Ounce Jokes - 68 Hilarious Ounce Jokes

What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous

A sparrow with a machine gun

A man offered me a free 72 ounce steak if I could finish it all in 30 minutes or less. I politely declined....

Upon further thought, It was a huge missed steak

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

I had an ounce of weed last week :)

But I lost it in a series of small fires. :(

What's grey and comes in ounces?

An elephant.

What's the difference between a baby and an ounce of Coke?

Eric Clapton would never drop an ounce of Coke out of a window

I had to buy my mother 144 ounces of coke.

They were out of 2-liters.

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A shipwrecker was swimming in the sea with his last ounce of strength, when he saw an island.

He rejoiced and started to swim towards the shore, when suddenly, he felt something squeeze him hard by the balls.

An unknown creature appeared below the surface of the water. Surprisingly, it spoke with a deep voice:
"Plus two or minus two?"
He was puzzled, but he wanted to get t...

When I was born, I only weighed 33.8 ounces.

Doctor said I was a natural born liter.

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."

The man says to the doctor "Okay, what are they?"

<...

Today in my chemistry lab, the teacher asked a kid to add 4 grams of baking soda to an ounce of vinegar. The moron instead added 4 ounces of baking soda to a pound of vinegar.

It was mass confusion.

An old lady is riding the bus...

... when a haggard young mother with a screaming baby gets on. The mother sits across from the old lady, who watches her try everything to calm the child: burps her, rocks her, tries to feed her. Nothing works. The baby continues to scream its head off. Other passengers shoot the mother annoyed look...

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Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer Jones: “well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table” ...

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

Little Joe: "Granddad...

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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the growth state of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant a...

Expensive Perfume

So, big Moira, from Glasgow, is on a weekend trip to London.

She is in an elevator in a Harrods, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

Big Moira remarks, "My, what nice aromas!"

One of the women turns, looks Moira up and down...

Oz

Policeman: Name please?

Man: The Wizard of Oz

Policeman: Your FULL name

Man: (quietly) The Wizard of Ounces

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Four men and their dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man as an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took...

Sharp Retort

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the ol...

What do you call an American parallelogram?

A parallelo-ounce

How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

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The redhead mom, the brunette mom, and the blonde mom.

There are three moms. A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed."
They comfort her, and the redhea...

I got scammed on eBay today

I ordered a pound of cure. Box they sent me only contained an ounce of prevention.

A couple had been dating for a few months.

And they decided to consummate the relationship.

As they were driving to the hotel the man says, “Just so you know I am really nervous about doing this, you see I am built like a baby boy down there.”

She replies, “OMG I bet that was really hard to to confess too! And I am so relieved...

Druggie

Lil Miss Druggie,

Sat in a buggy,

Smoking an ounce of weed,

Along came a spider,

Skinned up beside her,

And sold her a kilo of speed.

What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 "regular" ounces.

The more you know...

A woman and her neighbour go to the police station to report the woman's missing husband.

"How tall is your husband?" asks the cop.

"About six foot three," replies the woman.

"SIX FOOT THREE!" shouts the neighbour. "Your husband is barely taller than you are!"

"How much does your husband weigh?" asks the cop.

"About 150 pounds."

"ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY P...

I would like to buy some weed

Me: I would like to buy some weed

Seller: *whispers* An ounce?

Me: sure.... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I WOULD LIKE TO BUY SOME WEED

I don't get why people saying "you're hung like a baby" is an insult

21 inches and 7 pounds 2 ounces is pretty impressive if you ask me.

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Dolly Parton and Princess Diana pass away on the same day.

They arrive at the pearly gates at the very same time.

Saint Peter is waiting in judgment. With both women vying for entry, St. Peter announces, “Ladies, I only have one more space in Heaven today. You’ll have to prove you’re worthy.”

Dolly Parton laughs and says “No problem, Pete!” ...

