Why did a statistician take a zebra with him when he boarded a train?

Because statistically, it's a lot less likely to be a train accident with a Zebra inside it...

Because statistically, it's a lot less likely to be a train accident with a Zebra inside it...

They are behind a bush and all three see a 12 point buck off into the distance.

The chemist stands up and shoots at the deer but misses 50 yards to the left.

The physicist stands up and shoots at the deer and misses 50 yards to the right.

The statistician...

The chemist stands up and shoots at the deer but misses 50 yards to the left.

The physicist stands up and shoots at the deer and misses 50 yards to the right.

The statistician...

A Statistician gets on a plane. Guy next to him says "I'm scared of flying." The statistician says "I used to be. I used to be worried about terrorists." The guy asks "How'd you stop being scared?" The statistician says "I bought a bomb on the plane." Panicked, the guy yells "What!?"

Stati...

Stati...

Percentile disfunction

So I asked them why and they told me, statistically speaking, most of what you say is boring.

**Guy**: You're the most average girl out here.

**Girl**: Hey, you're mean!

**Guy**: No, you are.

**Girl**: Hey, you're mean!

**Guy**: No, you are.

Hₒ Hₒ Hₒ

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So their p is never too high.

Probably

That's mean

The first dart veers wildly to the left. The second dart veers wildly to the right. The statistician exclaims, "bullseye!"

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

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Get them to pronounce "analyzed".

OC. This is my take on the joke about how the chemist and the plumber pronounce "unionized"

OC. This is my take on the joke about how the chemist and the plumber pronounce "unionized"

The bartender asks the first one, “Would you like a beer?”

He says no.

The bartender asks the second one, “Would you like a beer?”

He says no.

The bartender asks the third one, “Would you like a beer?”

He says, “Probably not.”

He says no.

The bartender asks the second one, “Would you like a beer?”

He says no.

The bartender asks the third one, “Would you like a beer?”

He says, “Probably not.”

A biologist, statistician and a mathematician are watching a house. They see two people enter and three people leave.

Biologist: “We have just witnessed an example of reproduction.”

Statistician: “This falls within the statistical error.”

Mathematician: “If one more person enters the house...

Biologist: “We have just witnessed an example of reproduction.”

Statistician: “This falls within the statistical error.”

Mathematician: “If one more person enters the house...

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So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himse...

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Apparently he was cherry-picking his data.

They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.

The engineer rolls his eyes. ‘You forgot to account for wind. Giv...

The engineer rolls his eyes. ‘You forgot to account for wind. Giv...

The three of them are hunting for deer and manage to see one. The physicist attempts the shot by shooting directly at it.

He misses by 5 metres to the left.

Engineer: "you forgot to consider the wind resistance! Let me take a shot."

The Engineer takes a shot and missed by 5 metr...

He misses by 5 metres to the left.

Engineer: "you forgot to consider the wind resistance! Let me take a shot."

The Engineer takes a shot and missed by 5 metr...

And something completely different to Gaston

It's so meaningful.

Standard deviation wasn't enough for him.

Across the street they saw a man and a woman enter a building. 30 minutes later the man and the woman appears with a child.

The statistician said that this is clearly a case of faulty data. There is more information here than we have.

Nonsense, said the biologist. Clearly this is a sim...

The statistician said that this is clearly a case of faulty data. There is more information here than we have.

Nonsense, said the biologist. Clearly this is a sim...

... as they are walking through the woods, they spot a deer.

"This one is mine" said Physicists. He takes out a pencil and a notepad and does some ballistic calculations, but calculates them in vacuum. He picks up his rifle, aim, fires. The bullet overshoots by 5 yards.

"Give me that...

"This one is mine" said Physicists. He takes out a pencil and a notepad and does some ballistic calculations, but calculates them in vacuum. He picks up his rifle, aim, fires. The bullet overshoots by 5 yards.

"Give me that...

They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. T...

His friend asks him, "Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?"

"Irrational?" the statistician replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."

A few days later, the friend boarded a flight only to ...

"Irrational?" the statistician replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."

A few days later, the friend boarded a flight only to ...

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An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting. They see a massive buck, and the physicist gets to take the first shot.

