UPJOKE
johnsonmike tysonmcmahonlennoxlewisfrazierrogerssongladiatorgrandsonstepsonholyfieldfatherdadgrandfather

I've found religion after meeting Mike Tyson

Dude hit me right in the faith.

Mike Tyson has written a book on Ethics in Massachusetts

If it's a success, he's going to write books on the other counties.

What does Mike Tyson, after he's finished baking, have in common with Walter White?

A methy kitchen.

Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson, and Floyd Mayweather are waiting patiently for a glass of sangria.

If that's not a good punchline, I don't know what is.

What did Mike Tyson say to the Mind Flayers who tried to recruit him on their ship?

I won’t be a part of your illithid activities.

What does Mike Tyson do when his boat starts leaking?

First, he thinks for a while...

Then he dethides to thwim.

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Mark Watney and Mike Tyson would probably get along great.

Both agree that poop is growth.

Did you hear about Mike Tyson’s new show with Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman?

It’s called Myth Understanding.

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What do Mike Tyson and Johnny Depp have in common?

They’ve both had predators shit the bed.

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What do you call Neil deGrasse Tyson with no shirt on pouring champagne all over himself?

An astrofizzytits

If I were to become a drug dealer, I'd partner up with Mike Tyson.

That guy can really make a meth.

Why were children passing out at Mike Tyson's egg hunt?

Because he hired an Ether Bunny.

Mike Tyson gets really upset if you talk to him about Norse mythology.

It’s a Thor subject.

Mike Tyson said he was going to convert me to atheism

At least I'm pretty sure that's what he meant by "I'm gonna break your faith!"

Mike Tyson starts a club to dispute the fundamental rules of mathematics

He names it: “The Math Debate Club”

There was a lot of confusion in their first meeting.

Who would win in a fight, in a boxing ring? Mike Tyson or Hellen Keller with a Tommy gun?

Mike Tyson, Hellen Keller never heard the bell

What did Mike Tyson say when I showed him my mold collection?

Growth.

Mike Tyson became a doctor.

I asked to book an appointment.
He said he could punch me in.

What do Chris Hemsworth and Mike Tyson have in common after a workout?

They're both Thor.

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Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

He's got mace in his eyes.

Why did Mike Tyson's wife divorce him after his trip to Belgium?

Because he told her he had a great time in Brothels.

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Did you know Neil deGrasse Tyson has a son who owns a lawn trimming company?

His name is Moe deGrasse Tyson

I asked Mike Tyson who his favorite actor was and he said Colin Firth

And when I asked him who came after that he said "Colin Thecond".

Did you hear that Mike Tyson just got a job at Amazon?

He just really wanted to be a professional boxer again.

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Mike Tyson is a jerk

Alright, so Mike Tyson is kind of a dick. He treats all the people around him like shit. His friends, his family, etc. One day, he goes to a restaurant and just refuses to tip his waitress. Little does he know, the waitress was actually a witch. To get revenge, the witch conjures up a spirit to curs...

How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper

If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be...

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

What's Mike Tyson's locksmith called?

Keith

Who was Mike Tyson’s greatest opponent?

The letter S

What does mike Tyson wear to the dentist?

A teeth hurt

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??

You gonna eat that?

Mike Tyson once tried to fight the Blair Witch right here in Maryland

He swung at her but he myth'd.

What is Mike Tyson’s favorite rock band?

Kith

Did you hear Mike Tyson got a concussion? [OC]

Doctors say it was blunt fourth trauma.

In before the comments: How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

Also, May the 4th be with you.

This is awful but what does Mike Tyson say when he gets the job as Death?

"I had my scythe set on you for quite some time."

Sorry I'm bored and just thought of this.

Did you hear Mike Tyson had a drug overdose...

He was pretty methed up.

Lady goes to a tattoo artist to get a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and Evander Holyfield on the other

The artist says "Sure, no problem. It's going to take a while and be expensive though". The lady explains she's a lifelong boxing fan and they are her all time favourites. She has to have them.

After hours and hours, and excruciating pain, the tattoo artist finishes and invites her to look a...

So Mike Tyson dies and becomes a ghost. What is his favorite thing to eat for breakfast?

Ethereal

(A cereal)



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Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

Have you heard what happen to Mike Tyson's strip club?

Do to covid-19 they're clothed till further notice.

Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...

I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

Mike Tyson Opens a Strip Club

When they are open, the sign says: "We're Open"

When they are not open, the sign says: "We're Clothed"

I'm one of the few people willing to step into a boxing ring with Mike Tyson

Because I'm an organ donor, it'd be a charity event.

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How do you describe an angry Mike Tyson after clogging his toilet?

Flushturd

'Everybody's a gangster until they get punched in the mouth.' - Mike Tyson

And after that, everybody's a gangthter.

Mike Tyson just received a graduate level certification in advanced calculus.

He calls it his Mathsters Degree.

Mike Tyson walks into the local crack house and says....

"Wow, what a methy place."

Mike Tyson was arrested at a 5th grade sitting bee his first time judging

The word was Dictate.

[Spelling Bee Contestant] Can you use it in a sentence?

[Mike Tyson] The woman said my dictate good.

Why did Mike Tyson sneak into the bakery last night?

Because he's a whisk taker.

What's the difference between Mike Tyson and DJ Kahled?

Tyson went down eventually.