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A man and a woman are getting married

Coming from very conservative families, they had been completely chaste, never having even seen each other naked.

The day before their wedding, the woman comes up to her fiancé and says "Honey, I've got something to tell you. I've been stuffing my bra, I'm actually very flat chested" and the ...

A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.

The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling fart. Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a p...

Engineer smarts.

An optomist, a pessimist, and an engineer were all shown a 24 ounce glass with 12 ounces of water in it.

The optomist looked and said, "the glass is half full."

The pessimist looked and said, "the glass is half empty."

The engineer looked and said, "there's twice as much glass...

A dairy farmer walks in to his feed store and asks the clerk, "Has your product recently changed?"

"Same formula for two decades now" replies the clerk. "Why do you ask? Your cattle not eating?"

"No, it's not that. It's just that their flatulence has become unbearable. It used to not bother me, but it's got to the point that I can't even be in the barn without wearing a respirator."
<...

An old man was laying on his death bed

With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolat...

With the brexit news, they say the pound is failing.

They're calling it the ounce, now.

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Harry the horse

Once upon a time, in a quaint little village nestled between rolling green hills, there lived a horse named Harry. Now, Harry was no ordinary horse; he possessed an uncanny ability to make the most mundane situations utterly hilarious. His knack for comedy made him the talk of the town, and villager...

Guy got so drunk he blew chunks (vomited)

A bartender overhears a guy in the bar bragging to his friends about how he is going to "tie one on" About 10 minutes later the guy walks up to the bar and asks for a 40 pounder of tequila. The bartender says to him I'll make you a deal, if you drink that whole bottle of tequila before you leave h...

I used to be a programmer

But now I like ounces.

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Daring strategy

After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a great dating strategy. I’ll pretend to be gay. I’m going to make tons of chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when they haven’t got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!

I’ll get their boyfriends!

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A man sits down at a children's park

A man is sitting down at a bench enjoying some lunch during his lunch break. Overhead he watches children frolick and play. But then he sees a group of women quietly discussing (obviously) him.

Then all of the sudden one of the women confidently approaches the man. With an ounce of cockyness,...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of 10 dollar bills sitting on the counter.

He figures there must be thousands of dollars in that jar because it is quite large and nearly filled to the brim.

The man then approaches the bartender and inquires him about the jar of money.

The bartender tells him, "If you drop a 10 dollar bill into that jar and pass three challeng...

Bob went to see his friend, Hank, who was dying in the hospital.

As Bob stood by the bed, Hank’s condition grew worse. He frantically reached toward his friend and gestured for something to write with and something to write on.

Bob hurriedly gave his friend a pen and paper and watched as Hank used the last ounce of his strength to scribble down his final,...

2 Yetis meet on a dating app

2 Yetis matched on a dating app one day. One was American, the other European. In spite of American Yeti’s peculiarities and the yawning physical gap between them, they hit it off. Having gone back and forth for a little while, American Yeti asks European Yeti for a picture. European Yeti happily ob...

Soda joke

Why was the CEO of Pepsi fired?

They caught him with an ounce of coke in his system.

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3 murders get caught and get 10 years solitary...

During their killing spree they spare the life of an old man. They have 24 hour lock down and the old man turns out to be a wizard and approaches them in prison and says I cant set you all free but i will give you whatever you love the most in your cell.

So the first guy says woman, So the gu...

Irish bank robbery

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers c...

SWEET PERFUME

A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train. I took in a breath and asked aloud, 'What's that smell?'
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, 'Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce." She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart. She turns to me and asks ,Wh...

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A guy in full medieval armor walks into a bar

He sits down at the counter and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.

The bartender preps the drink, but the armored man is visibly dissatisfied with the drink.

"Barkeep? Wouldst thou kindly rehome this drink in a larger glass?"

The bartender does so.

"Verily, I tha...

