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Turtles Jokes

What turtles have fingers?

Snapping turtles

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Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the do...

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

I didn't learn about turtles at school

They never tortoise

I went to the bookstore to buy a book about turtles.

I asked for some help to find one at the service desk, and she said "hard back?", and I said "Yes, with little heads."

Why did the alligator stop breeding turtles?

Because of a reptile dysfunction.

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Two turtles walk into a bar.

As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain. The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says - Go home and get the umbrella.

Small Turtle - I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.

Two hours pass.......

Big Turtle - Well. I guess he's not coming back. May as well drink ...

I popped into Waterstones yesterday and asked for a book on Turtles.

'Hardback?'

'Yes, with little legs and a head'.

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I love how the ninja turtles wear masks

Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something

What did the SNAIL say while riding on the turtles back?

" Wheeeeeeeee"

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What do turtles say to themselves to calm down?

My 7 yr old: dad, I made up a joke and it’s really funny.
Me: ok hit me.
Her: what do turtles say to themselves to calm down?
Me: mmm I dunno, what?
Her: “in through your nose, out through your butt.”
Me: …
Her: …
Me: …
Her: turtles breathe through their butts, dad.
Me: oh...

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A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

A snail was mugged by two turtles.

When the police asked him what happened, he said, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Why did Quentin Tarantino regret directing a Ninja Turtles movie?

Because he felt the villains being called "The Foot Clan" was very misleading.

I was thinking about adopting a rare turtle today…

Ever since the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico the turtles have been different. Apparently some of the dish soap used to clean the animals leaked into the ocean and the turtles drank it. It doesn’t harm the turtles, but they have the weird ability to pee out the dish soap.

Anyway the turtle...

Two turtles get mugged...

Two turtles are walking down the street, while all of a sudden, a third turtle comes up to them and robs them. The two call the police to report the robbery, and when the police officer comes to the crime scene and asks the two turtles what happened, one of them replies, "I don't know....it all happ...

Turtle research

Library Patron: Excuse me, do you have any books on turtles?

Librarian: Hardback?

Patron: Yes, with little heads and feet

Where do homeless turtles go?

To the Shellter :)

Why were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arrested for terrorism?

They’d been radicalised.

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Turtle Picnic

Three turtles named Tom, Dick, and Harry are roommates. One day they decide to go for a picnic on Picnic Hill. So they pack up a picnic basket and set off. It takes them ten days to get there.

As they're setting up the picnic, Tom pulls out a few bottles of beer and asks Dick "did you pack t...

The gun fight between the turtles and tortoises was barbaric!

Empty shells everywhere.

3 turtles named Joe, Jeff, and Jimmy decide to go on a picnic

They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back an...

Once there were three turtles.

One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, le...

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I don't know why people keep asking if one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is gay.

They have a strict "Don't Ask Donatello" policy

Why was the little boy too scared to reach into his Happy Meal for the Ninja Turtles toy?

Last time he did it, he got a Splinter.

three turtles

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle open...

What’s the Ninja Turtles favorite brand of saki?

Oroku, because it shreds.

Three turtles

Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee.
Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain.
The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, "Go home and get the umbrella "
The little turtle replied " I'll, if you don't drink my coffee ".
"We won't " the other two promised.
Two ...

Where do turtles get gas

The shell station

I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles

She said 'hardback?'

So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'

There are two turtles in a tank...

one says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

Shredder finally defeated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

All he had to do is to throw a box of plastic straws to the sewer system.

What batteries do turtles use?

Durashells

After a snail was beaten up by two turtles,

its friends were looking for
revenge, so they wanted to know,
"Did you get a good look at the turtles
who did this to you?"

"No," the snail answered, "it all
happened so fast."

What kind of photos do turtles take?

Shellfies

What do you call two turtles f@#$ing?

A slow poke.

The Ninja Turtles went to a weapons store. They all got what they wanted except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

What kind of phones do turtles use

Shell-ular phones.

What type of jokes do turtles like?

Shell-arious ones.

(My sister came up with this one, cut her some slack, she's seven)

What berry are the turtles allergic to?

Strawberry

What do you call it when a group of turtles just won’t get along?

Reptile disfunction.

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turtles birthday!

It was the Turtles birthday in the animal kingdom and he was turning 150 years. King of the animals was the lion and he proclaimed, (For Turtles birthday we should have a great party and each animal will say a joke to the Turtle for his birthday. Whoever disrepected the Turtle and did not make him l...

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What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns?

I wish they would have tortoise that in school.

A family of turtles decided to take picnic at the park.

They packed their picnic basket full and began walking toward their favorite picnic location at the park. It takes them one week to get there.

When they arrive, they realize that they forgot the picnic blanket. They ask the littlest one to quickly go back and get it. He protests, 'but you'...

Why do the ninja turtles make terrible office mates?

They always destroy the shredder.

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Three turtles decide to go on a picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. ...

A man walks into a bookstore and asks, "Got any books on turtles?"

The shopkeeper replies, "Hardback?"

The man says, "Yeah. And little heads."

Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date.

Mr. T: Here's your girl.

Ninja Turtles: who is she?

Mr T: Its April, fools.





Also, I'm sorry.

Some people say that the earth is on a turtles back.

Can you imagine if it was on a pterodactyls back?
it would be a Terradactyl.
(edit: Grammar)

Defective Turtle

A little boy walks into a pet store carrying a turtle. He goes up to the guy at the counter and says "Meester... I bought this turtle here yesterday but he's defective". The man looks down at the kid and asks "Defective? What's the matter with him?". The boy responds, "He's got bleesters on he's fee...

Four Turtles Are About To Have Lunch Near Their Home In The Forrest

Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michelangelo are getting set when they realise they forgot the ketchup.


They start arguing who should go and get it, and after a hassle three of them agreed that Michelangelo should go and get it.


Mickey says I'll get it only if you wait for me ...

Why are turtles so sad?

They have to live a long time.

Turtles are very efficient animals...

they come pre-packaged!

3 Girls die together, & went to heaven

Saint Peter said, "We have only one simple rule here. Don't step on the turtles, walk carefully"

Girl 1 walks uncautiously and steps on a turtle.
Saint peter - what have you done? We are going to give you one of the worst punishments.
Girl 1 - It was by mistake, just give me one exc...

Do you think turtles live longer than humans because...

they live a shell-tered life?

Why do turtles live so long?

In the race of life, they're dead last

Two turtles collide in an intersection.

When the police come, they look around to see if there are any witnesses, they only see a snail on the sidewalk. The police approach the snail and ask him if he could tell them what he saw. To which the snail replied, "well, it happened so fast..."

I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles...

“Hardback?”, asked the clerk.



“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.

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