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Beach residents near the cruise ship ports are enjoying the visually noticeable cleaner water.

No shit.

"I've got a visual lock on sandwiches"

Where?

"1 o'clock"

1 o'clock?! I'm hungry now!

A priest decides to undertake a visual demonstration of his sermon...

He takes 4 worms. The first worm he puts in a jar filled with alcohol. The second worm he puts in a jar filled with cigarette smoke. The third worm he puts in a jar of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm he puts in a jar with good clean soil.
After a while he checks the worms. The first three ...

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

Sunday Sermon

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of ch...

My mother has schizophrenic episodes

She lives in a nice house next to the San Francisco Bay, on a small melon farm (her choice...). She's an excellent farmer, even in her old age. And honestly she's a wonderfully sweet woman. But increasingly I find it very hard to visit. The problem is that when she has her schizophrenic episodes...

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Visually impaired.

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

A joke for visually impaired Canadians...

So there's this guy who gets up every morning at the same time for work. Every morning he sees his neighbor, who is blind, leave his house with his white cane and go for a walk.

Well one morning the guy gets up and looks out his window and sees his blind neighbor, but to his astonishment, the...

I used to sell drugs to kids at the school for the visually impaired until I was caught...

Luckily they turned a blind eye.

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I've had it right up to here with them.

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A visual joke...

So a woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts. She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants.

The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the pr...

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My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

What do a visually impaired gynaecologist and dogs have in common?

Wet noses

My Grandpa always told me that alcohol is damaging visual sense

He also told me that he likes glasses more than being thirsty

My doctor must be a very visual person,

Whenever I have a cold he holds out my medication and says "vitamins, see".

Why was the visually-impared german killed by the allies?

Because he was a not-see

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My buddy has an inability to visualize feces

He can't see shit

I hate when you open up to someone and they leave.

I was explaining to my psychiatrist that I am having visual and auditory hallucinations, and then he just vanished.

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A man faced with death will have his life spared if he can explain the song being visually represented by a flock of naked women.

The man is led to an empty concert hall where 8 naked women are being led in.

They were placed so that the first one was facing him, the second
with her back to him, the third facing him, the fourth with her back to him, the fifth facing him, and the last three with their backs to him....

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Requires a little visualization, "The Penguin"

Buddy needs a lay but only has $10 to his name, finds a seedy women in a seedy bar.

So he asks her "what can I get for $10 bucks"

"The Penguin" She replies. Desperate he's quick to agree and they find their way into an alley.

She pulls her skirt up and stands with her legs shoul...

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Last year I took a visual design class...

...and our final exam was to design a fireworks display.

I passed with flying colors.

NASCAR is a visualization of how women argue.

They keep going in circles.

And I sit through both things with the same hope: If I wait long enough, maybe they will crash and burn.

What has two thumbs and doesn't understand jokes that require a visual component?

This guy!

I had to present a speech about STDs today.

Unfortunately, to get my point across I had to give everyone visual aids.

Jesus is granted one final request before departure.

As Jesus prepares to be sent down to Earth, God says to him, "since you're going to be doing me a huge favor going down to there as a mortal, I'll grant you one request while you're down there."

Jesus mulls over the offer for a moment while examining his human body. When his eyes stroll over ...

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It’s their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, “I’ll give you $800 to let that towel drop.” The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection,...

A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...

So I heard you like puns with convoluted setups...

well, much like a child insisting her mother use needles and yarn to repair her favorite plush animal named after it's bright, glinting visual organs reminding one of morning precipitation: Sew dew eye.

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We...

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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

Bugs Bunny walks into a hospital

He asks his doctor “What’s up, doc?”

The doctor replies “Your blood pressure, Bugs.”

“And if I don’t get it sorted out?”

The doctor, visually distraught, answers: “That’s all, folks.”

My doctor told me I had an STD in my eye.

I asked him what he meant exactly.

So, he gave me visual aids.

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What kind of STD can you get from watching Porn?

Visual AIDS!

An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this...

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Man sees a plastic surgeon

Unimpressed with his size, he’s looking for a penis transplanted onto him
Dr Says:
-we don’t have such organ available but we have an elephant trunk available from a biologist, we can do an experimental surgery at no cost.
Guy says yes, and they go on with the surgery.
Dr informs him th...

Three Monkeys

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.


'The one on the left costs $500,' says the store owner.


