UPJOKE
measuremattercountpressconsiderweightmassforcelibratebuoyancyscalargravityquantifybalancegauge

Weighs Jokes

What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

The ton of feathers because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?

The woman. They always lie about their weight.

What gets easier to pick up, the more it weighs?

Women

What weighs more? an elephant or a human?

The human.

elephants dont know how to use scales and thus, are incapable of weighing anything.

What weighs more, black or gray?

Black does. Gray is a little lighter.

What weighs less than the color blue?

Light blue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife that I find out every morning how much my poop weighs.

She asked if I weighed myself before and after pooping. I thought for a second and I told her that her way is a lot cleaner than what I have been doing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The average stripper weighs 112lbs

According to one pole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.

The average horse weighs 1000lbs and has a 20 inch D. That’s a ratio of 50lbs to 1 inch.

So an average man weighing 200lbs only needs a 4 inch D to be hung like a horse.

Be proud fellas

Heisenberg weighs 145 pounds.

He's a welterweight Walter White.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...

What weighs more? A pound of steal, or a pound of feathers?

The feathers. Because you need to add the weight of what you’ve done.

This morning, my wife successfully finished a 40-week bodybuilding program...



The result:

It's a baby girl and weighs 7lbs 14 oz.

I am a Dad!

What weighs more: A pound of feathers, or a pound of dogs?

The dogs. A pound can house many of them and even a pomeranian weighs at least a few pounds.

The human soul weighs 1.2lbs...

I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous

A sparrow with a machine gun

A strange man asks, "What weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?"

I don't care please just get out of my house!

What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.

I've got a mate who weighs 110kg and dates both men and women.

He's bi and large, a good person.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

What weighs 40lbs and didn't get plucked this year ?

Roy Orbison's Guitar

Where do you take a pie to find out how much it weighs?

Somewhere over the rainbow...

...weigh a pie.

What weighs less, an empty regular size bic or a full small bic?

See, you’d think it’s the empty regular sized one, but the small one is a little lighter

What weighs 40 tons, fits seven guys and is just getting towed away by 2 rednecks in a tractor?

Your Mum.

What do you call a mockingbird that weighs 2,000 grams?

2 kilo mockingbird

What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons?

A πton.

What do you call a mark hamil when he weighs 2000 pounds?

Hamilton

The average paid athlete weighs more than the average felon

The pros outweigh the cons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My physics teacher asked me how much a church weighs with and without people in it.

I had to consider mass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons

A fucking huge city devouring monster. Imagine walking around and seeing a 3 ton snake. Jesus fuck.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.

What's blue and weighs a lot?

Blue kitchen scales!

It is very wrong to ask a woman how much she weighs. (xpost from r/showerthoughts)

Weight depends on the gravitational force of the planet you are on. You should ask her how massive she is.

The most popular guy in school weighs over 300 pounds

People naturally gravitate towards him

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.