Stumbled Jokes

The driver said, "It's a fine if you're sick on my seats."

I said, "Thanks, mate," and immediately threw up everywhere.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it f... read more

"Boy, I wouldn't do THAT again for two bucks!"

He picked it up and pulled the cork and a genie jumped out.

Genie: Thank you for freeing me. I will grant you one wish.

Man: I've heard this one, whatever I wish for will come back and bite me.

Genie: Nah man I won't do that. In fact if that happens I'll give you unlimited wishe... read more

I was waiting for the right time to talk about the matter.

Not too worried as he will be with a new family by tomorrow.

It was pretty in tents.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb... read more

I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?

...it was a site for sore eyes.

He says "hey genie, I get three wishes right? I want ten more bottles of jack Daniels" to which the genie replies "ten more?!?!?!?!? Are yous sure? You're already wasted enough" to which the guy relies " you can't judge me! You're the one that lives in the bottle!"

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som... read more

... She asked the manager, "What's magic about them?"

The man replied, "Well, if you wear it, you won't get pregnant!"

The woman bought the underwear but came back a few weeks later.

"You said that I won't get pregnant! It doesn't even work!" The woman lashed out at the manager.... read more

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
... read more

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ... read more

The steaks have never been higher.

nothing seems to be rising

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri... read more

After a few moments they all agreed that being men of God, they can't take all the gold for themselves. They have to give something back to God. The Priest said: i'm going to draw a square on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside the square is mine to take, whatever ... read more

My son being the adorable curious little guy he is stopped stared and asked me

“what are them doggies doing daddy?”

Now me being a modern father wanted to enlighten my boy with real world facts and information....... however also being an easily embarrassed stumbling fool of a man I bl... read more

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-... read more

It was the asphalt.

He crawled into bed and, feeling a little frisky, whispered into his wife’s ear, “Hey, honey, how about a little 69?”

His wife rolled over and looked at him. “It’s 3 am,” she replied, “and you want me to make chicken with broccoli?”

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about... read more