Mike Tyson is pretty non-committal and rolls with the punches

I heard he plays a lot by ear, too

Mike Tyson vs a Shark for shark week isn’t fair

I mean one is a finely tuned killing machine notorious for biting its prey but the other is a shark

How does Mike Tyson like his bath?

Grilled.

I saw mike tyson in the hospital...

Not gonna lie he looks kinda thick today

Why is Mike Tyson so interested in measurements in precision machining?

It's in tenths

What instrument can Mike Tyson play with a single finger?

A thimble

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.

It's about time.

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Neil DeGrasse Tyson made a porno.

It’s called “Neil DeGrasse Tyson explores black holes”

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So its being reported that Neil deGrasse Tyson is having his show pulled from the air due to sexual misconduct allegations. I only have one thing to say about that.

It wasn't actually "pulled from the air". It was removed from a broadcast schedule that includes land, space and over-the-air signal delivery.

What did Mike Tyson say after going 10 rounds in the ring?

That was in tenths!

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A man is walking down the street when he sees an advertisement for his favorite boxer, Mike Tyson.

He stops and reads the text on the poster.

**Come meet Mike Tyson! First 20 people can get punched by the man himself!**

Knowing that he didn’t want to pass up this opportunity, he shows up to the ring, 45 minutes early.

The building was already packed full of fans waiting to se...

Why is Neil Degrasse Tyson such a famous physicist?...

On the day he was born he escaped a black hole...... and then he spent his life studying them.

Why did Mike Tyson break up with his girlfriend?

EARreconcilable differenceth

Mike Tyson once angrily accused me of tampering with his satsumas.

He said I was taking the pith.

Mike Tyson in Egypt

So mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyph...

Mike Tyson does one squat

Then the next day at work he always ends up calling in thicc.

How much thyme does Mike Tyson put into his spaghetti?

About twenty minutes

After falling on hard times, Mike Tyson decided to set up a "get punched by a celebrity" booth at the state fair, but sadly there was little interest.

Yeah he was hoping for a punch line too.

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Neil DeGrasse Tyson is now being investigated for sexual misconduct.

But is it really all that surprising that an astrophysicist pulled a Spacey?

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Porn is a lot like a fight between Mike Tyson and some guy in a pub

It's never gonna last the full bout, and 99% of the audience is only there to see one of the players

Why can’t Mike Tyson do math?

He’s not a prietht.

Why did Mike Tyson plant marijuana instead of corn?

He was afraid he'd eat all of the ears.

Bill Nye cloned himself with the help of Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Unfortunately, something went wrong in the cloning process and resulted in the clone being pure evil. As soon as he was released from the cloning vat, the evil clone killed the good Bill Nye and escaped. Much later, after hunting him for years, Neil deGrasse Tyson finally caught up with the evil clo...

I saw a bunch of geese and ducks on the lawn in front of the Tyson processing plant. Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens, but then I thought no.....

it's just fowl behavior.

Why does Mike Tyson refuse to buy playstation ?

Because he is an x-boxer

What happens if Mike Tyson carries around Mjölnir all day?

He gets thor arms!

Did you hear why Mike Tyson stopped ordering milkshakes?

They made him thick.

What does Neil Degrasse Tyson say to pickup a lady?

"Hey, would you like to get astro physical with my dark matter?"

Mike Tyson is playing Jeopardy and the clue is "The part of a flower's stamen where pollen is produced".

He's the first to buzz in. Alex Trebek calls on him:

Alex: "Mike?"

Mike: "What is the answer?"

Alex: "You can't ask me, Mike. You have to give me the answer."

Mike: "I am! What is the answer?"

Alex: "You have to give *us* the answer to the clue, Mike, we can't tell...

What super hero does Mike Tyson most feel like after a long fight?

Thor

What is Mike Tyson's favorite type of math?

Mathturbating.

What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms and no legs?

Anything you want.

Former champion Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana farm...

Now everyone can say they took a hit from Tyson!

I found out Mike Tyson is Scientologist today...

I wished him a Merry Christmas ...and he replied "Thetans Greetings"

Mike Tyson wanted me to add him online

But I couldn't find him on faithbook.com

Star Wars Day should be also Mike Tyson Day

May the Forth be with you, guyth.

Why did Mike Tyson walk out on his girlfriend?

Because she told him she wanted to become a thespian.

Mike Tyson fires a nuke at his maths teacher.

It was a weapon of math destruction.
I'm so sorry.

I was at work the other day and after telling a customer what he owed, he handed me a bag of Tyson wings and drummettes.

I said to him, "Sorry, we don't accept chicken tenders."

I met Mike Tyson and he had his tiger with him. I said, "Wow! I can't believe you actually have a tiger! I thought that was a myth."

He said, "Well you were mythtaken."

Mike Tyson recently recovered from a meth overdose and was interviewed upon his exit from the hospital.

When asked about the full story, he responded with,

"I was really methed up at the time"

How does Mike Tyson track Will Smith in the snow?

He looks for fresh prints.

Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?

He was invited to thunday math.

"If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person's body, and tied them end-to-end, the person will die." -- Neil deGrasse Tyson

https://twitter.com/neiltyson

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?

It has two bytes and no memory

What role did Mike Tyson have to play for his Christmas special?

Sani Cloth

Why could no one believe in Mike Tyson's new boat?

Because it was unthinkable

What is Mike Tyson's favorite thing for a woman to wear?

Thort thorts.

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