How do you know Mike Tyson is anti religion?

Because he always punches people in the faith.

What does Mike Tyson do when his boat has a big hole in it?

First he thinks for a while.. then he dethides to thwim.

Mike Tyson said he was going to convert me to atheism

At least I'm pretty sure that's what he meant by "I'm gonna break your faith!"

What did Mike Tyson say when I showed him my mold collection?

Growth.

Mike Tyson became a doctor.

I asked to book an appointment.
He said he could punch me in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

He's got mace in his eyes.

Why does Mike Tyson go to bed early on christmas?

He likes to be well rested on boxing day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Neil deGrasse Tyson pouring champagne all over his naked chest?

An astro-fizzy-tits

These holidays, Mike Tyson will be appearing at a shopping mall near you.

So keep an ear out for him.

Why did Mike Tyson's wife divorce him after his trip to Belgium?

Because he told her he had a great time in Brothels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike Tyson is a jerk

Alright, so Mike Tyson is kind of a dick. He treats all the people around him like shit. His friends, his family, etc. One day, he goes to a restaurant and just refuses to tip his waitress. Little does he know, the waitress was actually a witch. To get revenge, the witch conjures up a spirit to curs...

What do Chris Hemsworth and Mike Tyson have in common after a workout?

They're both Thor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know Neil deGrasse Tyson has a son who owns a lawn trimming company?

His name is Moe deGrasse Tyson

What's Mike Tyson's locksmith called?

Keith

I asked Mike Tyson who his favorite actor was and he said Colin Firth

And when I asked him who came after that he said "Colin Thecond".

Did you hear that Mike Tyson just got a job at Amazon?

He just really wanted to be a professional boxer again.

Who was Mike Tyson’s greatest opponent?

The letter S

Floyd Mayweather, Anthony Joshua and Tyson Fury were waiting in a queue.

(Punchline)

What does mike Tyson wear to the dentist?

A teeth hurt

Mike Tyson once tried to fight the Blair Witch right here in Maryland

He swung at her but he myth'd.

How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper

Did you hear Mike Tyson got a concussion? [OC]

Doctors say it was blunt fourth trauma.

In before the comments: How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

Also, May the 4th be with you.

What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh?

"You gonna eat that?"

What is Mike Tyson’s favorite rock band?

Kith

Did you hear Mike Tyson had a drug overdose...

He was pretty methed up.

Mike Tyson is a great listener

After all, he has 3 ears

Lady goes to a tattoo artist to get a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and Evander Holyfield on the other

The artist says "Sure, no problem. It's going to take a while and be expensive though". The lady explains she's a lifelong boxing fan and they are her all time favourites. She has to have them.

After hours and hours, and excruciating pain, the tattoo artist finishes and invites her to look a...

This is awful but what does Mike Tyson say when he gets the job as Death?

"I had my scythe set on you for quite some time."

Sorry I'm bored and just thought of this.

If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be...

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

So Mike Tyson dies and becomes a ghost. What is his favorite thing to eat for breakfast?

Ethereal

(A cereal)



I'm proud of this joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you describe an angry Mike Tyson after clogging his toilet?

Flushturd

Have you heard what happen to Mike Tyson's strip club?

Do to covid-19 they're clothed till further notice.

Mike Tyson just received a graduate level certification in advanced calculus.

He calls it his Mathsters Degree.

Why did Mike Tyson sneak into the bakery last night?

Because he's a whisk taker.

Mike Tyson vs a Shark for shark week isn’t fair

I mean one is a finely tuned killing machine notorious for biting its prey but the other is a shark

I'm one of the few people willing to step into a boxing ring with Mike Tyson

Because I'm an organ donor, it'd be a charity event.

Mike Tyson is pretty non-committal and rolls with the punches

I heard he plays a lot by ear, too

'Everybody's a gangster until they get punched in the mouth.' - Mike Tyson

And after that, everybody's a gangthter.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

Did you know Neil de Grasse Tyson has a brother Maurice who’s in the landscaping business?

Moe de Grasse Tyson.

Mike Tyson walks into the local crack house and says....

"Wow, what a methy place."

Mike Tyson Opens a Strip Club

When they are open, the sign says: "We're Open"

When they are not open, the sign says: "We're Clothed"

I saw mike tyson in the hospital...

Not gonna lie he looks kinda thick today

Why is Mike Tyson so interested in measurements in precision machining?

It's in tenths

Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...

I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

Mike Tyson was arrested at a 5th grade sitting bee his first time judging

The word was Dictate.

[Spelling Bee Contestant] Can you use it in a sentence?

[Mike Tyson] The woman said my dictate good.

How does Mike Tyson like his bath?

Grilled.

What's the difference between Mike Tyson and DJ Kahled?

Tyson went down eventually.

What instrument can Mike Tyson play with a single finger?

A thimble

How do you think the unthinkable?

Mike Tyson: with an itheberg.

What did Mike Tyson say after going 10 rounds in the ring?

That was in tenths!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Neil DeGrasse Tyson made a porno.

It’s called “Neil DeGrasse Tyson explores black holes”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking down the street when he sees an advertisement for his favorite boxer, Mike Tyson.

