UPJOKE
opticalretinaocularopticcornealensvisibleseeablefield of viewimageirisvisionimagerypupilcolor

Visual Jokes

A priest decides to undertake a visual demonstration of his sermon...

He takes 4 worms. The first worm he puts in a jar filled with alcohol. The second worm he puts in a jar filled with cigarette smoke. The third worm he puts in a jar of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm he puts in a jar with good clean soil.
After a while he checks the worms. The first three ...

What's got two thumbs and a poor grasp of visual comedy?

This guy!

Why did the visually impaired man fall down the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

What do you call a visually impaired obese poker player?

Big Blind

Did you know there was a cult for visually impaired?

They follow their leader blindly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A visual joke...

So a woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts. She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants.

The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the pr...

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery...

I've had it up to here with them.

I don’t understand how people are complaining about visual bugs in Cyberpunk 2077

It’s just your character’s cyberoptics malfunctioning.

My doctor must be a very visual person,

Whenever I have a cold he holds out my medication and says "vitamins, see".

I’m visually impaired and the other day I decided to go to the shop

I walked into the shop

and then I went inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beach residents near the cruise ship ports are enjoying the visually noticeable cleaner water.

No shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Requires a little visualization, "The Penguin"

Buddy needs a lay but only has $10 to his name, finds a seedy women in a seedy bar.

So he asks her "what can I get for $10 bucks"

"The Penguin" She replies. Desperate he's quick to agree and they find their way into an alley.

She pulls her skirt up and stands with her legs shoul...

What do a visually impaired gynaecologist and dogs have in common?

Wet noses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is very funny, but it’s more of a visual joke than one for here. But it always gets a laugh when you perform it right.

A police detective is called to the scene of a fatal car crash. Inside are two people- a man and a woman... and curiously enough, a little monkey who survived unscathed. The detective is trying to piece together what happened and muses out loud to the monkey- “Boy, I sure wish you could tell me what...

NASCAR is a visualization of how women argue.

They keep going in circles.

And I sit through both things with the same hope: If I wait long enough, maybe they will crash and burn.

I used to sell drugs to kids at the school for the visually impaired until I was caught...

Luckily they turned a blind eye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marriage

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out...

A married couple is getting ready to go out for the evening. The husband is in the shower and the wife is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings.

The wife hurriedly wraps herself in a towel and answers the door. It’s their neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at the wife, who is quite beautiful, and says, “I’ll give you $800 to let that towel drop.” The wife thinks about if for a bit, then lets the towel fall. Bob gives her a thorough visual inspection,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

My neighbor's kid asked me what dark humor was...

So I told him to go over to the guy with no hands and tell him to clap. Then he said to me "I'm blind, so how do I know where he is?" And I said "Exactly."

Anyway, any visual comedy to him is dark humor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golf

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly ...

I had to present a speech about STDs today.

Unfortunately, to get my point across I had to give everyone visual aids.

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of STD can you get from watching Porn?

Visual AIDS!

I hate when you open up to someone and they leave.

I was explaining to my psychiatrist that I am having visual and auditory hallucinations, and then he just vanished.

Exams

A beautiful young woman, about to undergo a minor operation, is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff. A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second ...

Blonde Joke

An old visually impaired cattle rustler meanders into an all-young lady biker bar by misstep...
He discovers his way to a bar stool and requests an injection of Jack Daniels.
Subsequent to staying there for some time, he shouts to the barkeep, 'Hello, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The b...

So I heard you like puns with convoluted setups...

well, much like a child insisting her mother use needles and yarn to repair her favorite plush animal named after it's bright, glinting visual organs reminding one of morning precipitation: Sew dew eye.

Sunday Sermon

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of ch...

A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...

My mother has schizophrenic episodes

She lives in a nice house next to the San Francisco Bay, on a small melon farm (her choice...). She's an excellent farmer, even in her old age. And honestly she's a wonderfully sweet woman. But increasingly I find it very hard to visit. The problem is that when she has her schizophrenic episodes...

In honour of St Patrick's day, can you guess my Irish name?

Pat MiGroin.

