What's one way to turn a mild-mannered cleaner into a raging homicidal maniac?

Tell them, "You missed a spot!"

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My ex-girlfriend had this weird fetish

She liked to dress up like herself and act like a raging bitch all the time

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Another financial crisis is raging

One banker to another:
- I'm so fucked, gonna lose everything, can't sleep at all, you?
- I sleep like a baby
- How so?
- I wake up crying every half an hour and I shat my bed twice last night

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

Once a hobbit gets to around 125 years old, they are very likely to die. And a little known fact is that, when they do, they are generally found to have a raging, post-mortem erection!

That's right, old hobbits die hard.

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My mother has the biggest boobs in the world

My mom always get raging mad whenever I mention that she has the world biggest boobs. She tells me that is improper to be introducing my two brothers to strangers like that and I should instead introduce them by their proper names.

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If a raging boner was a girl, what it would be called

Stiffany

There’s only one word you need to respond to a raging boomer.

And that’s ok.

Weight loss

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.

He looked at me deadpan and asked, "What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?

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Working night shift tonight and fucking raging.

Santa Claus

A Mexican with a raging erection walks into a wall. What part hits the wall first?

The lawnmower.

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead come to a raging river.

They meet a wish granting wizard just before it. The brunette goes first, “I wish to be strong enough to swim across.” She grows bug muscles and swims across.
The readhead next, “I wish to be handy enough to build a boat to get a cross.” Her wish is is granted, she cuts down a tree hollows it in...

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I wake up every morning at the same time to a raging boner.

It runs like cockwork.

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Frank, British war veteran and quadriplegic, was a raging alcoholic.

When he was sober, Frank was a mean bad ass mother fucker, that no-one dare cross.

But when Frank was legless he was 'armless.

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Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

One day three blondes were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river.

They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.
The first blonde prayed to god saying, 'Please god, give me the strength to cross this river.' Poof! God gave her big arms and strong legs, and she was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this the secon...

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My Viagra got stucked on my throat while swallowing it

It got me a raging stiff neck for 4 hours

Raging Gamers

A recent survey conducted asked about a thousand 13-year old gamers what they had done last week.

92% said "your mum"

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This big ol' grizzly bear walks up to the bar and orders s drink.

The bartender says "We don't serve wild animals."

Furious at this, the bear loses his cool, starts roaring and raging, knocking people and tables over. In his fury, he picks up an old woman and eats her down in one bite. Crunch.

Now, a bit sedated, he returns to the bar and says "Come ...

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What do you call it when Stephen Hawking gets a raging hard on?

A bonerfied genius.

Growing up I had raging hormones

My parents had to beat it out of me

Why did Father Christmas go see a psychiatrist?

He stopped believing in himself.









\---

He is also a raging alcoholic and suffers from clinical depression.

I woke up with a raging hard on....

I called my wife over and told her to fix my clock. She said "that doesn't look like a clock." I responded, "if you put a face and 2 hands on it it does."

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A man dies and goes to hell...

He arrives in hell to find Satan standing behind a podium, like a game show host, there are 3 doors behind him, marked 1,2 and 3, coloured Red, White and Blue.

The man walks up to Satan, Satan says “ Choose a door, but beware, once in you cannot leave” The man asks “ well what’s behind the do...

Am I the only one around here who's tired of walking around ....

... with a raging election?

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A Retired Jewish Man Is Walking On The Beach, When He Sees A Bottle In The Sand.

He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie promises to grant him one wish.

The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish."

The genie studies the map, but looks looks concerned. He hands the...

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

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A young boy ran away to the docks and joined a pirate ship to begin his new life as a cabin boy.

He met the captain, which had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. The captain, glad to have another crew member on board immediately put the new cabin boy to work, mostly doing dishes and cleaning and such.

The young boy worked for a month without a single complaint, but the capta...

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An old hillbilly has a beautiful young bride.

One day a salesman comes to his door selling rabbits. "That's a mighty fine looking rabbit you have there," says the old man. "How much do you want for it?"

"This one sells for 20 bucks," says the salesman.

"That's mighty expensive for a rabbit," says the hillbilly. "Tell you what, my ...

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

How Moral Are You?

This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate…well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely f...

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Man walks into a brothel and asks how much.

Prostitute: "it's €250 for a ride or €100 for a blowjob."

Man: "that's way too expensive" as he turns to leave.

P: "for €20 you can have a Penguin"

M: "what's a Penguin?"

P: "no more questions, take it or leave it, €20 for a penguin"

The man thinks about it and dec...

A woman comes home late

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom. To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her h...

Two hunters were having a chat in a bar

One of them says, "You know, I was hunting at the South Pole once and I see a big seal right within range. So I aim carefully and I take the shot and kill it. After about half an hour of walking through the nastiest blizzard, I see the biggest walrus I had ever seen in my life. I don't even aim, I j...

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