The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calcu...

The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calcu...

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The first one pulls out his bow, and has a shot at the deer. The shot hit a tree one metre left of the deer. The second one has his shot, only he hits a tree one metre right of the deer.

The third one yells:

“We got him, we got him!”

The third one yells:

“We got him, we got him!”

A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane," he explained, "and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort. " Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane. "How come you ...

Probably.

When they arrive at the classroom, the professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! We ...

The physicist says, "We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! We ...

The interviewers first call in the physicist. "We have only one question," they tell him. "What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000."

The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statisticia...

The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statisticia...

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They get broken down by age and sex.

on average.

Your guess is as good as mine.

They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.

The statistician goes "Nice job guys...

The statistician goes "Nice job guys...

A precision.

Margarine of error.

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

Why do statisticians always go back to being cruel ?

Answer: reversion to the mean

Answer: reversion to the mean

”Look at that pervert. He doesn’t settle for just standard deviation.”

Because they know the n's always justify the means

Because they always want a large sample

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The average human has one breast and one testicle.

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After a long day of no luck, they are walking back dejectedly, rifles slung over their shoulders. Suddenly, they spot a deer in a clearing 150 feet away.

"I'll get him," the physicist says, doing some quick calculations and taking aim. BANG! The shot goes 10 feet long, but amazingly, the deer...

"I'll get him," the physicist says, doing some quick calculations and taking aim. BANG! The shot goes 10 feet long, but amazingly, the deer...

"What are my chances of getting on a plane that has a bomb on it?" to which the statistician replies, "very, very low". “But I fly a lot,” said the businessman. Then, said the statistician, “Take your own bomb with you. The odds against being on a plane with two bombs on it are 50 billion to one.”

The economist assumes no wind, and misses five feet to the left. He hands over the bow to the chaos theorist, who overestimates the effect of the wind, and misses five feet to the right. The statistician pumps his fist in the air and exclaims: "We got him!".

They all spot a deer, sitting out in the open, totally exposed. The mathematics professor loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the right. The shot shocks the deer and it freezes in place. The physicist then loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the left. The statistician c...

After a while they spot a deer. The doctor shoots first missing the shot by a meter to the left. The lawyer proceeds to shoot and misses the shot by a meter to the right.

That's when the statistician throws his gun to the ground, start jumping and cheers "Yaaaayy, we hit it!!!!"

That's when the statistician throws his gun to the ground, start jumping and cheers "Yaaaayy, we hit it!!!!"

A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated that the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was one in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.

One day, a colleague met him at a conference far from home. ...

One day, a colleague met him at a conference far from home. ...

When asked why he would do such a thing, he replied:

"To reduce the probability of a bomb being on the plane"

"To reduce the probability of a bomb being on the plane"

Because they're always plotting something.

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Biased.

I asked him, "I'm flying next week. Do you have any tips on how to lower my chances of being blown up by a bomb smuggled onboard by a terrorist?"

He chewed that one over for a while, then answered "Yes. Smuggle a bomb onboard yourself. I've never seen a case where two separate bombs were on t...

He chewed that one over for a while, then answered "Yes. Smuggle a bomb onboard yourself. I've never seen a case where two separate bombs were on t...

Converse

The physicist immediately starts to work on how much energy would have to be removed from the fire to stop the combustion.

The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation.

While they are doing this, the statistician is setting fires to all the other...

The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation.

While they are doing this, the statistician is setting fires to all the other...

About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.

A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would tak...

A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would tak...

Two statisticians are out hunting when one of them sees a duck. The first takes aim and shoots, but the bullet goes sailing pass 6in too high. The second statistician also takes aim and shoots, but this time the bullet goes sailing past 6in too low. The two statisticians then give one another high f...

The mathematician replies "Four, Mr President."

Unsatisfied, Reagan asks a statistician. "What is two plus two?"

The statistician says "Based on our research, most people think it's between 3.8 and 4.3."

Still unsatisfied, Reagan asks an economist: "What is two plus two?"

...

Unsatisfied, Reagan asks a statistician. "What is two plus two?"

