So I asked them why and they told me, statistically speaking, most of what you say is boring.

The first dart veers wildly to the left. The second dart veers wildly to the right. The statistician exclaims, "bullseye!"

Probably

That's mean

The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reac...

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reac...

A biologist, statistician and a mathematician are watching a house. They see two people enter and three people leave.

Biologist: “We have just witnessed an example of reproduction.”

Statistician: “This falls within the statistical error.”

Mathematician: “If one more person enters the house...

Biologist: “We have just witnessed an example of reproduction.”

Statistician: “This falls within the statistical error.”

Mathematician: “If one more person enters the house...

**Guy**: You're the most average girl out here.

**Girl**: Hey, you're mean!

**Guy**: No, you are.

**Girl**: Hey, you're mean!

**Guy**: No, you are.

They come upon a deer and the physicist takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist then takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician declares, "We got him!!"

Hₒ Hₒ Hₒ

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Get them to pronounce "analyzed".

OC. This is my take on the joke about how the chemist and the plumber pronounce "unionized"

OC. This is my take on the joke about how the chemist and the plumber pronounce "unionized"

The bartender asks the first one, “Would you like a beer?”

He says no.

The bartender asks the second one, “Would you like a beer?”

He says no.

The bartender asks the third one, “Would you like a beer?”

He says, “Probably not.”

He says no.

The bartender asks the second one, “Would you like a beer?”

He says no.

The bartender asks the third one, “Would you like a beer?”

He says, “Probably not.”

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Apparently he was cherry-picking his data.

It's so meaningful.

The three of them are hunting for deer and manage to see one. The physicist attempts the shot by shooting directly at it.

He misses by 5 metres to the left.

Engineer: "you forgot to consider the wind resistance! Let me take a shot."

The Engineer takes a shot and missed by 5 metr...

He misses by 5 metres to the left.

Engineer: "you forgot to consider the wind resistance! Let me take a shot."

The Engineer takes a shot and missed by 5 metr...

Standard deviation wasn't enough for him.

They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.

The engineer rolls his eyes. ‘You forgot to account for wind. Giv...

The engineer rolls his eyes. ‘You forgot to account for wind. Giv...

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So an engineer, a physicist, and a statistician are all sleeping in a hotel room when suddenly an outlet catches fire. The engineer wakes up first and says to himself "this is an electrical fire, water won't work!" And runs to grab a fire extinguisher. The physicist wakes up next and thinks to himse...

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An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting. They see a massive buck, and the physicist gets to take the first shot.

The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calcu...

The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calcu...

Across the street they saw a man and a woman enter a building. 30 minutes later the man and the woman appears with a child.

The statistician said that this is clearly a case of faulty data. There is more information here than we have.

Nonsense, said the biologist. Clearly this is a sim...

The statistician said that this is clearly a case of faulty data. There is more information here than we have.

Nonsense, said the biologist. Clearly this is a sim...

And something completely different to Gaston

... as they are walking through the woods, they spot a deer.

"This one is mine" said Physicists. He takes out a pencil and a notepad and does some ballistic calculations, but calculates them in vacuum. He picks up his rifle, aim, fires. The bullet overshoots by 5 yards.

"Give me that...

"This one is mine" said Physicists. He takes out a pencil and a notepad and does some ballistic calculations, but calculates them in vacuum. He picks up his rifle, aim, fires. The bullet overshoots by 5 yards.

"Give me that...

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The first one pulls out his bow, and has a shot at the deer. The shot hit a tree one metre left of the deer. The second one has his shot, only he hits a tree one metre right of the deer.

The third one yells:

“We got him, we got him!”

The third one yells:

“We got him, we got him!”

His friend asks him, "Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?"

"Irrational?" the statistician replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."

A few days later, the friend boarded a flight only to ...

"Irrational?" the statistician replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."

A few days later, the friend boarded a flight only to ...

They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. T...

What is 2 + 2? The boy is instructed to go home and find out the answer.

On his way home he encounters an accountant. The boy asks the accountant. What is 2+2?

The accountant replies, “If you have exactly 2 and add exactly 2, you get exactly 4.”

The boy moves on and encounters...

On his way home he encounters an accountant. The boy asks the accountant. What is 2+2?

The accountant replies, “If you have exactly 2 and add exactly 2, you get exactly 4.”

The boy moves on and encounters...

A precision.

on average.

Why do statisticians always go back to being cruel ?

Answer: reversion to the mean

Answer: reversion to the mean

Lawyer: who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it ba...

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it ba...

As they wait in their blind a big buck walks up. The engineer stands up, takes a shot, and misses. "Darn," he says, "two yards to the left."

The carpenter takes a shot and misses. "darn, two yards to the right," he says.

The statistician jumps up and yells "YES! We got him!"

The carpenter takes a shot and misses. "darn, two yards to the right," he says.

The statistician jumps up and yells "YES! We got him!"

A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane," he explained, "and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort. " Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane. "How come you ...

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They get broken down by age and sex.

”Look at that pervert. He doesn’t settle for just standard deviation.”

Margarine of error.

Your guess is as good as mine.

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

Probably.

When they arrive at the classroom, the professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! We ...

The physicist says, "We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! We ...

They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.

The statistician goes "Nice job guys...

The statistician goes "Nice job guys...

The interviewers first call in the physicist. "We have only one question," they tell him. "What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000."

The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statisticia...

The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statisticia...

Because they always want a large sample

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

The average human has one breast and one testicle.

