UPJOKE
central europeeuropeottoman empireroman empireasiasoviet unionlatviabelarusromaniacontinentukrainenorthern europesouthern europeczechoslovakiaslovakia

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe...

... the German government predicts an imminent shortage of sausage and cheese, and are formulating a plan for emergency intervention to deal with this impending crisis.

They're referring to the plan as their Wurst/Kase scenario.

A man was driving a rental car along a old mountain road in Eastern Europe at night when he started having engine problems

Unable to get a signal on his mobile phone, he saw a lit building not far off and made it there just as the car stalled. Getting out of the car, he knocked on the door. A monk in a brown habit opened the door.

"Good evening, brother!" greeted the monk. "What can I do for you?"
"I'm ver...

I saw Queen play in Eastern Europe around the early 1900s

I believe it was under Prussia

For Texans, from Eastern Europe.

On the phone:

"Hey Vlad, how's the weather in your town? I heard on the news it's really cold, almost -35 Celsius."

"-35? Nah, it's more like -15C. Oh! You meant outside!"

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.

The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American wo...

What do they call the lamp at the car factory that warns the workers that the engine is from eastern Europe?

The czech engine light.

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Eastern Europe Loved the USSR

In 1970 a Soviet trade delegation visits Czechoslovakia. The delegation is met at the airport by the minister for trade, and as the minister and the leader of the delegation drive to the city in the minister’s Zil limousine, the minister points out a large bronze statue of Lenin just outside the air...

What's Justin Timberlakes favorite part of Eastern Europe?

The Crimea River.

The famous joke from eastern europe. Depicting a stereotypic slooow estonian character.

An Estonian stands by a railway track.

Another Estonian passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down.

The first one asks: “Is it a long way to Tallinn?”

“Not too long.”

He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down.

After two hours of silent pum...

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Why is eastern europe filled with strippers?

Because they like Poles.

What do you call a Zen master from eastern Europe who's been bugging you all day?

A Buddha Pest.

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn...

A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:

*"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE World"* No result was achieved, since the following problems were facedduring the survey's implementation:
1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
3. In Eastern Europe no on...

Canadian query

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
Shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe ...

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

Mr. Putin Goes to School

One day Vladimir Putin arrived at an elementary school, where he gave a lecture on all the reasons why Russia, under his leadership, is the best country in the world. After the lecture, he invited the children to ask him questions, and almost everyone raised their hand enthusiastically - after all, ...

Waking up just in time for the election

William Holsfermeyer was frozen in 1990, waiting for a cure for his fatal condition. The doctors chose Independence Day to bring him back.

\-Mister Holfsermeyer, can you hear me?.

\-Mmmmfpppffff!.

\-Yes, yes!. That is good. Let me remove the tube from your mouth. Better now?....

Misunderstood JT

In the early 2000s Justin Timberlake did a tour in Eastern Europe and had a stop in southern Ukraine.

After playing a show in Sevastopol he had some down time so he travelled the countryside, and was amazed by the stunning beauty of the peninsula's nature and wildlife. He backpacked through ...

The United Nations world-wide survey

The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world.

The survey went like this:

"We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world"

The survey of course, turned out to be a total and a...

A man calls a tiler ... (old East Germany joke)

... "Hi! I'd like some bathroom tiles repaired please. When can you come?"

Tiler: "Next appointment is in 8 years."

Man: "Oh, OK, I take it."

Tiler: "Morning or Afternoon?"


(This is the type of joke that went around in communist countries like Eastern Europe. Tradesme...

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This is a riddle

This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer.
Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. Wha...

An oldie but a goodie. [It's a version of an older joke]

On November 14, 1984, the United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey flopped pretty much everywhere.

In Africa, families were confused about what "food"...

Suljo & Mujo anyone?

A favorite author of mine told this joke last night at a signing. He's from Sarajevo. There are a lot of "Suljo & Mujo" jokes in Eastern Europe:


Suljo & Mujo were life-long friends in Bosnia, but one day Suljo decided to move to the US. After a couple years apart, Mujo decided ...

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"Life is like a fountain"

A boy grows up in a poor Eastern European country. Every Saturday at services his rabbi ends the sermon by saying, "Life is like a fountain." The boy remembers this whenever he has a hard test, or he is bullied at school, and it helps him cope.

When he gets older, he decides to move to Ameri...

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