Yeah, my grandpa just told me that one...some visual images cannot be unseen.

Bugs Bunny walks into a hospital

He asks his doctor “What’s up, doc?”

The doctor replies “Your blood pressure, Bugs.”

“And if I don’t get it sorted out?”

The doctor, visually distraught, answers: “That’s all, folks.”

What has two eyes but can't see?

A visually handicapped person.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the only thing worse than a poop joke?

A corny poop joke. You can really visualize it.

Three Monkeys

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.


'The one on the left costs $500,' says the store owner.


'Why so much?' asks the cus...

A doctor, a philanthropist, and an engineer are playing a round of golf behind a group of blind golfers.

As they wait for the impaired golfers to painstakingly finish the next hole, the doctor says "What a motivating sight. I'm inspired to start a clinic for visually impaired people in order that they might better pursue their dreams."
The philanthropist nods in agreement and says "That's a worthy...

Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and want to hug them.

I know life is tough for the visually impaired.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Programming Language Competition (OC)

The programming languages are in a competition to see who's the best.

Java makes the brackets. In the major bracket, C++ is against C#. Binary is against assembly. C is against Java. Visual Basic is against PHP. Perl is against JavaScript.

And Python is in the lowest bracket, with al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man sees a plastic surgeon

Unimpressed with his size, he’s looking for a penis transplanted onto him
Dr Says:
-we don’t have such organ available but we have an elephant trunk available from a biologist, we can do an experimental surgery at no cost.
Guy says yes, and they go on with the surgery.
Dr informs him th...

Wrestling demonstration.

This is a visual joke to be told with a friend to another or a group.

First. Put your friend in a Half Nelson hold and ask the others to identify the hold. If they can fine. If they can't you or your partner identifies the hold as a Half Nelson.

Second. Put your friend in a Full Ne...

Asked my friend to make up a joke about two Canadians and a Bear

A visually impaired Canadian is notified that a bear has broken into his house and is eating all his food.

He hurries home and into the kitchen, where he finds A: his hairy housemate and B: a bear.

But he doesn't know which is which!

"Shoot us both," the housemate says, "it's th...

Bobby Teem

It's Monday morning, and Bobby Teem has just begun his shift in a cabinet shop.

He takes a board over to the table saw, and just as he starts to make his cut there is a loud snapping sound.

Before he can move, the blade is projected from the saw and cuts into his face, right at eye l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful woman comes to see the doctor...

and the doctor´s jaw drops. He has never seen anyone so beautiful. The woman was a hot latino chick and the doctor got an idea.

"I am sorry, but I think we need to do some tests. So, take off your shirt, please."

The doctor starts to squeeze the woman´s breasts, and asks:

"Do y...

A blonde goes into a store to buy a TV

She immediately sees one that, when turned on, has great sound and visuals. She tells the manager, "I'd like to purchase this TV please. "

The manager replies, "Sorry, but I don't sell to blondes."

The blonde is insulted, but decides that the TV is worth it. So she dyes her hair red an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was JoeBob's first day of school in the big city after moving from the back country...

...and one of the teachers was giving him a tour of the school. JoeBob was amazed at all of the different kinds of kids there were at this school compared to back home.

As they were walking the halls, he spotted a kid in a wheelchair. "Wow", he said, "Ya'll let cripples go school here too...

A feghoot by Isaac Asimov.

"Feghoot watched with interest as a husband and wife were brought in, charged with disturbing the peace. During a religious observation, when for twenty minutes the congregation was supposed to maintain silence, while concentrating on their sins and visualizing them as melting away, the woman had su...

An ad campaign for pitted peaches (long)

So there’s a farmer and he wants to market his peaches. They are canned peaches and part of the appeal is you don’t have to pit them. They are pitted by other people before they get out in the cans! Easy! So he has this idea to hire a model to photograph in the process of pitting to communicate this...

A father of three gets pulled over for speeding with his children in the car... [OC]

A father of three gets pulled over for speeding with his children in the car. He was only going over the speed limit by a few, and decides to think of a way to get out of this ticket. He realizes that maybe if he looks like he's having a hard enough day already, the cop will just send him on his way...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.