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There are fuckups, there are royal fuckups, and then there was NASA crashing a spaceship because they confused pounds and kilos.

That was an *Imperial* fuckup.

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A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a kilo

And I was like 0mg

I've set out to lose 10 kilos this month...

Only 15 more to go.

742 Grains of Green Gram

A retired officer goes to a shop and asks the young shopkeeper, "Give me 742 grains of green gram."

The boy, without speaking a word, quickly weighs 200 grams of green gram and gives it to the customer.

Customer asks him, "Are there really 742 grains in this packing?"

Youngster ...

My friend was caught with a kilo of weed in Saudi Arabia.

He was stoned.

Dad, I lost five kilos...

That's great news, son.

Not according to my Colombian friends.

I named my dog "Kilo"

Because he used to byte me.

If America switched from pounds to kilos overnight

There'd be mass confusion.

What's the difference between a 4 year old and 4 kilos of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let 4 kilos of cocaine fall out of a 49th-story window.

- Can I have a kilo of salmon please?

- Here we go, it is $25.
- Can I have a plastic bag?
- It is inside.

What do you call 2,000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds.

If you came across 10 kilos of cocaine in the back of a rental car, what would you do?

Cocaine

The price of lumber has gone up so much...

That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of cocaine.

A hiker in the mountains, meets a shepherd with a flock of sheep.

He ask him:

\+ Do sheep give a lot of wool?

\- Which? the white or the black ones?

The surprised hiker tells him:

\+ Well, the white ones.

\- About seven kilos of wool per season.

\+ And the black ones?

\- Seven kilos as well.

\+ And do...

How much does a million kilos of evangelism weigh?

A Billigraham

My flatmates said I wasted my money buying a kilo of pasta..

..but I say it was worth every penne.

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Charlie Sheen has a kilo of coke and five hookers, he does two eight balls and sends one of the hookers home, what does Charlie Sheen have?

AIDS, Charlie Sheen has AIDS.

Recently signed up for a gym, even paid 3 months in advance. I just weighed myself and I gained 2 kilos!

“If this continues, I think I might have to go there and see what the hell is wrong”

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So this overweight guy wants to lose a few kilos

He's watching TV one day and sees an ad for weight loss: Lose weight fast & cheap! Deciding he'll give it a go, he rings the number.

The lady on the other end asks him how much weight he wants to lose.
"I want to lose 5 kg" the man replies.
"Okay, just give me your credit card numbe...

A Women enters a grocery store

"What are these round green things back there?" she asks the cashier

"Those are apples ma'am" he responds

"Ok, can I have a kilo... ...and pack only one per bag please"

next the women walks up to another shelf and aks:

"What are those orange things i am looking at here?...

A guy goes into a grocery store.

He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper:


"What are those?"


"Those are potatoes"


"Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?"


The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes.


"What are those?"


"Tho...

A Pinoy dies and goes to hell...

A Pinoy (Filipino) dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the...

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A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

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On Sunday, I walked into the weapons store one day and noticed a banner advertising sarin gas.

I went up to the cashier and asked, "Isn't this stuff illegal?"

The cashier replied, "This isn't your ordinary sarin. This type helps you lose weight," gesturing towards another banner claiming that inhaling a whiff of it every day would help me lose 50 kilos by the end of the week.

Fe...

The wife stands on the scale

Wife: Honey I lost 2 kilos!

Husband: Don't celebrate yet you don't have your makeup on.

Jim walked into a bar......

Jim, walked into a Bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies to this by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings ...

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The secret to winning every single Rock, Paper, Scissors game is...

...Weighing about 30+ kilos more than your opponent, looking him firmly in the eye and showing ROCK til they get the fucking message.

New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.

The manager told him:

"Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:"

If they say "How much are the mangoes?" You say "$5 a kilo"

If they ask if they're ripe, you say "Some are, some aren't"

If they say they don't want to buy, you shrug and say "If you don't, someone e...

