes

Apparently he topped himself!

They recently found a mummy in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.

They think it was pharaoh rocher.

My girlfriend surprised me when she came home today in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling of honey.

She's a keeper.

A man sees his friend covered in blood and scratches

A man was walking and see his friend clearly exhausted, scratched and covered in blood.

- What happened to you?

- Well, I just came back from burying my mother in law.

- Sorry to hear that, but how does that explain your injuries?

- ... She didn't want to.

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

A mixup at the gates of hell

The devil was sitting at the gates of hell when an old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork,

and frowned. He was unable to find this old manโ€™s data file.



โ€œThis canโ€™t be right,โ€ the old man said, looking at the D...

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed โ€œTrump Sucksโ€ in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says โ€œMr President, Iโ€™ve got good news and bad news. The good news is weโ€™ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out itโ€™s Mike Penceโ€™s.โ€ โ€œThat traitorโ€, shouts Trump. โ€œIโ€™ll have him hang...

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There was a party.

Everyone had to come dressed as an emotion. There was the one dude in red covered in blood, and he was anger. There was another dressed in blue with tear drops drawn on his face, and he was sadness. Then there was a dude who was but naked with a pear tied to the end of his dick. Everyone said, " Wha...

Approximately 70 percent of the earth is covered by water. Only 1 percent of this water is drinkable.

Therefore 69 is dirty.

Bikinis reveal 95% of a woman's body.

Men are so polite they only look at covered areas.

In the original version of Cinderella, that wasn't her real name, just a nickname she got because she always slept by the fireplace and got covered in cinders.

Really makes you wonder about the person who invented Nutella.

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A man is walking to work when he spots a young boy sitting on a park bench, covered in empty candy wrappers.

The boy had a stack of candy bars, and was getting ready to open another one, when the man stops him and says:

โ€œYoung man, you really should not be eating this many candy bars. Overeating sugar like that can lead to all sorts of medical problems that will make you die younger!โ€

The boy...

A penguin takes his car to the shop...

and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one loo...

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on himโ€

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

Why is 50% of the belgium population covered in snot

Because they're flemish

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

โ€œI will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desiresโ€ says the genie, โ€œbut know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish forโ€


Ok, Iโ€™m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

A mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts has been discovered in Egypt

Archaeologists and historians believe it must be Pharoah Roche.

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Whatโ€™s the difference between a mega church pastor and a crazed marine carrying a butt plug covered in superglue?

One wants to heal your soul for money.

The other wants to seal your hole for Gunny.

What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper?

A seasoned veteran

The Life of a Bug Spray Salesman

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. *"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."*

The farmer was dubious. *"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you...

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Brian's Eggs

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell fast asleep.

When Brian awoke a few hours later he found a strange man was standing at the end of his bed w...

Saw a guy in Toronto this morning, his boots were covered in snow.

Had to ask him:

Don't you think they're pretty caked eh?

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A man wakes up in hospital covered in bruises with a golf club wrapped round his neck.

The nurse asks him what happened. 'well, I was teaching my wife to play golf when her ball flew into a field of cows, we went looking for it, and I found it wedged perfectly between a cows arse cheeks. I pointed at it and said hey, this one looks like yours!!!'.

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A woman comes home early from work to surprise her husband for his birthday.

She enters her house, walks up the stairs, and heads towards the direction of her bedroom. As she eagerly walks to her bedroom, her adrenaline was spiking, she was anticipating a very dirty night. She slowly opened the door and astonishingly, she saw two people on her bed covered with a blanket, wit...

Why do French ghosts smell so bad?

Zay are, ow you say, "covered in sheet".

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

Two men are lost in the desert when they spot a tree covered in bacon.

One of the men exclaims "a bacon tree! we're saved". However as he rushes over to it he dies in a hail of bullets. It turns out that it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

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A man with a head the size of an orange walks into a bar

He sits down, and orders a thimble of beer. The bartender looks confused, but gets him the drink. "Here's your drink, sir," says the barman. "But I have to ask. Are you, um, okay?"

^("Yes, I'm fine,") says the man. ^("It's not painful or anything.") He gestures at his tiny head.

"But, ...

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A man is sitting on a park bench, eating his lunch

When suddenly a duckling walks by, and the duckling is completely covered in shit. The man feels bad for the little duckling, picks it up, wipes it clean with a tissue and lets it walk again.

A second duckling walks by, again, covered in shit. The man feels bad and again takes a tissue and w...

Three vampires enter into a competition

The first vampire tells the other 2:

\- โ€œHey! I have an idea! Letโ€™s have a competition between the three of us to see who is the best at sucking blood!โ€

Since they have nothing to else to do, the other two vampires think it is a good idea and agree to the competition.

After tha...

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, โ€œYouโ€™re shirtless and also covered inโ€ฆ oil?!โ€ I chuckled proudly, โ€œWell, youโ€™re always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

My friend covered their walls with whiteboard paint

Iโ€™ve never seen something so remarkable

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What do you call a chicken covered in peanut butter?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth

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This is long and I'm not sure if it's worth reading.

Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: โ€˜Did you hear the
news โ€“ Mike is dead?โ€™
โ€˜How?โ€™ gasped the other. โ€˜What happened to him?โ€™
โ€˜Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he pulled up outside, he didnโ€™t brake properly and โ€“ bang
โ€“ he hit the pavement...

Hiking trip

Justin and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming hiking trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldnโ€™t go this time because his wife wouldnโ€™t let him.


After a lot of teasing and name-calling, Justin headed home frustrated.


The following week when Just...

what do you call a medieval french man covered in sperm

circumference

In the old west

Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.

One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, โ€œYou see that Indian?โ€

\- โ€œYeah,โ€ says the other cowboy.

\- โ€œLook,โ€ says the first one, โ€œHeโ€™s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in...

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Lion in the Jungle

A lion is walking through his jungle and steps on someone's poop , so the next day he calls every animal in the jungle and tells them that now there are toilets around the jungle and everyone is to do their business there.

For a week everything went well but one day a bunny is walking throug...

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An American and Japanese engineer meet at an industry conference.

During an industry conference an American Engineer and a Japanese Engineer are assigned the same hotel room. After a few drinks they become competitive and place a bet. Whoever can build the best paper boat would have their tab covered by the other.

They both ask for a piece of paper and make...

I have a recipe in which a deep dish crust is filled with small rodents and covered with whipped egg whites.

Its a Lemming Meringue Pie

Why is Mozart's dead body covered in maggots?

Maggots are "decomposers."

A group of bats were hosting a competition

Three of them would be competing to see which could suck the most blood in 10 minutes.
The first one went to a field with sheep. After ten minutes it returned with blood dripping from its fangs. The judge asked โ€œ how did you get this blood?โ€ The bat responded โ€œsee that field with sheep? I drank ...

What do you call a Russian bovine covered in lichen?

Moscow.

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A mail carrier is about to retireโ€ฆ

So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week.

On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service.

As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that heโ€™s ne...

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spotโ€ฆ

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
...

A gun company has been criticised after bringing out a pistol covered in Lego

The manufacturer says it's perfectly safe, unless you step on it in bare feet.

I kept having these crazy dreams where I woke up covered in Tyre tracks...

My Psychiatrist is convinced I'm a 'cycle-path'

Two old farmers meet on a moor โ€ฆ

They had crossed paths numerous times over 20 years and never spoken a word. One day, one of the farmers stops and says to the other โ€œMy pigโ€™s sick. Covered in red blotches and really looking ill.โ€ The other one says โ€œOne of my pigs had the exact same thing. I gave her turpentine.โ€ The next day they...

What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants?

My ice cream cone. =(

*Inspired by actual events.

Art

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves.

The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."

I turned up for my new job at the local police station today ....

but they arent very supportive. All the could say was "you arent qualified", "why are you naked" and "we can't catch him because he is covered in baby oil"

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

Trading places

On a ship the Captain and the Chief Engineer were having a friendly argument as to who had the most important job. So they agreed to exchange jobs for the next day.

After a few hours the Captain, covered in oil and sweat, called the Chief Engineer over and said, "It's no good, no matter what...

A trucker walks into a truck stop to get dinner one night.

Well, as he's sitting there, enjoying his meal, three biker dudes roar up and storm inside.

The first dude spits in the trucker's milk. The second one grabs the trucker's dinner and stuffs it in his face. And the third one yells "You wanna piece of this? Huh? HUH?" and shadowboxes,

S...

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Forgot the tree this year, so I'm putting up a 6 foot, tinsel covered Tampon.

Just for the festive period.

I made smothered pork chops for dinner.

Now the pillow I used to cut off oxygen is covered with grease.

A greasy middle-aged businessman and his secretary run out of gas..

They had just finished up a business conference in Las Vegas but were now stranded on the side of the highway in the middle of the desert with the sun going down.

"My phone has no reception, we'll have to flag somebody down for help." says the man, looking in his mirror at the dark, empty roa...

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased,,,

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3 AM screaming and covered in my own urine.

A doctor says to a lawyer "There are plenty of your mistakes covered up with paperwork"

The lawyer responds "And plenty of yours covered up with a shovel"

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The once was a king with the most beautiful princess in the landโ€ฆ

To find her a prince the king set 3 challenge to find the best man in the land.

The first challenge was to fight his 2 strongest warriors to the death.

The second challenge was to pull a tooth from a gorilla with a toothache.

While the last challenge was to give a woman an orgas...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

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A man's car died in the middle of a desert.

Some days later, he was desperate to find some water or shelter, as he was some time away to die of thirst. While he was still exploring, he found something which he has never seen before: A genie lamp!

It was pretty dirty and covered with sand, so he wiped it. As soon as he did so, TA-DA!! A...

What does life insurance and a bukkake have in common?

They both have you covered.

Why did the templar wake up covered in sweat?

He had a knightmare.

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