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Love at first sight

A guy and woman were sitting in a bar, their eyes met from across the room and it was love at first sight. They stood up together and approached each other. After a few drinks the man said "I know this is crazy but lets get married". The woman responded with "It is crazy but i was thinking the exact...

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Pedro and Juan are stranded in the desert... (My favourite joke, [LONG])

After a day of walking, staggering, then crawling, they are thirsty, starving, and near death. They are about to give up when Juan exclaims,

“Pedro, look! At thee bottom of the dune... it’s an Oasis!”

Pedro struggles to bring his head up to look. “Juan... I think so my friend. I think...

Golgatha, And The Romans Have Christ On The Cross

All of Christ's followers are there: Mary Magdalene, Mark, Luke, and Peter, weeping as their savior hangs, dying.
As he consoles Mary, Peter hears Christ's faint voice,"Peter. Peter. Come here..."
Peter goes to Christ, "Yes my Lord?"
But the Roman guards are quick, and they beat Pete...

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[Long] The Life of Parmish [Part 1]

There were once two young brothers from India, Parmish and Dudah, who decided one day to travel the world. They went to London, France, China, Japan, and many other countries. They ate all the exotic food they came across and explored many different cultures and experiences.

At their last st...

A Nun Pun [x-post from /r/Catholicism]

Fifth grade teacher Sister Agnes was leading her parochial school class in an arts and crafts activity; tie-dying t-shirts. A couple of unruly students were getting a bit reckless with their bottles of dye when they accidentally spilled several ounces of pink pigment down the back of Sister Agnes....

A man that can understand animals walks into a bar...

...and he yells it out for the whole bar to hear. The bartender says to the man, "come out back to the barn and let's see wat good can do."

The man follows him to the barn upon seeing a cow. It moans "moooooo"

Curiously the bartender asks "what did he say". The man explains "the cow sa...

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A man was walking across a desert with his camel

A man was walking across a desert with his camel. It had been close to 10 days since the two had left the last oasis.

In the blazing heat, the man decided to take a sip of water. But noticing that he had only a few ounces of water left, he decided to save it for later.

The blazing hea...

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[NSFW] So a man walks into a pub. There is a jar of money on the bar...

He asks the bartender "what's with the jar of money?" The bartender tells him there is a few tasks, and if he can complete them, he can have all the money in it. Without hesitation, the man asks what those tasks are.

The bartender says "First, you must drink this entire bottle of vodka straig...

The difference between Canadian and American men...

Back during WWII, an American GI met a Canadian soldier fighting along side him. The two fought together throughout the war and both made it home safely.

After the war, the two returned to their respective homes and decided to marry their respective sweethearts. The two became such good fri...

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The local hot shot had never lost a drag race.

He had a souped up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible: straight pipes, turbo, the works.

There's a straightaway on a back road where all the l...

An Asian guy walks past a bar with a strange sign.

The sign reads: "We double-charge for all drinks. If you leave without finishing your drink the remaining money will be credited to the first person who asks for them instead of being returned to you. Please ensure you order just enough!"

He sits down next to an Asian girl. She turns...

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A mother is concerned about her sons future

... so she goes to here priest and says "father, I'm concerned for my boy! He doesn't seem to have any ambitions and I'm concerned he won't amount to anything!"
So the father says to her "do not worry, take me to your home and I shall put your mind at ease."
So she takes him to her house and...

Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few ...

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An aspiring oil tycoon's oil rig catches fire...

A company immediately shows up to the scene and offers to extinguish the fire and repair his oil rig for $100,000,000. The oil tycoon says, "Hell, at $100,000,000 I'll let the damn thing burn itself out and retire on what I've already made". The next day another company shows up at his door offering...

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Hung Like a Baby

A young, and very conservative couple is planning to get married. They are deeply in love, but have scarcely done more than hold hands, and only with each other. As they walk along the downtown streets of their city, admiring wedding dresses and cakes at various shops, and making notes about what th...

Stranded on an Island

There once was a young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every las...

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