UPJOKE
sevastopolukraineyaltapeninsulablack searussiarussian languagekherson oblastcrimean bridgecrimean tatarskerch peninsulaottoman empiretatarsoblastsivash

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

Putin dies and goes to hell...

but after a while, he is given the day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin d...

Justin Timberlake announces that he will be joining the war in Ukrain.

Early reports suggest that he will be stationed somewhere along the Crimea River

jokes about the war in Ukraine I heard in Romania

Putin dies and goes to hell, but a few years later he gets permission to leave hell and to visit Moscow for a day -

Goes to a pub in Moscow, orders a few drinks and asks the bartender:

Crimea is still ours ? - Yes, bartender says

Donbas is still ours ? - Yes, ours

Is Kiev...

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is some time for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says

"I have two questions: Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Uk...

Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…

“The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.”

After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…

“A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…”

Putin gets interviewed about the sinking of the Moskva

Vladimir Putin:] It’s a great pleasure, thank you.

[Interviewer:] This ship that was involved in the incident off Crimea this week…

[Vladimir Putin:] Yeah, the one the magazine detonated?

[Interviewer:] Yeah

[Vladimir Putin:] That’s not very typical, I’d like to make that...

What are some pros for Ukraine after loosing Crimea to Russia?

Theres no Crimea in Ukraine

Putin visiting Crimea

Frontier guard: Name?
Putin: Vladimir Putin
Frontier guard: occupation?
Putin: yes

Everyone wants me to care about Russia and Ukraine right now. Boo-Hoo!

Crimea River

Political dad joke.

What did the United States say when Russia annexed Ukraine's peninsula?

Ohh, Crimea River.

Vladimir Putin visits a primary school one day

And he gives a lecture about how great the government is, and how Russia is the best country in the world.
At the end of the lecture he invites people to ask questions and one kid stands up and says
“Hello my name is Sasha and I have two questions”
Putin: “go ahead”
Sasha: “Why did Russi...

Have you heard Justin Timberlake's hit song about his favorite Ukrainian body of water?

The Crimea River

Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin are riding in a car in Crimea when suddenly they see a big bull blocking the road.

Roosevelt gets out of the car and asked the bull to move, but the bull doesn't move. Churchill began to plead with the bull to move over, but the bull pays zero attention. Finally, Stalin walks over to the bull and whispers something in its ear, after which the bull sprints off into the distance. In...

Biden to Putin: Stop planning the invasion of Ukraine.

Putin: Crimea River.

With the attention given to Putin for driving the truck over the bridge in Crimea; What driving licence class does Putin needs to drive Russia?

KGB

Sorry for any grammar mistakes from a Romanian who is nervously waiting for a bridge over the Black Sea to Romania.

How Many Russians Does It Take To Invade Crimea?

None according to the Russians.

Justin Timberlake is bad at geography

He sings this song, "Crimea River", but I checked, and Crimea is a peninsula, not a river.

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president.

Oh, Crimea river!

What did Putin say to NATO in response to being criticized for annexing parts of Ukraine?

'Oh, Crimea river.'

A Russian walks into a bar in Lviv.

“Can I have a beer?” he asks the bartender.
“Sure. It's 100 Hryvni,” replies the barkeep.
“But it was usually 50...”
“Yes, but now it's 50 for the beer and 50 for the occupation of Crimea & the Donbas.”

The Russian frowns, but gives the bartender 100 Hryvni. The waiter takes it, ...

Misunderstood JT

In the early 2000s Justin Timberlake did a tour in Eastern Europe and had a stop in southern Ukraine.

After playing a show in Sevastopol he had some down time so he travelled the countryside, and was amazed by the stunning beauty of the peninsula's nature and wildlife. He backpacked through ...

Russia: Hey Ukraine, wanna hear a joke?

Ukraine: Sure!

Russia: Crimea.

Ukraine: I don't get it.

Russia: You will never get it.

In 2002 Justin Timberlake made a hit song about Eastern European waterways.

It specifically talks about a river in Crimea.

(edit: I originally got my Justins mixed up, thanks for the comments :) )

Bought a Russian car...

The salesman said it was the krem de la kremlin, but every time it's putin gear, it keeps stalin. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not lenin you my car!"

Where do unsympathetic Ukrainians come from?

The Crimea River

Vladimir Putin shows up in one of the Moscow's primary schools

After the welcoming ceremony there is some time for the students to ask the President a few questions

Little Sasha stands up and says:

I only have 2 questions:

1. Why did Russia take over the Crimea?

2. What are Russian soldiers doing in Ukraine?

Before Putin was a...

What's Putins favorite song to play for Ukraine.

Crimea-River

Trump calls Putin on the phone

Trump says, "You need to stop annexing territory in Ukraine"

Putin responds, "Crimea river"

What's Justin Timberlakes favorite part of Eastern Europe?

The Crimea River.

What did Stalin say to all the thousands of people he killed?

Crimea river

So apparently Justin Timberlake is going to write a song for all the people that have been devastated by the crisis in Ukraine.

It's going to be called 'Crimea River'.

What's the current number one song in Russia?

Crimea river

What did Putin say to a starving Ukranian family after they asked for mercy?

Oh Crimea a river vould ya!

Inspired by Ye and the Rock, Justin Timberlake decides to run for president

And the first thing he decides to do once elected is try to make things with the Russians the same as once before, and tries to make them give up Crimea. But Putin and the gang are having none of it. In an attempt to make a compromise with them, Justin proposes a sort of dam which would allow Russia...

What did the peninsula say before it was split in half by a flowing mass of water?

Crimea River

A man walks into a bar in Russia.

A man walks into a bar in Russia.
"Can I have one beer?" - he asks the barman.
"That will be two hundred rubles," - says the barman.
""What? It was one hundred yesterday!" - says the man.
"Well, you see, it is one hundred for a beer and now you have to add a hundred for Crimea,"-...

Top UN officials asked Vladimir Putin to stop annexing countries

He responded: Oh go Crimea river

Where do the Russian separatists go to complain about their lives?

Crimea River

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