UPJOKE
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Tons Jokes

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

I love you honey pie, my wife said earlier. And I love you tons, I replied.

What, no nickname for me? She asked.

Sometimes I swear she’s going deaf.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

There were tons of reddit admins responsible for today's commotion.

But not many of them.

20 Tons of Canaries

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler; at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door.
After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had...

I have tons of LGBTQ friends, so I asked them what LGBTQ meant.

I couldn't get a straight answer

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

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Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

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There are tons of girls in my software engineering class...

...just not very many of them.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.

What weighs 40 tons, fits seven guys and is just getting towed away by 2 rednecks in a tractor?

Your Mum.

I have tons of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work

Why do muslim comedians always get tons of laughs?

Cause nobody wants them to bomb the show.

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I don't understand why everyone thinks the KKK are racist.

Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.

To everyone buying up tons of toilet paper:

You should get a bidet. It'd be right up your alley.

Contrary to popular belief, in Engineering, you do meet tons of women...

Just not very many

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"


The Princess said "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

My mom has been giving me tons of these kinds of jokes, here goes

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken-tender!

Whenever I tell her I'm gonna put them on reddit she gets so excited, so I'm gonna keep posting them

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this...

What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons?

A πton.

A banker buys 5 tons of NaCl...

Yeah, he's known for his compound interest.

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What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons

A fucking huge city devouring monster. Imagine walking around and seeing a 3 ton snake. Jesus fuck.

You have to admire Amish people for their great sense of self-derision. You can find tons of jokes making fun of them on Reddit...

But you never see one of them writing a disapproving comment below.

What did the Mexican truck driver say in his defense when he got pulled over with ten tons of imported snails?

Es Cargo.

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

I get really annoyed when complete strangers start asking me tons of personal questions.

On another note, my job interview today went terribly.

A way to get tons of people in a Microsoft Word party

is to Calibri (Body)

I found a way to save 27 million tons of paper per year

I signed up for e-mail receipts at CVS

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench...

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn't eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn't sure what to do with them, so he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.

After several rounds, two finalists emerged: Mr. Hic...

I posted a joke here and nobody seemed to notice. A day later somebody else posted my joke and got tons of upvotes.

They weren’t lying when they said one mans trash is another mans treasure.

How many girls do you have to date before you’ve dated literally tons of girls?

Half an American girl or 14 French girls.

I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers

It was cracka-lackin

An explorer was hacking a path deep into an almost impenetrable rainforest.

After a few weeks, he stumbled across a large clearing in the trees.

Right in the middle of the clearing was a huge bull elephant, laying down on its side, motionless. As the explorer cautiously approached the elephant, he could see that it wasn’t breathing.

On closer inspection, the ...

An Investigator would also be a good name for a crocodile with tons of venture capital.

FYI, i know the difference between the two but it doesn't sound right with a word echo.

There was this wonderful singer in my choir class once. She couldn't read any of the music, but then again, tons of famous singers didn't read music.

I mean, Ray Charles couldn't read sheet music to save his life.

I ran into a celebrity while walking down Hollywood Boulevard. He had a mullet, tons of jewelry, and was yelling, “I piy the fool!”

I said, “Hey, you missed a t.”

Study finds Washington state residents consumed 175 metric tons of pot in 2013 (real news)

As a result, the state is changing it's slogan to "Whoa Dude."

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The womanizer, the drunk, and the pot head

There was a womanizer, a drunk and a pot head that got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in hell the devil told them "welcome to hell, as a punishment you will have to spend 1000 years in your own personal rooms with punishments specific to your sins and if you learn your lesson you ge...

I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women.

There were tons of girls there, just not very many.

A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.

The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.

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