I wanted to get in shape so I thought I'd try a British gym...

I gained 5 kilos and lost 70 pounds

BREAKING NEWS! CORONAVIRUS!

Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case"....

Druggie

Lil Miss Druggie,

Sat in a buggy,

Smoking an ounce of weed,

Along came a spider,

Skinned up beside her,

And sold her a kilo of speed.

A man walks into a supermarket and goes to the produce section...

He asks the man working the counter for three pounds of potatoes. The worker says, "Mate, we use kilos nowadays."
The man shrugs and says, "Fine, three pounds of kilos, then."

What do you call a fat mockingbird?

two kilo mocking bird

3 Boys Flexing...

Three boys were having an argument about who's dad is the best of them. The first boy said:
-My dad is a prince and everyone greets him saying Your highness.
The second boy said:
-Well my dad is the king and everyone greets them saying My king.
The third boy said:
-WELL MY DAD WEIGHT...

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A man was pulled over for speeding.

A man was late for an important function and was speeding a good 25 mph over the speed limit when a state trooper pulled him over.

Officer: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?

Man: I guess so officer, I knew I couldn’t outrun the law forever. The gun is in my glove compartment, a k...

A man walks into a grocery store.

Asks for a pound of tomatoes.

The grocer says, "we call them kilos over here."

The man replies "fine, a pound of kilos then."

A Russian spy meets the minister of defence...

The Russian minister of defence calls Boris Morozov, the best spy in Russia, to infiltrate the American army and find out why they excel so much in combat.

"Understood" says Boris. " I will infiltrate the US army for a year and then I will come back to motherland with findings"

And so...

When I was a boy, mum would send me down to the store with $5

I'd come back with a sack of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 liters of milk, 2 kilos of flour plain and self-raising AND have a pocket full of candy. You can't do that anymore. These days there are too many security cameras.

One for the English Teachers/Fanatics

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilo mockingbird.

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Two men are speeding when they get pulled over......

The driver tells his passenger, "I'll take care of this." As soon as the cop approaches, the man leans out and tells the cop, Just to let you know, I have a loaded gun in the glove box."

The cop orders them out of the car, face down on the sidewalk, cuffs them and backs over to his radio to c...

A couple of robbers decided to rob a bank

They break and infiltrate the bank and when they open the safe, they find kilos of yogurts. Disappointed but mad, they started to drink all of them.

While they were exiting with belly full of yogurt, the robbers saw the guardian of the bank and asked him:
"-Hello sir, where do you keep th...

Wedding Night Bliss

Zoe and her newlywed husband, Mike, couldn’t wait for their first night. After a romantic dinner, they retire to the honeymoon suite. As they’re undressing, Zoe shyly says “Just so you know, I’m pretty flat around the chest” “Not to worry, my love” says Mike, “I’m built like a baby down there.” Fina...

What is black, white, and gray, has feathers, and weighs almost four and a half pounds?

Two-kilo mockingbird.

What was Pablo Escobar's favorite book?

Two kilo mockingbird.

A man gets pulled over for speeding

The cop comes over to the window and asks the man, "What's the rush?"
"Well, you see I a body in the trunk and I wanna bury it ASAP before it stinks up the place," Answers the man.
The cop confused, "Why is there a body in the trunk?"
"Well, I wanted to buy 3 kilos of heroin and the other g...

What do you call 2000 of Harper E. Lee's favorite birds?

Two kilo-mockingbirds

Topical Jokes for 1/6

A report shows that North Korea has 6,000 cyber attack specialists. In fairness, North Korea’s definition of “cyber attack specialist” is anyone who’s ever watched “The Matrix.”

...these cyber attack specialists can access any computer on the planet, and leave the message “Please. Help me get...

After progressively lifting heavier weights, I was finally able to squat 600 pounds.

Unfortunately, all that money still weighs less than a kilo.

How do you measure a great misunderstanding?

In kiloWats

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