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What do turtles say to themselves to calm down?

My 7 yr old: dad, I made up a joke and it’s really funny.
Me: ok hit me.
Her: what do turtles say to themselves to calm down?
Me: mmm I dunno, what?
Her: “in through your nose, out through your butt.”
Me: …
Her: …
Me: …
Her: turtles breathe through their butts, dad.
Me: oh...

What do you call it when a group of turtles just won’t get along?

Reptile disfunction.

The gun fight between the turtles and tortoises was barbaric!

Empty shells everywhere.

“Hey, I’m looking for a book about turtles”

“Ah yes, the hard back”

“Yeah, With small heads”

Two turtles get mugged...

Two turtles are walking down the street, while all of a sudden, a third turtle comes up to them and robs them. The two call the police to report the robbery, and when the police officer comes to the crime scene and asks the two turtles what happened, one of them replies, "I don't know....it all happ...

3 turtles named Joe, Jeff, and Jimmy decide to go on a picnic

They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back an...

What’s the Ninja Turtles favorite brand of saki?

Oroku, because it shreds.

A family of turtles decided to take picnic at the park.

They packed their picnic basket full and began walking toward their favorite picnic location at the park. It takes them one week to get there.

When they arrive, they realize that they forgot the picnic blanket. They ask the littlest one to quickly go back and get it. He protests, 'but you'...

A man walks into a bookstore and asks, "Got any books on turtles?"

The shopkeeper replies, "Hardback?"

The man says, "Yeah. And little heads."

After a snail was beaten up by two turtles,

its friends were looking for
revenge, so they wanted to know,
"Did you get a good look at the turtles
who did this to you?"

"No," the snail answered, "it all
happened so fast."

A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw....

He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."

Went into my local book store and asked if they had any books on turtles.

" Hard back"? Asked the worker

" yes " I replied " with little heads "

Four Turtles Are About To Have Lunch Near Their Home In The Forrest

Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michelangelo are getting set when they realise they forgot the ketchup.


They start arguing who should go and get it, and after a hassle three of them agreed that Michelangelo should go and get it.


Mickey says I'll get it only if you wait for me ...

I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles

She said 'hardback?'

So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'

Shredder finally defeated the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

All he had to do is to throw a box of plastic straws to the sewer system.

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What do sea turtles have in common with mature Redditors?

They both have human shits getting in their face.

Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns?

I wish they would have tortoise that in school.

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date.

Mr. T: Here's your girl.

Ninja Turtles: who is she?

Mr T: Its April, fools.





Also, I'm sorry.

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What was the Ninja Turtles’ policy regarding homosexuality?

Don’t ask Donatello

A turtle walks into a bar...

A turtle walks into a bar. He sits down and gets ready to order. The bartender goes, "You're looking a little GREEN there friend, need some Ginger Ale?" Everyone started laughing. The turtle confused replied with, "No thanks, I'll just take some whiskey." The bartender gets him his drink and says, "...

What do you call two turtles [email protected]#$ing?

A slow poke.

I spent the whole day trying to carve the Ninja Turtles out of wood

But just ended up with a load of Splinters.

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A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

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What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?

They're both filled with Plastic.

Where do turtles get gas

The shell station

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Post turtles.

An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.

He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.

The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."

Not being familiar with the term, the do...

You would think that I would eventually learn

That not everyone is grateful when you try to help them. I was driving the other day and saw an old guy trying to cross the road. I pulled over, turned on my blinkers and went to assist the fellow. This guy turned around, and came after me, and tried to bite me. Snapping turtles are a hell of a lot ...

I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles...

“Hardback?”, asked the clerk.



“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.

A snail was walking down the road when he spots these three heavily built, thuggish turtles following him...

He got scared and quickened his pace, made a few left and right turns to lose them. After 3 hours, quivering and shaking, he looked back and to his dismay they were still following him, and worse they were getting closer.

He was now running for his life as fast as he could, terrified and swea...

Why do the ninja turtles make terrible office mates?

They always destroy the shredder.

Where do homeless turtles go?

To the Shellter :)

The Ninja Turtles went to a store to buy new weapons. Everyone got what they needed except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

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I love how the ninja turtles wear masks

Great way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant fucking turtle or something

Why do the Ninja Turtles attack Shredder 4 on 1?

Because their master is a rat.

There are two turtles in a tank...

one says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

What type of jokes do turtles like?

Shell-arious ones.

(My sister came up with this one, cut her some slack, she's seven)

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Three turtles decide to go on a picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. ...

What berry are the turtles allergic to?

Strawberry

What kind of phones do turtles use

Shell-ular phones.

I guy finds a little turtle but he isn't sure how to look after it.

So he goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.
She asks "Hardback?"
"Yes," he replies, "with a little head and beady eyes."

Defective Turtle

A little boy walks into a pet store carrying a turtle. He goes up to the guy at the counter and says "Meester... I bought this turtle here yesterday but he's defective". The man looks down at the kid and asks "Defective? What's the matter with him?". The boy responds, "He's got bleesters on he's fee...

Once there were three turtles.

One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, le...

Do you think turtles live longer than humans because...

they live a shell-tered life?

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