A guy's looking through the job vacancy ads...

...times are tough and there's not much about.

He comes across a job at the local zoo..."help wanted"... He doesn't  have any experience but he decides to give it a shot.

He gets to the interview and the zoo keeper says..." look mate I'll level with you. I've promised the directors I...

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As Jesus is hanging on the cross he calls out to St Peter

"Peter, my rock upon which I will build my church I have to tell you something"

"Yes Lord" and Peter starts to climb the cross. A Roman soldier comes by and says "You're not supposed to be up there". WHACK... cuts off one of his legs.

Peter tumbles to the ground in agony.

Jesus ...

A man with no arms applies to be the local church bell squire.

The pastor looks him over and says - Well, we didn't get alot of interest in the posting, so the job is yours, but I'm not sure how you plan on pulling the rope to the bell?
The man climbs up to the church steeple and runs at the bell as fast as he can. BOOOONG! He hits it with his face and it so...

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Teacher says, “The president is coming to school! Now listen,

He’s a very powerful man and he must be respected.

When he gets out of his car everybody cheer.

When he walks up the steps shout, ‘again! again!again!’.

Finally, when he’s in the classroom chant his name”.

The president gets out of the car and steps on shit.

*Ever...

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door...

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A five year old and a four year old decide to start cursing

A five year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the five year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four year old nods his head in approval. The 5 year old continues, "When we go down stairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you say "ass...

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The Island.

There were three guys shipwrecked on a island and they set out to find some food and water. They reached this giant cliff and they came across a magic lamp and all three of them grabbed on to it and the genie was set loose.

“I can safely assume all three of you want off my island, so run to ...

Larry, the clumsy carpenter, was using his tablesaw and leaned in close to check he was following the line he had marked on the plank.

ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.

Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.

Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When...

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

A tourist is enjoying the sights from the famous Tashkent tower in Uzbekista...

When suddenly a guy in a hang-glider arrives, smashes into the tower and tumbles down to certain death.

Shortly afterwards, a second hang-glider does exactly the same.

Horrified, the tourist turns to the local guide, asking what on Earth just happened.

The guide shrugs, “You kno...

A no-armed man is looking for a job...

... so he goes to the local church. He tells the priest he will ring the church's bell every hour, on the hour.
The priest is dubious, and asks how the man is going to do that with no arms. The man says not to worry, he'll handle that. "I'll do it for free the first week, so you can see I can h...

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Man's best friend...

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep.

Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual....

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A elderly couple are sitting on their porch in their rocking chairs, watching the world go by...

...suddenly the old lady reaches over and smacks her husband upside the head so hard he falls out of his chair onto the porch. He slowly stands back up, rubbing his back.
"What the hell was that for?" he asks.
"For 47 years of terrible sex," comes the answer. The old man stares at his wife fo...

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Three birds were eating fermented seeds from cow manure in a fenced in barn area.

After eating their fill they noticed three barn cats lurking about. They decided they needed to get out of there. Feeling inebriated the first decided to get a boost by starting from a quarter way up a rake. It tries, and fumbles. Cat gets it!

The second one hoping for a better chance goes up...

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NSFW So, there's this fly.....

Stay with me here:

So, there's this fly floating above a lake at the bottom of a hill, and there's a fish watching the fly. The fish thinks to itself, "If that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna jump up and I'm gonna get that fly!"

And there's a bear watching the fish. The bear thinks to ...

Long ago, there was a cathedral...

The old bell ringer had passed away and the bishop set out a sign announcing that the position was now open for new applicants. A few weeks go by without any bites, but one day a man comes in. The man had a hunched back and no arms, so the bishop was leary of his ability to perform the job, but t...

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The Hen Joke

Sorry if this is a retread, but I've always liked this one...

Dave comes home after a long night of drinking at his favorite bar. His wife is asleep, so he tiptoes into the dark bedroom, undresses, puts on his pajamas, and slips into bed beside her. Moments later, he becomes aware of a tall...

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An old married couple

An ancient old couple were sitting in their rockers on their front porch, reflecting on life. Suddenly, the woman gets up and smacks the old man so hard he tumbles off the porch onto the ground.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That's for having such a tiny penis!" she answered.
He gets u...

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A man applies for a job at the zoo ...

He'd always wanted to work for the zoo, so he goes up to the zookeeper and asks if there are any openings.

"No, sorry," said the zookeeper. "We're not hiring."

"But please," said the man, "I've always wanted to work for the zoo. Are you sure there's no openings? I'll literally do anyt...

A brunette, a redhead, and a Blonde get ran off the road...

Out on the middle of nowhere. The car takes a few tumbles, but they all come away ok. They all start gathering supplies they could find from the wreck.The brunette finds some water bottles, "We won't get dehydrated!". The redhead finds sunblock, "And we won't get sunburnt!". The blonde picks up the ...

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Guy walks into a bar joke.....

A man who is down in the dumps walks into a bar. He tells the bar tender how is wife was cheating on him and in the divorce he got screwed out of everything and has no money, no house, nothing but the clothes on his back. He then asks the bar tender what it would take for him to drink free for the n...

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The Great White Hunter

A wealthy American man has retired and is entering old age. Fearing that he hasn't lived his life to the fullest, he decides that the first thing he will do with his funds will be to fulfill a childhood dream of his: to go hunting in Africa and take down a gorilla.

He promptly arranges a flig...

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A lot of SHIT

Out in the forest a fly is hovering above the river. In that river a fish is eyeing the fly thinking "If that fly comes a little bit lower I can jump up and grab that fly for a nice meal." On the rivers edge a bear is waiting and that bear is thinking "If that fly goes a little bit lower and that fi...

A man with a terminal illness has gone home to die.

he is laying in his bed and after making his peace with God and man he is ready to send his soul to the hereafter. As he is drawing what will be his last breath he catches a whiff of his favorite smell in all the world...fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. So summoning a super human strength he roll...

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