UPJOKE
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Two Aussie bogans, Gazza and Dazza, are stumbling home one night

Gazza looks down and sees a mirror on the ground, so he picks it up for a closer look.

"Hey Dazza, I think I know this cunt."

"Give me a look at that" says Dazza. "Of course you do ya dickhead, It's me!"

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Pastor Pete looks out his window after prayers one morning and he sees old Captain Salty stumbling down the road zig-zagging back back and forth.

"Hey, you crusty old pirate," Pastor Pete yelled. "What are doing drunk already? It's not even seven a.m."

"Let me tell, ye, ye nosy busy body," Captain Salty replied, "I haven't had a drink in over twelve hours!"


"Is that so?" asked Pastor Pete. "I hope your sea legs are better...

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers.

“Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk."

“You’re right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly. You’ll have to appear before me at 10AM ...

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What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?

An Uber so he can get home safely

I was stumbling my way back to my airbnb near Anchorage, Alaska at 2 am and got a little lost.

I came to a graveyard and realized where I was staying was just on the other side, so I figured I'd just cut through. As I approached the graveyard I came across 3 young ladys, nicely dressed and in high heels. They were also looking to also cross the graveyard and seemed to have a fun night out the...

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?" "Yesh, Shombody shtole me car!",

The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key." About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The Irishman looks down woefully a...

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cold lips

There once was a young apprentice shepard learning the ropes of his job at an old remote farm in the mountains. The old shepard took the young apprentice under his wing. "Looky here rook, you're going to be staying alone for the night at the farm. We've had problems with the wolves before, but if th...

A drunk man is stumbling around outside...

He smells of beer and looks absolutely plastered. A priest walks by and asks him why he's getting drunk so early in the day. The man wobbles a bit and belches out "Why, I'm your lord and savior". The priest is, obviously, unconvinced and begins to walk away. The drunk calls out "Look, I'll prove it!...

A drunk and a Preacher

A drunk stumbling through the woods comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He walks out into the water and bumps into the preacher. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So, the preach...

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Stumbling across some lines of code you wrote in your last job, is like running into your ex

They still look good, although not perfect and showing some signs of age.

You remember the good and bad times you spent with them.

You recollect all the little mistakes you made, and wonder whether you could've done something differently.

You've learned a lot, and hope to use th...

A drunk is stumbling down the street, and approaches a cop on duty

The drunk says, "Officer, I need your help. Somebody stole my car!"

The cops askes, "Where was it when you last saw it?"

The drunk replies, holding a silver key, "right on the end of this key."

The cop chuckles, and says, "Well, you better head down to the station and fill out t...

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So a church needed a bell ringer…

The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’

Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.

T...

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So my grandad was stumbling through the house after the power went out, looking for a snack of leftover chicken in the fridge, tripped over a trash can and yelled "Aaaargh!" as he fell.

Which came first, the shitcan or the aaargh?

A man at the bar realizes it's getting late and pays his tab to go home

As he tries to get off the stool, he immediately falls flat on his face. "Uh oh, I must have drunk more than I thought," he thinks.

He manages to drag himself over to the front door and pull himself upright, but as soon as he takes a step outside, he falls on his face again.
"Hoo boy, I r...

A completely drunk man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

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Parrot, Monkey and Lizard sits in a tree somewhere in the jungle, smoking a joint.

After a while of blazing it up, Lizard starts struggling with cotton mouth, and says he needs to go drink some water down at the creek.

Stumbling up to the creek, Lizard starts drinking water like his life depends on it, bloodshot eyes and giggling all along.

Crocodile spots him and s...

A drunken bearded man is stumbling around outside a bar . . .

"I'm Jesus Christ! I am Jesus Christ!" He's yelling. No one bothers with him as he paces around waving his arms. Finally a man walks up, "I'm Jesus Christ" he yells at the man. "Ok" says the man "prove it and I'll give you 10 dollars." So the drunk nods and walks into the bar. "OH JESUS CHRIST!" Say...

Driving home one day I saw my boss drunkenly stumbling in the road.

I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

After a night out with friends a man comes stumbling home late

He's greeted by his wife looking stern with her arms crossed.
She exclaims "Drunk again!"
He replies "Me too!"

Stumbling Drunk

A drunk stumbling down the street walks up to this cop and says, “Man, somebody stole my car.”


Cop says, “Well, where was it last?”

Man says, “Right here on the end of this key.”


Cop says,“I dunno man. Why don’t you head to the precinct house and report it there. They’ll...

Putins army is on an assault in Ukrainian.

And a platoon is making their way through a Wooded area when someone heard a twig snap over the hill in front of them.
The commander sends a scout out in front to find out what was in front of them. Some minutes go by and their scout calls out “an Ukrainian man is spotted about 200….. pzzz” and t...

Drunk guy takes the bus

Drunk guy gets on a bus stumbling. The bus goes forward, drunk guy stumbles back. Each stop drunk guy stumbles forward. When he reaches his destination, bus driver says,

"Hey you didnt pay the fare"

Drunk guy, "what are you talking about I walked here!"

I took my son the park to play when we stumbled across two dogs mating.....

My son being the adorable curious little guy he is stopped stared and asked me

“what are them doggies doing daddy?”

Now me being a modern father wanted to enlighten my boy with real world facts and information....... however also being an easily embarrassed stumbling fool of a man I bl...

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