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NSFW. I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I did what any husband would do.

Took a rolled up newspaper and smacked him on the nose saying, "Bad dog! Very Bad dog!"

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Did you hear about the guy who smacked Dwayne Johnson on his butt cheeks?

He hit Rock bottom

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Love Story



An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself

from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his ...

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

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I smacked my wifes butt and she got upset and said “Im trying to do the dishes!”

I yelled back “Im trying to do the dishwasher!”

I used to believe that sticks and stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me.

But then I got smacked with a dictionary.

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

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"My boss said he smacked his wife in the face with a parsnip."

My girlfriend said, "That's fucking disgusting."

I said, "Yea, I was always more of a carrot man."

A baker was smacked lightly with a baguette by his coworker.

He felt a small pain.

My car is so fast that it smacked into a bug and killed it...

While I was parallel parking.

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Best Golfer in the World

After a long week of work, Frank grabs his clubs and heads to the golf course for some needed R&R. After a few holes Frank catches up to a man and a gorilla standing on the par 5. Frank finds this odd, but strolls up and sets his ball up to tee off. The man with the gorilla looks at Frank and sa...

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A cowboy appears before St. Peter...

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman...

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar.

The barman, after serving him, asks "how did ya get the black eye?" He says "I was in church last Sunday and the lady in front of me had her dress stuck in the crack of her bum. So I thought I'd do the christian thing, reached forward and grabbed the hem of her dress and plucked it out. She turned a...

(Long) Did you hit your wife?

So I have heard you hit your wife, is that true?

**Before I marry her she was hungery and poor all the time. She now livea a much better life**

I was asking if you hit her.

**The whole community acknowdges the improvement of our household**

I didn’t ask that, I was asking...

Guess!

Little Johnny comes to school sporting a big black eye. Ms. Taylor asks him how he got hurt, Johnny tells her “I was walking down the street and bumped into a lady who smacked me”.
Ms. Taylor “ That’s odd... what did you do?”
Johnny : “Nothing! She was wearing a Guess tank top so I said 32C”

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."

The next morning...

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My son got suspended for defending himself against a bully

So I went to the school to see why that happened...

“It’s against our policy to hit other students.” Says the principal.

“So you’re telling me that anyone in your school who feels threaten in a situation shouldn’t even fight back?” I say

“Yes”

So I did what any rational ...

A couple and their two sons are watching TV

She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few min...

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Joke from my southern grandmother

I haven’t seen this one on here before, but maybe I’ve just missed it. Here goes:

Back yonder in the olden days, little Johnny would have to walk to the school house for class. As with many young children, Johnny was very imaginative and would play pretend with sticks and branches, sword figh...

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A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

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An old married couple were sitting on the porch enjoying the sunset.

The old woman suddenly turned to her husband and smacked him across his face.

The old man was shocked. "Now why the hell you'd do that for, Ethel?"

"That was for forty years of bad sex," she said smugly.


A couple minutes passed and then the old man turned to his wife and sla...

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I heard that pigs can orgasm for 30 minutes

I asked the first cop I saw for a demonstration but he just smacked me with his baton.

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Dog Years Are Bullshit

Dog years are bullshit. My dogs 10 and she still chases tennis balls when I throw them. When my grandma was 70 and I threw a tennis ball and told her to get it she smacked me in the head and walked away muttering.

My exgirlfriend was the worst

She was bulimic and whenever she ate she always smacked her lips and chewed really loudly.

I was like, "Keep it down!"

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Buttocks

Dad takes his 4 and 6 year old for lunch.
Waitress asks the 6 year old, "what will ya' have, sugah?"
6 year old replies, "I'll have a god damn hamburger".

Just like that the kid is smacked by his daddy almost knocking him off his seat.

Waitress <gasping> now asks the 4 ...

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A story about kinks and boobs

I started dating this girl with a really weird fetish -- she's got a very nice pair of knockers, and she loves having it smacked loudly. She really gets off from the pain and from the really loud POP sound that the slap of skin-on-skin can make. Recently, she's been getting more kinky about it, and ...

A Mexican lying on his death bed

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the fl...

On his deathbed, the old man ...

... could smell his wife's fresh chocolate chip cookies from the kitchen. He decided to venture out of bed for one last bite of his favourite cookie before he died. He toppled out of bed and dragged himself to the stairs and managed to make his way down to the kitchen. Sure enough, there was a batch...

A man is playing golf one day...

And while he’s at a hole he hears “fooooorrrrr” before he’s smacked in the “business” with an errant golf ball.

He heads to the doctors and asks “how can you help me doc, My fiance and I have been saving ourselves for marriage and the wedding is 2 weeks out.”

“Hmmm. Typically your prob...

[OC] My mother has been tracking this mosquito for a while...

When it finally landed, she smacked it and exclaimed, “HA!


GOTCHA YOU MOTHERSUCKER!”

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