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Slumped Jokes

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar....

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and sh...

Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

At the airport today a man fainted and slumped over onto the luggage carousel.

He slowly came around.

I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum "what's wrong with dad?"

"He's going through a rough patch" she said...

A boy was walking down the street when he saw a man further down slumped over his car...

As the boy came closer he realised the man wasn't slumped over the car, he was hugging and kissing it, all while bawling tears.

"What's wrong?" Asked the boy, "Is your wife making you sell the car?"

"No," answers the man. "She just got her license."

I found my girlfriend slumped over Hadrian's Wall with an empty vodka bottle in her hand.

I'm worried she's becoming a borderline alcoholic.

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

A person doing a survey called me and asked, “What’s your position on drugs?”

Me: Usually slumped on a beanbag chair.

Grandpa Joe was being taken by his grandchildren to his new nursing home.

The family bought Grandpa Joe in on his wheelchair.

A kind young nurse met them. "Welcome to our nursing home! Let me show you around!" She said in a friendly tone, as she took the wheelchair.

She wheeled him into a large room full of sofas, with a big TV screen. "This is the lounge. Y...

Hiking trip

Justin and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming hiking trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time because his wife wouldn’t let him.


After a lot of teasing and name-calling, Justin headed home frustrated.


The following week when Just...

Murder @ Wal-Mart

So here's the story. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then
arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend o...

One day, a mathematician was found dead in his office....

When they investigated they found he had died of dehydration, slumped over an untranslated copy of Homer's Iliad that had been sent to him by mistake.
Scrawled on the margins were the words "This is the most complicated equation I have ever seen"

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind. One evening as his mother puts him to bed she says to him, "Jonny, tomorrow is a very special day: if you pray extra hard tonight God will grant you the miracle of sight". Super excited, Jonny jumps back out of bed, clasps his hands together and begin to ...

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A doctor, a psychologist, and a mathematician go to a horse race.

They all make their bets and plan to meet at their favorite watering hole after the race to compare their results. The doctor arrives last, orders a round for the group saying:

"I sure cleaned up! Lake Cookie was pegged for second place so I snuck into his stable just before the race and juic...

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

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A distraught woman answered the door…

DISCLAIMER: I heard this 30 years ago and was told this was a true story. Then I heard a comedian tell it 20 years ago. I have no idea what the actual origin is so haters kindly please step off. Lol

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The nighttime festivities at a neighborhood pub were winding down when the b...

A husband and wife are sitting at a table at her twentieth high-school reunion.

There is an incredibly drunk man slumped over at the table across from them.



“Do you know that guy?” the husband asks.



“Yes,” the wife replies somberly. “That’s my ex-boyfriend. He started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since.”



“Go...

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

My grand-dad was depressed because his prize marrows were not growing on his allotment, so I went along there to see if I could see what the problem was.

When I got there he was slumped over a pathetic burnt little marrow. I looked around me and noticed that all the other allotments were basking in dappled sunshine filtering through the trees but his was in the dark except for a stong burning ray of light. The cause was the huge window on a huge shed...

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I recently went on Amazon looking for a popcorn machine.

After a few minutes of searching I settled on an 800W electric stainless steel popcorn machine for £45. As I added it to my basket, I saw that they had an upgrade to Amazon Prime called Amazon Prime X. It claimed to deliver your order in 20 minutes or less. I assumed it was bullshit but I had a free...

Three car salesmen have a wreck on the way to work

They all arrive at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter says "Let me ask you a question before admitting you to heaven."

To the first he says "My son, while on Earth did you lead a good life?"
"Oh yes, " says the first man," I had thirty years of marriage to a wonderful woman and I was hones...

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

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One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At ...

Harambe the gorilla walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

The bartender says, "I don't serve gorillas here."

Harambe says, "you better or I'm gonna do something terrible."

The bartenders say, "oh yeah! Like what?"

Harambe points to a women slumped against the bar and says, "I'm gonna go over there and eat that woman!"

The barten...

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One ticket to Boobston

The year is 1993 a young upstart business executive has to take a quick trip to Boston for a board meeting.

Running late he didn't have time to have his administrative assistant call ahead and book his flight, so he decided just to do it himself once he got to the airport.

After being ...

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

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The farmer and the rooster

A farmer decides that he wants to buy a rooster for his farm. One day the farmer brings home a rooster and puts in with all the hens. Immediately the rooster begins going at it with the hens, the farmer goes inside while the rooster carries on. Hours later the farmer comes back outside and notices t...

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John von Neumann and Stanislaw Ulam are flying first class to Vienna...

... when suddenly the plan pitches forward and starts hurtling downward. Looking around, they see nobody else who knows what to do, so they enter the cockpit and find the pilot and copilot slumped over unconscious. Ulam sits down at the controls and starts looking them over. "Do something, do som...

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Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

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Dirty Johnny's mom is in the kitchen cooking dinner...

Johnny runs up to her, tugs on the tails of her skirt--
"Momma, are we having shrimp for dinner?"
She tells him, "No, Johnny, we're having meatloaf."
Johnny says, "Oh. Well, Grandma's having shrimp!"
"What do you mean Grandma's having shrimp?"

So Johnny takes his mom's hand, lea...

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Inebriated Indecency

(Sorry for mobile formatting)
Betty and Barry, a middle-aged couple, went out late one hot Friday night to grab dinner. After they had finished their meal, they sat with drinks and enjoyed dessert. Barry excused himself to the restroom and Betty sat there listening and observed the other patrons ...

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Farmhouse

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured h...

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A trucker stops at a random bar along the highway for a drink...

When he walks in, he immediately sees a large jug of tequila sitting in the corner, untouched by all of the other patrons. He says to the bartender



"Hey, what's with the jug over there?"

The bartender replies, "You haven't heard about the house challenge?"

"No, I haven't...

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Two rednecks are at work, digging a trench

Two rednecks, Billy and Bob, are at work digging a trench. The sun is beating down on them, sweat is dripping off their faces, and their hands are blistered from the shovels.

After slogging away at this for days, they start to grumble at the misery of their lot. Eventually Billy says to Bob,...

One day Mr. Rabbit was hopping through the woods..

He was out hopping through the woods, enjoying nature. After hopping around for a while he came across Mr. Deer, who was sparking-up a joint. Mr. Rabbit approached him and said, "Mr. Deer, you don't need that stuff. We have all of this beautiful nature to enjoy. Put that out, and come frolic wit...

Staking a claim

In 1897 a young man set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect for gold.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses t...

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