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Smuggling Jokes

The smuggling priest (probably repost)

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; a...

A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.

The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You...

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are caught smuggling alcohol into Saudi Arabia

As it's a "dry" country, the men are brought before a judge.

Judge: "Under normal circumstances, the penalty for smuggling is death. However, it's a national holiday and I'm feeling generous, so you'll each receive 20 lashings."

As he says this, his wife approaches the judge and whispe...

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

Did you hear about the bandits smuggling feminine hygiene products down the river?

They're a real bunch of douche canoes.

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.

Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see if what's in the book is actually true. At night he climbed over a wall to get into the zoo – and found himself right in the lion enclosure! He mana...

Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them ou...

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

What do you call a secret underground Soy Sauce smuggling ring??

A ponzu scheme!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy smuggling olive

The cops caught a guy smuggling 2 jars of a very expensive olive, so as a punishment they made him put every olive in his ass. He gladly did and was laughing while putting them in his ass.

- Why you're laughing? Asked a cop.

- The guy answered: My friend after me is smuggling a contain...

got arrested for smuggling books into kentucky

got off on a technicality, no one there could *prove* they were books

Smuggling done right

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to the two sacks the man had on his shoulders."What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand ," said the cyclist.
"Get them off;we'll take a look ,"said the guard.
The cyclist did as he was told,empt...

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. <...

A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.

The whole event was pretty terrible.

It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

A man tries to smuggle cocaine under his wig.

While he is walking through the airport, he trips and the wig falls of. He puts it back one quickly, but a guard notices the drugs and arrests him.

When he gets home that night, his wife asks him, "anything interesting happen today love"?. He says yeah we caught a cocaine bigwig today. He wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got caught smuggling insects

I was anxious. My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.

What did Gene Wilder name his drug smuggling operation?

Charlie Up The Chocolate Factory

Polish biker

During the times of the cold war and the iron curtain, a Pole with a bike and a bag full of sand was crossing the border to east Germany. At the border control point the guard said:

\-Sir we need to search your bag for any smuggled goods.

They went through the bag and found nothing but...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Egyptian joke my uncle told me.

At a border between two cities, a police officer sits in his hut, managing the border.

One day, a man comes riding on a bicycle with two bags. The police officer looks through the bag to find only sand. He gives the man on the bicycle a weird look, but tells him to pass. After all, it's only ...

I got caught smuggling a gun to the furry convention

Security guard : *(notices bulge)* OwO what's this?!!

My lady friend was thinking of smuggling some Mexican Romaine into the US due to the outbreak.

It's not a terrible idea, but I'm afraid that if she's caught they'll have to Caesar at the border.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried smuggling child porn across the border once....

and i would've gotten away with it if it weren't for those fucking kids!

Airport security agents do a great job preventing people smuggling bombs on their heads...

You've got to take your hat off to them.

The police arrested a pilot and a customs agent for running a smuggling ring

They thought they were being careful. But after being shown the evidence, complete with fingerprints, they confessed.



Pilot: "How'd you catch us anyway?"



Detective: "Everything was hidden in plane site."

At the border, a man drives up on his bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack.

Customs officer: "Do you have something to declare?"

Man: "No."

Customs officer: "And what do you have in the sack?"

Man: "Sand."

During the check it turns out: actually sand.

Every day for a whole week the man comes with the bike and the sack on the luggage rack. ...

A criminal sets up a small souvenir shop in Australia selling glass Kangaroos as a front for his drug smuggling business

The detective working the case walks in and says
"I can see straight through your roos mate"

I asked my lawyer friend how he keeps smuggling snacks into the courtroom during trial...

...He said, "Easy, I just keep them in my briefs."

A Frenchman, A German and An Englishman are caught smuggling booze in Saudi Arabia!

They are all ordered to be whipped and will receive 30 whips each,
they ask the Frenchman what he would like on his back while he is whipped and he replies " A cushion" . After about 15 whips the cushion comes apart and the Frenchman is left screaming with a red back.
Then they as the German ...

The Irish Smuggler

There was a man who would cycle across the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland every single day without fail carrying nothing but the clothes on his back.
The border guards stopped him every day, patted him down, searched his bike, deep thorough searches and never found ...

My mom caught me lying about smuggling Tide pods out of the house instead of doing the laundry

So I had to come clean

Redneck husband and wife are smuggling a couple skunks across the border.

As they approach the border checkpoint the wife panics..."what do I do with these?!" she exclaims while frantically fumbling the skunks
"Quick now Mary Ann, hide them under your skirt!" said the red-neck husband in between his beer chug.
"Now, now whattabout the gadaym stink?!" says Mary Ann.....

A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...

He had a sack of sand in his hand.

"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer

"Just sand," said the kid.

The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took...

My grandfather gave me the Luger pistol he took from a German soldier he shot

I had no idea that at his advanced age, he was shooting people in foreign countries and smuggling weapons.

A man lives in a border town between the US and Canada

He lives on the Canadian side, but works in construction on the US side. Every morning, he walks over to the American side, and every evening, he comes back over to the Canadian side with a wheelbarrow full of sand. And, every day without fail, the Canadian Customs officers check him for any contrab...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

Back in Soviet Russia...

...there was a man working at a Siberian coal mine. Every Friday he would take a wheelbarrow full of dirt home. Every time he did this the security guard would stop him, make him dump out the dirt and sift through it searching for coal or other stolen valuables. The security guard always found nothi...

Kevin went to Canada for cheaper insulin.

Kevin got arrested for smuggling drugs.