He stops and reads the text on the poster.

**Come meet Mike Tyson! First 20 people can get punched by the man himself!**

Knowing that he didn’t want to pass up this opportunity, he shows up to the ring, 45 minutes early.

The building was already packed full of fans waiting to se...

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.

It's about time.

Why can’t Mike Tyson do math?

He’s not a prietht.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So its being reported that Neil deGrasse Tyson is having his show pulled from the air due to sexual misconduct allegations. I only have one thing to say about that.

It wasn't actually "pulled from the air". It was removed from a broadcast schedule that includes land, space and over-the-air signal delivery.

How much thyme does Mike Tyson put into his spaghetti?

About twenty minutes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Porn is a lot like a fight between Mike Tyson and some guy in a pub

It's never gonna last the full bout, and 99% of the audience is only there to see one of the players

Mike Tyson does one squat

Then the next day at work he always ends up calling in thicc.

What's Mike Tyson's favorite holiday?

Boxing day!

Mike Tyson in Egypt

So mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyph...

I saw a bunch of geese and ducks on the lawn in front of the Tyson processing plant. Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens, but then I thought no.....

it's just fowl behavior.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is now being investigated for sexual misconduct.

But is it really all that surprising that an astrophysicist pulled a Spacey?

Why did Mike Tyson break up with his girlfriend?

EARreconcilable differenceth

After falling on hard times, Mike Tyson decided to set up a "get punched by a celebrity" booth at the state fair, but sadly there was little interest.

Yeah he was hoping for a punch line too.

Why did Mike Tyson plant marijuana instead of corn?

He was afraid he'd eat all of the ears.

Mike Tyson once angrily accused me of tampering with his satsumas.

He said I was taking the pith.

Bill Nye cloned himself with the help of Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Unfortunately, something went wrong in the cloning process and resulted in the clone being pure evil. As soon as he was released from the cloning vat, the evil clone killed the good Bill Nye and escaped. Much later, after hunting him for years, Neil deGrasse Tyson finally caught up with the evil clo...

What super hero does Mike Tyson most feel like after a long fight?

Thor

Why is Neil Degrasse Tyson such a famous physicist?...

On the day he was born he escaped a black hole...... and then he spent his life studying them.

Did you hear why Mike Tyson stopped ordering milkshakes?

They made him thick.

Mike Tyson is playing Jeopardy and the clue is "The part of a flower's stamen where pollen is produced".

He's the first to buzz in. Alex Trebek calls on him:

Alex: "Mike?"

Mike: "What is the answer?"

Alex: "You can't ask me, Mike. You have to give me the answer."

Mike: "I am! What is the answer?"

Alex: "You have to give *us* the answer to the clue, Mike, we can't tell...

Star Wars Day should be also Mike Tyson Day

May the Forth be with you, guyth.

Why does Mike Tyson refuse to buy playstation ?

Because he is an x-boxer

Former champion Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana farm...

Now everyone can say they took a hit from Tyson!

What happens if Mike Tyson carries around Mjölnir all day?

He gets thor arms!

How do you think the unthinkable ?

With an itheberg.



Btw.. every single person i’ve ever told this joke to said they didn’t get it or that it wasn’t funny.. why am I the weirdo that finds it funny? And why am I picturing Mike Tyson?

Obv not my joke I heard it on Come Dine With Me

What does Neil Degrasse Tyson say to pickup a lady?

"Hey, would you like to get astro physical with my dark matter?"

What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms and no legs?

Anything you want.

Why did Mike Tyson walk out on his girlfriend?

Because she told him she wanted to become a thespian.

Mike Tyson wanted me to add him online

But I couldn't find him on faithbook.com

Mike Tyson recently recovered from a meth overdose and was interviewed upon his exit from the hospital.

When asked about the full story, he responded with,

"I was really methed up at the time"

Mike Tyson fires a nuke at his maths teacher.

It was a weapon of math destruction.
I'm so sorry.

I met Mike Tyson and he had his tiger with him. I said, "Wow! I can't believe you actually have a tiger! I thought that was a myth."

He said, "Well you were mythtaken."

Mike Tyson was one of the best in his career.

Yet Bill Cosby still had more knockouts.

Why could no one believe in Mike Tyson's new boat?

Because it was unthinkable

What role did Mike Tyson have to play for his Christmas special?

Sani Cloth

How does Mike Tyson track Will Smith in the snow?

He looks for fresh prints.

"If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person's body, and tied them end-to-end, the person will die." -- Neil deGrasse Tyson

https://twitter.com/neiltyson

Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?

He was invited to thunday math.

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?

It has two bytes and no memory

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a bad comedian and Mike Tyson getting kicked out of an orgy?

One fucks up the punchline, the other punches up the fuck-line

Mike Tyson caught experimenting with Methamphetamines...

He exclaims, "I was just mething around!"

How does Neil deGrasse Tyson trim his toenails tomorrow?

Eclipse them!

What is Mike Tyson's favorite thing for a woman to wear?

Thort thorts.

What did Mike Tyson say to the drug addicts who were playing tag in his front yard?

Quit mething around.

I swear if anyone makes fun of Mike Tyson...

I'll whoop their ath!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.