UPJOKE
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Tyson Jokes

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Why doesn't Mike Tyson do drugs?

Cause that shit will meth up your life.

I've found religion after meeting Mike Tyson

Dude hit me right in the faith.
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What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??

You gonna eat that?
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Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...

I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.
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Mike Tyson is a religious guy.

He punches people in the faith.
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What does Mike Tyson use to chat with the Pope?

Faithtime
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What does Mike Tyson, after he's finished baking, have in common with Walter White?

A methy kitchen.
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If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be...

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would you call Mike Tyson if he was a villain in Star Wars?

A Tit Lord

Why did Mike Tyson hire the Devil as his weight loss trainer?

He said he wanted to be a little thinner.
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Mike Tyson has written a book on Ethics in Massachusetts

If it's a success, he's going to write books on the other counties.
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What do Chris Hemsworth and Mike Tyson have in common after a workout?

They're both Thor.
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Mike Tyson said he was going to convert me to atheism

At least I'm pretty sure that's what he meant by "I'm gonna break your faith!"
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Mike Tyson became a doctor.

I asked to book an appointment.
He said he could punch me in.
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Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?
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How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper
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Apparently Mike Tyson has a tiger that he regularly plays with

That’s really irresponsible. He shouldn’t be messing with wild beasts of nature like that. I know he thinks he’s nice and won’t bite, but Mike Tyson has shown signs of aggression before
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What did Mike Tyson say when I showed him my mold collection?

Growth.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mike Tyson is a jerk

Alright, so Mike Tyson is kind of a dick. He treats all the people around him like shit. His friends, his family, etc. One day, he goes to a restaurant and just refuses to tip his waitress. Little does he know, the waitress was actually a witch. To get revenge, the witch conjures up a spirit to curs...

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Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

He's got mace in his eyes.

Mike Tyson Opens a Strip Club

When they are open, the sign says: "We're Open"

When they are not open, the sign says: "We're Clothed"
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What's Mike Tyson's locksmith called?

Keith
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Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"
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What do Mike Tyson and Johnny Depp have in common?

They’ve both had predators shit the bed.

Mike Tyson: *uncontrollable laughter*

Sensei Lawrence: "what's so funny Mr Tyson?"

Mike Tyson: "Sorry sensei, you wouldn't understand"

Sensei Lawrence: "Try me"

Mike Tyson: "it's a snake do"

Sensei Lawrence: *looks confused* "what's a snake do?"

Mike Tyson: "THHHHHHHHHH"
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Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson, and Floyd Mayweather are waiting patiently for a glass of sangria.

If that's not a good punchline, I don't know what is.
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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an Itheberg

- Mike Tyson
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Why were children passing out at Mike Tyson's egg hunt?

Because he hired an Ether Bunny.
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Who was Mike Tyson’s greatest opponent?

The letter S
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What do you call Neil deGrasse Tyson with no shirt on pouring champagne all over himself?

An astrofizzytits

Mike Tyson is a great listener

After all, he has 3 ears
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Mike Tyson gets really upset if you talk to him about Norse mythology.

It’s a Thor subject.
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What does mike Tyson wear to the dentist?

A teeth hurt
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Did you hear that Mike Tyson just got a job at Amazon?

He just really wanted to be a professional boxer again.
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What is Mike Tyson’s favorite rock band?

Kith
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What did Mike Tyson say to the Mind Flayers who tried to recruit him on their ship?

I won’t be a part of your illithid activities.
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Did you hear about Mike Tyson’s new show with Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman?

It’s called Myth Understanding.
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Why did Mike Tyson's wife divorce him after his trip to Belgium?

Because he told her he had a great time in Brothels.
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If I were to become a drug dealer, I'd partner up with Mike Tyson.

That guy can really make a meth.
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Did you hear Mike Tyson got a concussion? [OC]

Doctors say it was blunt fourth trauma.

In before the comments: How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

Also, May the 4th be with you.
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What's the difference between Mike Tyson and DJ Kahled?

Tyson went down eventually.
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Did you hear Mike Tyson had a drug overdose...

He was pretty methed up.
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I asked Mike Tyson who his favorite actor was and he said Colin Firth

And when I asked him who came after that he said "Colin Thecond".
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Have you heard what happen to Mike Tyson's strip club?

Do to covid-19 they're clothed till further notice.
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How does Mike Tyson like his bath?

Grilled.
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I saw mike tyson in the hospital...

Not gonna lie he looks kinda thick today
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Mike Tyson was arrested at a 5th grade sitting bee his first time judging

The word was Dictate.

[Spelling Bee Contestant] Can you use it in a sentence?

[Mike Tyson] The woman said my dictate good.
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Mike Tyson in Egypt

So mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyph...
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Who would win in a fight, in a boxing ring? Mike Tyson or Hellen Keller with a Tommy gun?

Mike Tyson, Hellen Keller never heard the bell
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know Neil deGrasse Tyson has a son who owns a lawn trimming company?