Motorcycle

An old man would enter the United States from Canada on a motorcycle every day.

The border police found it strange and stopped the man one day and asked:

"What's in the bag that you carry on your back every day?"

The old man said it was sand! The police don't believe it! ?
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman is talking with an American at a Music Festival

Irishman: I tell ya man it sucks that we're not allowed to bring our own beer into this festival. All of the beer here is so goddamn overpriced.

American: I know what you mean my friend, so in this case I'll help you out.

*The American pulls out a pair of binoculars and un caps the len...

Not mine found it somewhere

A master smuggler bragged to border control that he was about to start smuggling but they wouldn't be able to catch him.
Soon, he crosses the border on a donkey.
The guards diligently and thoroughly search him and the donkey, but come up empty.
The smuggler smiles and passes.
The...

At a border checkpoint...

A man gets to a border checkpoint, and is stopped. The officer asks him some standard questions, looks at his ID, and then requests to take a quick look in his car.

The officer is extremely confused when he finds sawdust in the trunk, and thinks he must be hiding something in the sawdust. He...

A tall Mexican is riding his bike across the border when stopped by border patrol...

The officer stopped him asked him a few questions.

Officer: Are you smuggling anything into the country?

Tall Mexican: Ches.

The officer searched him and did not find any cheese. After a few more questions the tall Mexican was bussed back to Mexico.

The next week the s...

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars...

Naturally, he got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand. He had the sand analyzed at the lab and looked at the sack under a microscope he could never find anything wron...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A border custom officer saw a suspicious truck at the check post.

The officer immediately asked the Truck driver to bring the truck aside for a complete check up.

"Are you smuggling something?" asked the officer to the truck driver. "It would be wise if you told me before we found something."

"Nope," said the truck driver casually. And he was right. ...

An FBI statistician gave me some advice

I asked him, "I'm flying next week. Do you have any tips on how to lower my chances of being blown up by a bomb smuggled onboard by a terrorist?"

He chewed that one over for a while, then answered "Yes. Smuggle a bomb onboard yourself. I've never seen a case where two separate bombs were on t...

The clever smuggler

At a border between 2 countries, the Customs Officer stops a man. He's riding a bike and holding a huge sack.
The officer asks "What's in the sack?"
The man replies "Just some mud."
The officer checks. Sure enough- mud.
He's very suspicious, but has no choice, and lets him go.
Next d...

Guy crosses the border on a bicycle with two bags over his shoulder

The guard stops him and asks:
"What's in the bags?"
"Nothing but sand sir"
So he examines the bags and indeed nothing but sand.
"Ok you're clear move on"
Two weeks later, same thing.
So this guy goes on for months, every two weeks same bags, same sand and they find nothing and i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Mexican on his bicycle crosses the border with a large sack.

The border patrol agent stops and asks him what’s in the sack. “Sir, it’s just grass.” The agent looks into the sack and lets him pass. The following week, the Mexican crosses the border again on his bicycle with another sack and the border patrol agent stops and asks him what’s in the sack. “Sir, i...

Three KGB inspectors decide visit a Siberian prison

They decide to check on three young prisioners who started working recently but were put in prison, and ask them some questions.

The first inspector asks the first prisoner:"How did you get in here?

He answers:"For the past week my clock would wake me up early so I came into work early...

A guy was riding his bike across the border with a bag

The border police waves him aside and ask what it’s in the bag. He answered „sand“ and after the police looked into it they confirmed it’s really sand and let him pass

The next day the guy wanted to cross the border again with a bag full of sand. The police were skeptical but they haven’t fo...

A man and a woman are driving down a road when a cop pulls them over

The cop asks the man(who is in the drivers seat)

"Do you know why I pulled you over"

The man replies " Is it because we are smuggling illicit drugs across the border,ran over 2 people and are speeding?"

The cop looks surprised because he only saw them speeding, he starts pu...

Border patrol stops a man on a bike

One day a bicycle rider stops at a border control.

On top of the man’s bike are two bags of powder like substances.

The border control Police demand that he open the bags so they can see what’s inside. When the man did cut the bags open, inside was nothing but sand.

The border c...

On a border patrol agent’s first day on the job...

...he’s checking people coming in and out of Mexico. At one point, a guy pulls up on a bicycle, and is wearing a large backpack.

“Aha!” says the agent to himself. “I’ve caught my first smuggler!”

He stops the guy and searches his backpack. He’s astounded to find nothing but rocks. The ...

Jim the security Guard is working at the Mexican/American border, and stops a car at a checkpoint.

The driver shows the guard his license, visa, and passport, but is clearly nervous and is sweating bullets. Jim pops the trunk open to reveal four large bags. He opens them, only to reveal that each and everyone of them is filled with dirt.



One week later, Jim stops the same driver. O...

An experienced customs officer is having a shift on the border

At some point he sees a man pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat. He stops him at the border.

"What do you have in this sack?"

"Sand."

"Well let me check."

The officer opens up the bag and indeed it's full of sand. He searches it throughly, but there's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the Custom

There is this young boy living in the border of Venezuela. He is a well known trouble maker and he is well known with the police and the custom officers.

One day, the boy is crossing from Colombia to Venezuela on a bicycle with 2 bags of sand at the back.

The custom guard know this boy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The young sailor

A young sailor prepares for his first deployment as sea. As this is his first deployment the captain calls him into his quarters to ask the man if he is ready for a life at sea, surrounded by seamen, and away from women. The sailor thinks for awhile and replies "Well Captain, I'd be a lying scally...

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