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Takeaway Jokes

My local Chinese takeaway is really struggling with cost of energy bills

They don't want to turn all the lights off, but they do dim sum

I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday.

A man picked up the phone and said: “Hello! I am wan kin the chef.” I said that I’ll come back later

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Chinese Takeaway

Chinese Takeaway - £24

Petrol To pick it up - £2

Getting home and realizing the twats have forgotten one of your containers.

Riceless

Who delivers Indian takeaway to you?

Postman Chaat.


I’ll get my coat.

What do you call a delivery driver from an indian takeaway?

A curryier.

Bewar this chinese takeaway

Hate to do this about a family run restaurant, but feel you deserve to know. ** Be aware **
We ordered a Chinese takeaway from this place (we won't name them while its being investigated) we went to pick it up and as we were driving home, we heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
We thought ...

Just ordered a Chinese takeaway

It was delivered by this little chinese guy,
I opened the door before he got there and he started yelling "ISOLATE! ISOLATE!"

I said "don't worry about it, i only ordered it 20 minutes ago"

A genie appears and offers a golfer three wishes.

A genie appears and offers a golfer three wishes.

“The only catch,” says the genie, “is that whatever you wish for, your wife will receive 10 times over.”

“OK,” the guy says. “I want to be the best golfer in the world.”

The genie blinks and suddenly the guy can feel a new golf s...

Just ordered Hong Kong style sweet and sour chicken from my local takeaway

4 police officers delivered it and fired tear gas through my front door.

I bought a Chinese takeaway last night

On the drive home I saw the bag was rustling. I looked inside and saw two eyes staring back at me. Panicked, I thought it was a rat or a mouse.

I pulled it out the bag as quick as possible.

Turns out it was just a Peking Duck!

Thanks to Uber Eats, ordering Chinese takeaway for a picnic is as easy as a

wok in the park.

An Irish man calls a Chinese takeaway after a night in the pub

*phone rings*

Chinese takeaway: "Hello, Wan-King"

Irishman: "Oh Christ I'll call you back in 10 minutes"

I went to a restaurant called The Lord Giveth.

He also does takeaway

A Chinese takeaway order is about 25 dollars. The price of gas to get there and back is about 3 dollars.

Realising that you forgot one of the containers at the shop is riceless.

Major takeaway of the USA 2016 presidential elections...

...Mexicans

I got a new job working in a cafeteria. I asked the guy I was serving if he wanted to eat in or takeaway and he told me to f*ck off!

I love working in the prison canteen!

Clever.

I tried everywhere to get a Taxi home last night, all were fully booked.

So I went to the local takeaway and ordered a delivery to my address and got in with the driver.

Had an excellent meal last night at this cosy little Christian restaurant near us called "The Lord Giveth"

They also do takeaways.

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My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

Did you hear about the award United Airlines just got?

They were voted best in Chinese takeaway!

Jesus meets the disciples at the table...

...and he sees a massive spread of Chinese takeaway dishes laid out in front of them.

"Where did all this food come from?" Jesus asks.

Matthew replies "This was ordered by Judas, apparently he came into a load of money recently."

A guy orders a burger and chips.

“I’ll have a burger and chips please” says a guy.

“Are you eating in or do you want it takeaway?” I ask.

“Get f*cked c*nt!” Says the guy as he grabs his food and walks away.

I love working in the prison canteen.

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My vegetarian friend

My vegetarian friend believes that animals don't deserve to just die for our food, and she always lectures everybody about it. One day, I caught her having a Carribean takeaway, which was clearly chicken, so I did what she would've done and started going on about how that chicken didn't deserve to d...

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As i walked my girlfriend home

Walking the girlfriend home from her weightwatchers class last night, I held her close as we went through a nasty-looking underpass system in the rough end of town.

As we turned a corner, I locked eyes with a filthy tramp eating someone's discarded takeaway from a bin.

"Look at that po...

Recently, I've started to do crosswords a lot.

Like those really cryptic ones you get in the weekend papers, with clues like 'fish worn on head, (5, 7,)', and stuff like that. I get really intense about them, though, and can't stand starting a new one until I've finished the last one. I refuse to use dictionaries and things on principle, and I'l...

After years of stuffing her face, my wife finally took it too far and fell into a deep diabetic coma.

After two weeks of no improvement, her doctor took me to one side..

"I'm sorry, but all our tests are indicating no sign of her ever recovering." He told me, sombrely.

"It may be time to take away her life support."

Suddenly, my wife's eyes sprung open and she sat bolt uprigh...

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Brits

They drive a German Cars.

They go to Irish Pubs.

To drink Belgium beer.

They get a Chinese Takeaway on the way back.

They sit on Swedish furniture.

To watch American films.

On a Japanese TV.


Most of all though they are suspicious of all thi...

One day, a bus driver woke up late and didnt have time for breakfast.

Nor did he have time to pack lunch.

And, that was the day he was to drive a bus full of elderly to a rural town. Many miles from any form of takeaway food places.

As it grew later in the day he grew hungrier and hungrier. Lunch time came and went and he was starving.

A little...

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