Because they know the n's always justify the means

They all spot a deer, sitting out in the open, totally exposed. The mathematics professor loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the right. The shot shocks the deer and it freezes in place. The physicist then loads his rifle, shoots, and misses by 5 inches to the left. The statistician c...

Converse

He had a very average salary

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

After a long day of no luck, they are walking back dejectedly, rifles slung over their shoulders. Suddenly, they spot a deer in a clearing 150 feet away.

"I'll get him," the physicist says, doing some quick calculations and taking aim. BANG! The shot goes 10 feet long, but amazingly, the deer...

"I'll get him," the physicist says, doing some quick calculations and taking aim. BANG! The shot goes 10 feet long, but amazingly, the deer...

After a while they spot a deer. The doctor shoots first missing the shot by a meter to the left. The lawyer proceeds to shoot and misses the shot by a meter to the right.

That's when the statistician throws his gun to the ground, start jumping and cheers "Yaaaayy, we hit it!!!!"

That's when the statistician throws his gun to the ground, start jumping and cheers "Yaaaayy, we hit it!!!!"

"What are my chances of getting on a plane that has a bomb on it?" to which the statistician replies, "very, very low". “But I fly a lot,” said the businessman. Then, said the statistician, “Take your own bomb with you. The odds against being on a plane with two bombs on it are 50 billion to one.”

I asked him, "I'm flying next week. Do you have any tips on how to lower my chances of being blown up by a bomb smuggled onboard by a terrorist?"

He chewed that one over for a while, then answered "Yes. Smuggle a bomb onboard yourself. I've never seen a case where two separate bombs were on t...

He chewed that one over for a while, then answered "Yes. Smuggle a bomb onboard yourself. I've never seen a case where two separate bombs were on t...

Because they're always plotting something.

The economist assumes no wind, and misses five feet to the left. He hands over the bow to the chaos theorist, who overestimates the effect of the wind, and misses five feet to the right. The statistician pumps his fist in the air and exclaims: "We got him!".

A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated that the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was one in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.

One day, a colleague met him at a conference far from home. ...

One day, a colleague met him at a conference far from home. ...

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Biased.

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

- "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you'r...

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

- "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you'r...

The physicist immediately starts to work on how much energy would have to be removed from the fire to stop the combustion.

The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation.

While they are doing this, the statistician is setting fires to all the other...

The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation.

While they are doing this, the statistician is setting fires to all the other...

95% of the time I don't know what they mean.

About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.

A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would tak...

A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would tak...

A pupulation

They watch two people walk in. A couple hours later, they watch three people walk out.

The statistician considers the problem for a moment, then thinks to himself: "Oh, we must have miscounted."

The biologist, naturally, goes through a similar moment of introspection before deciding, "...

The statistician considers the problem for a moment, then thinks to himself: "Oh, we must have miscounted."

The biologist, naturally, goes through a similar moment of introspection before deciding, "...

Median rare.

Tztatisiki

He must be pretty well-respected there, people are always asking for his auto graph.

He explains, "The chances that there is one bomb on a plane is 1/1000. The chance there are two bombs on a plane, is 1/1,000,000. Therefore we are much safer."

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

"I heard you suck a mean cock"

the probability of there being two bombs on a plane is much lower

and ranks all the girls based on their looks. He approaches one of them and says,

"I just surveyed all the women in here and you're the most average one here.

"Wow, you're mean!"

"No, you are!"

"I just surveyed all the women in here and you're the most average one here.

"Wow, you're mean!"

"No, you are!"

Poisson Distribution

They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist says, "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a white zebra! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"

The statistician explains, "It's not significant. We ...

The biologist says, "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a white zebra! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"

The statistician explains, "It's not significant. We ...

but her deviations were anything but standard.

A Statistician, a Physicist, a Mathematician are stuck inside of a demolished building.

They find 3 cans of canned beans to survive for the day. They soon realize that they don't have a can opener to open the cans.

In a hurry, the Statistician continuously hits the can on the wall to b...

They find 3 cans of canned beans to survive for the day. They soon realize that they don't have a can opener to open the cans.

In a hurry, the Statistician continuously hits the can on the wall to b...

She said probably not.

He now has zero degrees of freedom.

"That's totally random"

What are the chances of that?

She failed to reject me.

Be thankful you have more hands than average.

On the average, he was quite comfortable.

It was called "Pi A LA Mode".

Histogram

Two statisticians are out hunting when one of them sees a duck. The first takes aim and shoots, but the bullet goes sailing past six inches too high. The second statistician also takes aim and shoots, but this time the bullet goes sailing past six inches too low. The two statisticians then give one ...

So on average, they felt fine.

The first one tees off, and the ball lands 10 feet to the left of the hole. The second one tees off, and the ball lands 10 feet to the right of the hole. Then they high-five each other because, on average, they both got a hole-in-one.

Discreet uniform distribution

This joke *may* contain profanity. 🤔

A margarine of error!

He is afraid of someone bombing the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn’t worry about it.

He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so lo...

He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so lo...

But no one ever talks about his family.

His brother, the revolutionary vegetarian activist, Brocco Lee.

His cousin, the hesitant statistician, Probab Lee.

His uncle, the trustworthy politician, Honest Lee.

And of course, the Spanish inquisitor, Juan "Expected" Lee.

His brother, the revolutionary vegetarian activist, Brocco Lee.

His cousin, the hesitant statistician, Probab Lee.

His uncle, the trustworthy politician, Honest Lee.

And of course, the Spanish inquisitor, Juan "Expected" Lee.

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