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The Canadian Jokes

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

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The Canadian

A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Canadian yells WTF?

The Russ...

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it’s Trudeau.

Update 1: There are some rumours that are Justin.

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

Two Canadians End up in Hell...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan...

Damn girl, you remind me of the Canadian wildfires….

..You take my breath away.

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

A Canadian visits America...

... and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger.

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

Why did the Canadian Siamese twins go to the UK on vacation?

So the other one could drive.

You might not agree with or even believe the claims of the Canadian prime minister

It's Trudau.

If you get lost in the Canadian wilderness, don’t panic unless you see at least one grizzly stalking you.

That’s the bear minimum.

What is the first question on the Canadian Citizenship Exam?

Who’s sorry now?

What did the Canadian woman whisper to the American man while they were slow-dancing?

"Is that a pistol in your pocket? No, seriously, is that a pistol?"

The Canadians get sent to hell

So the rapture happens and all the Canadians get sent to hell because they didn’t hold the door or say sorry enough and the devil sees them celebrating. Bothered by this he asks “you’rein hell why are you celebrating“ and the Canadians respond “it’s like minus thirty where we live this is awesome. A...

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

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Is this winter gonna be cold?

The Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was go...

A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?"

And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."

What did the Canadian say to the other Canadian when they saw a guy in a giant pink bathtub sailing around in circles in the middle of Lake Ontario?

"What's that, a boat?"

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An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "yo...

[Long] This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. It was released by the Canadian Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

Canadians: Negative. Divert your course 15 degrees to the South

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy sh...

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So The Canadian Government Is Changing The 2 Dollar Coin

Under pressure from the LGBT community the Canadian government is taking the Iconic polar bear off the 2 dollar coin and replacing it with 2 male deer mating.

Now everyone who has one will have “2 Fucking Bucks” in their pockets

How the Canadians prepare their army

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

Did you hear about the Canadian being tried for treason?

He wouldn’t apologize.

The Canadian president is an idiot

People often say I'm wrong but it's Trudeau

How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico?

With the help of a hose eh.

Trump blames the Canadian PM sometimes

But it’s not always Trudeau

9th August 2021: a blond American woman is at the Canadian immigration counter......

The immigration officer is puzzled for a minute and then the light comes on.

"Thank you ma'am for that view but it is vaxxed not waxed'

The Canadian police kicked down my door to my meth lab

Thankfully i was able to escape while they were trying to fix my door.

What did the canadian dino wear to keep warm?

A Jurassic Parka

What’s the Canadian curling team’s favorite board game?

Sorry Sliders

The Canadian Conservative Party Leadership Convention is taking so long...

Justin Trudeau managed to create another scandal.

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The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”

The Yank said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”

The Canadian said, “That’s nothing, we have women with pussies this big.” (He then...

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Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell

The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.

The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.

The American is next.

He walks towards th...

Congratulations to Justin Trudeau on the results of the Canadian Election

He always did want to be a minority.

Did you hear about the Canadian chapter of the KKK?

They call themselves the Eh Eh Eh.

What's the first letter of the Canadian alphabet?

Eh

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
" Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" ...

Do you know anything about the Canadian alphabet?

It’s pretty much the same... but I think they have a pretty cool eh

A Scotsman goes to visit his Canadian cousin

They're out walking in the wilderness, when suddenly this huge moose walks past them. The Scotsman, having never seen one before, is astounded.

"What the bloody hell was that?" he asks.

"Oh, that?" the Canadian replies. "That's just one of our Canadian moose."

"Good God," the Sc...

What did the Canadian say when asked how she felt about the Northern provivences?

“I like Nunavit”

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?

Just aboot

Some people say the Canadian prime minister does not like dressing up like a black person.

But it's Trudeau.

Being a nice guy is like the Canadian military..

Cute, innocent, isn't taken seriously and will never get any action

I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border.

I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.

What part of the Canadian flag is the French's?

The white part.

What do the Canadians use to hang themselves

A moose

What does the Canadian guy says he does after drinking a really hoppy beer?

IPA!

Why is the Canadian school system broken

because they only give out ehs

If your in Canada and need the Canadian Police

Just have an argument without saying "Please", "Thank you", or "Sorry".


Sorry.

Did you hear about the Canadian Prime Ministers defenestration fetish?

He'll throw you Trudeau's windows.

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A Canadian drove into the US in hopes of visiting Orange County.

He stopped at the first gas station he saw and asked the attendant for directions.

“Orange County?!” exclaimed the attendant. “You’re in fucking New York! Get out of my station, you crazy son of a bitch.”

The Canadian left, puzzled by the attendant’s impoliteness. He decided to drive ...

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Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

An ode to the Canadian Thanksgiving: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

I will tell you tomorrow.

What did the Canadian Sniper say after making a record-breaking kill shot?

Sorry

Why wasn't the Canadian scared at the movie theater?

He knew Nunavut was real.

The difference between Canadian and American men...

Back during WWII, an American GI met a Canadian soldier fighting along side him. The two fought together throughout the war and both made it home safely.

After the war, the two returned to their respective homes and decided to marry their respective sweethearts. The two became such good fri...

The Canadian government spends more time and money taking care of other countries than its own people in poverty

You may think I’m wrong but it’s Trudeau

Why is the Canadian Mint so confusing?

Because they don't make any cents.

What did the Canadian deer say to her boyfriend when he forgot their anniversary?

Do you even caribout me?

I would say that the Canadian immigration website will crash again...

But it’s blocked, unless you upgrade to the Tourism Package™ for just $4.99 a month!

Why did the Canadian meteorologists lose to the American meteorologists in basketball?

Because it was unfair in height

The Canadian restaurant by my house has been closed for renovations.

They're just doing some poutine maintenance.

My friend thinks that the Canadian PM is an evil guy.

I don't think that's Trudeau.

Did you hear that Donald Trump claimed the Canadian Prime Minister uttered a falsehood?

It was Trudeau

Why did the Canadian DJ turn down the gig at the local Y?

Because why emcee, eh?

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What's the difference between the Canadian-American border and a performance enhancing drug?

Niagara Falls, Viagra rises.

Why weren't there any famous gun slingers in the Canadian West?

Because they all wore mittens.

What was the hexadecimal 6 afraid of the Canadian hexadecimal 7?

Because 7 8 9 A

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The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

A Canadian woman living near the border

A Canadian woman lives with her family in a forest near the border with the US. One autumn morning, her son comes home from town holding a letter. He approaches the woman and says:

"According to this letter, the United States wants to consider this area as part of Montana. The Canadian govern...

I still can't believe how they can say that the Canadian Prime Minister is good looking

I mean it's Trudeau.

I'm not gonna argue.

My friend thinks the Canadian prime minister does not know quantum physics.

I know it's trudeau.

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A Canadian and an American get into a drunken bar fight. The Canadian doesn't give a shit, he just fucking goes nuts. American takes off running while getting called a chicken.

American yells back: Sorry man, a fight is just not in the budget right now, still paying off my broken nose from 6 months ago!

The Boston snowstorm so was bad the Canadians reported on it.

They called it Tuesday.

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