The statistician says "Based on our research, most people think it's between 3.8 and 4.3."

Still unsatisfied, Reagan asks an economist: "What is two plus two?"

...

95% of the time I don't know what they mean.

They watch two people walk in. A couple hours later, they watch three people walk out.

The statistician considers the problem for a moment, then thinks to himself: "Oh, we must have miscounted."

The biologist, naturally, goes through a similar moment of introspection before deciding, "...

The statistician considers the problem for a moment, then thinks to himself: "Oh, we must have miscounted."

The biologist, naturally, goes through a similar moment of introspection before deciding, "...

He must be pretty well-respected there, people are always asking for his auto graph.

A pupulation

Median rare.

Tztatisiki

He explains, "The chances that there is one bomb on a plane is 1/1000. The chance there are two bombs on a plane, is 1/1,000,000. Therefore we are much safer."

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"I heard you suck a mean cock"

Poisson Distribution

the probability of there being two bombs on a plane is much lower

A Statistician, a Physicist, a Mathematician are stuck inside of a demolished building.

They find 3 cans of canned beans to survive for the day. They soon realize that they don't have a can opener to open the cans.

In a hurry, the Statistician continuously hits the can on the wall to b...

They find 3 cans of canned beans to survive for the day. They soon realize that they don't have a can opener to open the cans.

In a hurry, the Statistician continuously hits the can on the wall to b...

but her deviations were anything but standard.

They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist says, "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a white zebra! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"

The statistician explains, "It's not significant. We ...

The biologist says, "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a white zebra! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"

The statistician explains, "It's not significant. We ...

And said, "On the average, I feel comfortable".

and ranks all the girls based on their looks. He approaches one of them and says,

"I just surveyed all the women in here and you're the most average one here.

"Wow, you're mean!"

"No, you are!"

"I just surveyed all the women in here and you're the most average one here.

"Wow, you're mean!"

"No, you are!"

She said probably not.

What are the chances of that?

"That's totally random"

She failed to reject me.

Be thankful you have more hands than average.

On the average, he was quite comfortable.

Histogram

It was called "Pi A LA Mode".

Back in the 1970s he travelled a lot for his work. This was during the time when hijackings, bombings and stuff like that weren’t too uncommon.

Being a statistician, he sat down one day and calculated the odds that a bomb would be on a plane that he was on. Turns out, he didn’t like the odd...

Being a statistician, he sat down one day and calculated the odds that a bomb would be on a plane that he was on. Turns out, he didn’t like the odd...

What is 2 + 2? The boy is instructed to go home and find out the answer.

On his way home he encounters an accountant. The boy asks the accountant. What is 2+2?

The accountant replies, “If you have exactly 2 and add exactly 2, you get exactly 4.”

The boy moves on and encounters...

On his way home he encounters an accountant. The boy asks the accountant. What is 2+2?

The accountant replies, “If you have exactly 2 and add exactly 2, you get exactly 4.”

The boy moves on and encounters...

So on average, they felt fine.

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An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician all die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the pearly gate St. Peter stops them and says before you pass through I have a simple question for each of you.

He turns to the engineer and asks, "What's 2 + 2"?

The engineer pulls out his slide rule...

When they arrive at the pearly gate St. Peter stops them and says before you pass through I have a simple question for each of you.

He turns to the engineer and asks, "What's 2 + 2"?

The engineer pulls out his slide rule...

they are out all day long when finally they spot a 5 point buck. They simultaneously crouch down silently, take aim, and shoot. The first statistician fires 20 feet to the left of the deer. The second statistician fires 20 feet to the right of the deer. In unison, they both shout out "got it"!**... **

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A margarine of error!

As they wait in their blind a big buck walks up. The engineer stands up, takes a shot, and misses. "Darn," he says, "two yards to the left."

The carpenter takes a shot and misses. "darn, two yards to the right," he says.

The statistician jumps up and yells "YES! We got him!"

The carpenter takes a shot and misses. "darn, two yards to the right," he says.

The statistician jumps up and yells "YES! We got him!"

Lawyer: who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it ba...

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it ba...

Discreet uniform distribution

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

- "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you'r...

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

- "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you'r...

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