'Why so much?' asks the cus...

Bobby Teem

It's Monday morning, and Bobby Teem has just begun his shift in a cabinet shop.

He takes a board over to the table saw, and just as he starts to make his cut there is a loud snapping sound.

Before he can move, the blade is projected from the saw and cuts into his face, right at eye l...

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference ...

Blonde Joke

An old visually impaired cattle rustler meanders into an all-young lady biker bar by misstep...
He discovers his way to a bar stool and requests an injection of Jack Daniels.
Subsequent to staying there for some time, he shouts to the barkeep, 'Hello, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The b...

Karen met a magician .....

Magician: "Think of a card, any card."
Karen: "OK"
Magician: "Visualize it in your mind."
Karen: "OK"
Magician: "Is it the King of Hearts?"
Karen: "No"
Magician: "Is it the Ace of diamonds?"
Karen: "No"
Magician: "What is it then?"
Karen: "My husbands Credit Card!!..

A doctor, a philanthropist, and an engineer are playing a round of golf behind a group of blind golfers.

As they wait for the impaired golfers to painstakingly finish the next hole, the doctor says "What a motivating sight. I'm inspired to start a clinic for visually impaired people in order that they might better pursue their dreams."
The philanthropist nods in agreement and says "That's a worthy...

What has two eyes but can't see?

A visually handicapped person.

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In an international "dirtiest pantie" competition

In an international "dirtiest pantie" competition, an American, a Russian and a Japanese prostitute got into the finals after the smell and visual inspection judging. For the finals, they needed to throw their panties on the wall, the longest one to stick to it wins.

Host: First we have Ameri...

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What's the only thing worse than a poop joke?

A corny poop joke. You can really visualize it.

I did bad and I should feel bad

What do you call a group of dead, visually impaired people?

Horizontal blinds.

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ALWAYS USE PROTECTION.

Last week i was studying for a test but i had trouble concentrating, so i went out and brought a prostitute home. The entire time she was there we were making mental maps on a piece of paper and i thought i didnt need to wear a condom because we never had sex.
This morning i went to a doctor and ...

In honour of St Patrick's day, can you guess my Irish name?

Pat MiGroin.

Yeah, my grandpa just told me that one...some visual images cannot be unseen.

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A beautiful woman comes to see the doctor...

and the doctor´s jaw drops. He has never seen anyone so beautiful. The woman was a hot latino chick and the doctor got an idea.

"I am sorry, but I think we need to do some tests. So, take off your shirt, please."

The doctor starts to squeeze the woman´s breasts, and asks:

"Do y...

Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and want to hug them.

I know life is tough for the visually impaired.

A father of three gets pulled over for speeding with his children in the car... [OC]

A father of three gets pulled over for speeding with his children in the car. He was only going over the speed limit by a few, and decides to think of a way to get out of this ticket. He realizes that maybe if he looks like he's having a hard enough day already, the cop will just send him on his way...

A feghoot by Isaac Asimov.

"Feghoot watched with interest as a husband and wife were brought in, charged with disturbing the peace. During a religious observation, when for twenty minutes the congregation was supposed to maintain silence, while concentrating on their sins and visualizing them as melting away, the woman had su...

A blonde goes into a store to buy a TV

She immediately sees one that, when turned on, has great sound and visuals. She tells the manager, "I'd like to purchase this TV please. "

The manager replies, "Sorry, but I don't sell to blondes."

The blonde is insulted, but decides that the TV is worth it. So she dyes her hair red an...

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The Programming Language Competition (OC)

The programming languages are in a competition to see who's the best.

Java makes the brackets. In the major bracket, C++ is against C#. Binary is against assembly. C is against Java. Visual Basic is against PHP. Perl is against JavaScript.

And Python is in the lowest bracket, with al...

Asked my friend to make up a joke about two Canadians and a Bear

A visually impaired Canadian is notified that a bear has broken into his house and is eating all his food.

He hurries home and into the kitchen, where he finds A: his hairy housemate and B: a bear.

But he doesn't know which is which!

"Shoot us both," the housemate says, "it's th...

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It was JoeBob's first day of school in the big city after moving from the back country...

...and one of the teachers was giving him a tour of the school. JoeBob was amazed at all of the different kinds of kids there were at this school compared to back home.

As they were walking the halls, he spotted a kid in a wheelchair. "Wow", he said, "Ya'll let cripples go school here too...

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