UPJOKE

Wear A Condom Jokes

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

“Listen Son, Always Wear a Condom No Matter What”

But dad You didn’t Wear one when you had me. “And look Where that got me”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does Gordon Ramsey wear a condom?

No. He prefers FUCKING RAW!

When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom

Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to wear a condom?

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you're going to have sex with a frog, at least wear a condom.

If you want him to enjoy it, then rib it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did a prostitute wear a condom in her ear?

She didn’t want to get hearing aids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

Why is it prestigious to wear a condom?

It's a members-only jacket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having an affair with a married woman.

The man had a romantic evening at her place and were about to have sex. Suddenly there is a knock at the door.

The woman tells the man “My husband is here. Collect your clothes and get out from the window.”

The man did not have time to get dressed and he is naked outside on the road an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

Her: “I want to be safe so you have to wear a condom”

Him: “Don’t worry, I’m a Broward County Sheriff Deputy so there’s no chance I’ll come inside.”

“When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom,” a man told his buddy.

“Your dad showed you pictures of venereal diseases?” the friend asked.

“No,” the first said, “they were all pictures of me.”

My neighbour across the street said he was born in Micronesia. My next door neighbour said he was born in Indonesia. I told them I was born in Amnesia.

My father forgot to wear a condom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel like such a failure. This weekend I promised my boys an Easter egg hunt

But the prostitute made me wear a condom.

Why did the sperm cross the road this morning ?

Cuz I forgot to wear a condom 8 years ago

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Made this one up in health class today

Suzy gets invited to go to her first high-school party with alcohol. Her mother is no fool and understands how teenagers are, so she sits Suzy down and gives her the talk "Now Suzy. it is normal for girls and boys your age to begin to have sex. It is natural and nothing to be ashamed of , BUT if you...

Two scientist were exploring Chernobyl years after the incident.

They were shocked to find a man still living in the area seemingly unaffected by the radiation. They ask the man if he would return with them to conduct some tests to which he agreed.

They explained that as the man was probably highly irradiated, he would have to put on some protective clothi...

Little boy and a priest

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Guy: "Baby, I promise I'll pull out"

Girl: "No, you have to wear a condom."

Guy: "But I'm a Broward County Sheriff, we don't come inside."

100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. ...

100 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.

A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ALWAYS USE PROTECTION.

Last week i was studying for a test but i had trouble concentrating, so i went out and brought a prostitute home. The entire time she was there we were making mental maps on a piece of paper and i thought i didnt need to wear a condom because we never had sex.
This morning i went to a doctor and ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.