His name is Moe deGrasse Tyson

Mike Tyson does one squat

Then the next day at work he always ends up calling in thicc.
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Mike Tyson once tried to fight the Blair Witch right here in Maryland

He swung at her but he myth'd.
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What's Mike Tyson's favorite holiday?

Boxing day!
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Mike Tyson walks into the local crack house and says....

"Wow, what a methy place."
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Neil DeGrasse Tyson made a porno.

It’s called “Neil DeGrasse Tyson explores black holes”

Why did Mike Tyson sneak into the bakery last night?

Because he's a whisk taker.
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Mike Tyson just received a graduate level certification in advanced calculus.

He calls it his Mathsters Degree.
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Why can’t Mike Tyson do math?

He’s not a prietht.
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Mike Tyson vs a Shark for shark week isn’t fair

I mean one is a finely tuned killing machine notorious for biting its prey but the other is a shark
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This is awful but what does Mike Tyson say when he gets the job as Death?

"I had my scythe set on you for quite some time."

Sorry I'm bored and just thought of this.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you describe an angry Mike Tyson after clogging his toilet?

Flushturd

Mike Tyson is pretty non-committal and rolls with the punches

I heard he plays a lot by ear, too
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Why is Mike Tyson so interested in measurements in precision machining?

It's in tenths
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What instrument can Mike Tyson play with a single finger?

A thimble
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'Everybody's a gangster until they get punched in the mouth.' - Mike Tyson

And after that, everybody's a gangthter.
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So Mike Tyson dies and becomes a ghost. What is his favorite thing to eat for breakfast?

Ethereal

(A cereal)



I'm proud of this joke
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Why did Mike Tyson break up with his girlfriend?

EARreconcilable differenceth
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Why does Mike Tyson refuse to buy playstation ?

Because he is an x-boxer
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What happens if Mike Tyson carries around Mjölnir all day?

He gets thor arms!
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Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.

It's about time.
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How much thyme does Mike Tyson put into his spaghetti?

About twenty minutes
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Did you hear why Mike Tyson stopped ordering milkshakes?

They made him thick.
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Mike Tyson wanted me to add him online

But I couldn't find him on faithbook.com
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I'm one of the few people willing to step into a boxing ring with Mike Tyson

Because I'm an organ donor, it'd be a charity event.
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Mike Tyson fires a nuke at his maths teacher.

It was a weapon of math destruction.
I'm so sorry.
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Mike Tyson once angrily accused me of tampering with his satsumas.

He said I was taking the pith.
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Former champion Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana farm...

Now everyone can say they took a hit from Tyson!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is now being investigated for sexual misconduct.

But is it really all that surprising that an astrophysicist pulled a Spacey?

What did Mike Tyson say after going 10 rounds in the ring?

That was in tenths!
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Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?

He was invited to thunday math.
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Mike Tyson caught experimenting with Methamphetamines...

He exclaims, "I was just mething around!"
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Mike Tyson failed to complete his chicken dish in Celebrity Masterchef...

..he was out of thyme.
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Why did Mike Tyson walk out on his girlfriend?

Because she told him she wanted to become a thespian.
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What do you get when you cross Emperor Palpatine with Mike Tyson

Order Sithty Sith.
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Bill Nye cloned himself with the help of Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Unfortunately, something went wrong in the cloning process and resulted in the clone being pure evil. As soon as he was released from the cloning vat, the evil clone killed the good Bill Nye and escaped. Much later, after hunting him for years, Neil deGrasse Tyson finally caught up with the evil clo...
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Did you know Neil de Grasse Tyson has a brother Maurice who’s in the landscaping business?

Moe de Grasse Tyson.
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Lady goes to a tattoo artist to get a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and Evander Holyfield on the other

The artist says "Sure, no problem. It's going to take a while and be expensive though". The lady explains she's a lifelong boxing fan and they are her all time favourites. She has to have them.

After hours and hours, and excruciating pain, the tattoo artist finishes and invites her to look a...
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Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?

It has two bytes and no memory
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Mike Tyson was one of the best in his career.

Yet Bill Cosby still had more knockouts.
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How does Mike Tyson track Will Smith in the snow?

He looks for fresh prints.
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How does Neil deGrasse Tyson trim his toenails tomorrow?

Eclipse them!
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Why could no one believe in Mike Tyson's new boat?

Because it was unthinkable
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What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms and no legs?

Anything you want.
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What if Mike Tyson could use the Force?

He'd become a kith lord
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Porn is a lot like a fight between Mike Tyson and some guy in a pub

It's never gonna last the full bout, and 99% of the audience is only there to see one of the players

Mike Tyson is hosting a spelling bee

A contestant approaches the stage and Mike says, "the word is dictate"

The contestant thinks for a second, clearly pondering the spelling of the word. "Dictate... Mike, could you please use that in a sentence?"

Mike smoothly replies, "Well of course. When I was in prison, Maurice told ...
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