What's a sure-fire method to figure out precisely how many grams a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

742 Grains of Green Gram

A retired officer goes to a shop and asks the young shopkeeper, "Give me 742 grains of green gram."

The boy, without speaking a word, quickly weighs 200 grams of green gram and gives it to the customer.

Customer asks him, "Are there really 742 grains in this packing?"

Youngster ...

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In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.

His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

I just took three grams

Looks like Myrtle, Edna, and Phyllis won't be making it to Thanksgiving this year.

Why didn’t USA switch from pounds to grams?

Because of mass outrage.

Just got and took 4 grams of shrooms for half the normal price.

I am literally beside myself

How many grams of material are needed to summon satan?

5, all you need is a pentagram

What to use if you want to count the amount of meth grams in your body?

Methmatics

Today in my chemistry lab, the teacher asked a kid to add 4 grams of baking soda to an ounce of vinegar. The moron instead added 4 ounces of baking soda to a pound of vinegar.

It was mass confusion.

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

What do you call a mockingbird that weighs 2,000 grams?

2 kilo mockingbird

Q. What's the downside to having 1000 grams?

A. The pinches on the cheeks get old real fast.

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4 men walk into a pub

They all sit down at the bar and get settled. The first guy to the left leans over to the bartender and asks, “Excuse me, ma’am, can I get a can of olives?”

The bartender hesitates with a confused look, and responds, “I’m sorry, but we actually don't have any olives, or any food items, on the...

Judy came home from shopping and met her 19 year old granddaughter Tae walking out of the shared apartment.

Tae was wearing a sleek black top through which her nipples were easily seen against the threads. In shock, Judy said "Granddaughter! I cannot allow you to go out of this house in such apparel! Your goods are showing way too much!"

To which Tae replied, "Loosen up, Grams. This isn't the 70s, ...

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager said, 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goe...

Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven ate nine grams of bath salts and then killed all of the other numbers.

Communist president is fed up with his life and wants to die as a hero

He has a long speech at the next 1st May celebration in front of a huge crowd of people who all have to cheer and applaud every few seconds "Long live the president! Workers of the world unite!". He's getting really fed up and decides that best death for him will be to be torn to pieces by a wild cr...

A police officer finds some drugs...

Officer: Sir, we got 100g of cocaine.

Senior: How many grams did you say?

Officer: 50g of cocaine.

Senior: Wait, didn't you just say 100 grams?

Officer: I meant 15g of cocaine.

Senior: So is it 100 or 50 or 15g of cocaine?

Officer: What cocaine?

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

If I had a pound for every time I got confused by measurements.

I’d have 454 grams by now.

A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so...

I live in a small town and we only have two police officers

Yet I was still unlucky enough to be pulled over.

There I was, lying face-down on the pavement in a puddle of my own puke with a bottle next to me, car door open.

'hey there, having a good night I see. could you please stand up for me sir?'

I obliged.

'right. Now I'm goi...

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A restaurant owner tells his bartender: ok, today we're gonna serve a special cocktail.

You have to take 10 grams of vodka, dilute it in 100 liters of water and that's basically it.

Bartender: What is this, some mental institution inmates celebrate an anniversary of their institutionalization?

The restaurant owner: No, just a bunch of homeopaths having a corporate party.

How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

A Russian family gets pulled over...

A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militiaman pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the militiaman says, “you’re drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, t...

What system does Satan use to weigh packages?

Penta-grams

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A woman walks into the meatshop

And asks for chicken breasts. The butcher opens up the refrigerator, picks the last one up, and plops it on the weighing machine. The woman goes " It's only 400 grams, don't you have anything heavier?"

The butcher thinks for a while, takes the chicken breast back to the refrigerator, pulls th...

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Sent grandma the wrong picture.

Had to send two pics but only had one Polaroid left so took a full body nude of myself and cut it in half.
Sent the bottom to my girlfriend and the top to my grams.
In a few days the girlfriend calls and says thanks for the pic but wheres the bottom part.
Shit sent the bottom to my grandma....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] My wife likes things done her way and her way only

When I make her a cup of tea I have to use the same type of tea, the water needs to be exactly 86 degrees Celsius, I have to put exactly 1 and a half grams of sugar in before the teabag goes in, stir it six times to the left and once to the right and then add 4 teaspoons of skimmed milk.

If I...

Have you heard of Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohans new sitcom?

It's called "two and a half grams"

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