The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Three men were at the gates of heaven, but there was only room for one person. St Peter asked each of them how they died, and the best story got through.



Man 1: I was adamant my wife was cheating. I came up to my apartment on the 24th floor and walked in, only to find my wife by herself. I was pleasantly surprised until I saw a man hanging off the edge of the balcony by just his fingers. I went over to him with a hammer and hit his hands unti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

I have just found there's gonna be that one person with me in any moment

And it's me

Anyone who thinks "one person can't change the world"...

...has never eaten an undercooked bat.

Why serial killers only kill one person at a time

Coz if they killed more they would be parallel killers.

The Avengers: Endgame trailer has 14 million views from just one person

Dr. Strange

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst part of being a self-employed, one person work from home business?

The constant sexual harassment, from the boss, while you're just trying to get work done.

Due to Covid, only one person is allowed in the bathroom at a time.

Unfortunately, this means a lot less people get to hear how impressively strong my urine stream is.

Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would it be

Easy.

Harvey Weinstein. Dead.

How do crabs move from one person to the next?

They use pubic transport

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If having sex with two people is a threesome & having sex with one person is a twosome...

...you now know why people call you **handsome**

"Name one person that could beat Captain America"

Captain Vietnam

A man experiencing a split personality went to the psychiatrist. One personality swore he was a teepee and the other swore he was a wigwam.

The psychiatrist replied, "You're just too tense"

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

One person says, "do you want to hear a joke about sodium?"

The other person says, "Na".

Who's the one person Medusa cannot turn to stone?

Dwayne Johnson

I saw people putting notes at the bottom of a telephone pole. I asked them what they were doing and one person said:

"We are putting comments under this post."

One person asks his friend: what’s the fastest way to get from one side of a railroad to the other?

One person asks his friend: what’s the fastest way to get from one side of a railroad to the other?

His friend replies: i don’t know, but whatever it is you’ll either beat the train or be dead wrong

Just learned the Catholic Church is okay with one person marrying two different people!

Priests do it all the time

If you could bring one person to a deserted island who would it be?

I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump

There was a car accident involving a funeral procession, yesterday. One person dead.

Luckily it was a fender-bender and no one was hurt.

I wrote a few jokes for reddit and there is always one person who consistently likes my jokes - I just wish I could see who that one person is so I could look him in the eye and say:

Thanks for all your support!!!

but unfortunately when I write my terrible dad jokes I can never look myself in the eyes

My wife “There’s only one person I know more manly than you.”

Me: “Who?”

My Wife: “Your mom.”

If I could nominate just one person to NEVER be my bartender, it would be Eminem

He insists 'you only get one shot'.

Like I'm gonna get drunk off of one shot.. pffft

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say one person in every group of friends is gay.

I really hope it's Ben because my crush has been staring at that little fucker for a while now

They say in a group of friends, there's always one person who's probably a psychopathic killer.

There's no group now... I couldn't take that chance.

If a sign says "No Trespassing" bring only one person along.

Then it's dospassing.

There’s always that one person who goes from church to church living off the congregation.

Normally, we call that person the Pastor

If you steal ideas from only one person, it is called plagiarism.

If you steal from many people, it is called research.

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.

That means one person enjoys it

"Honey, be careful while driving on the highway" I told my wife on call...

"The news says that a there's a person speeding on the wrong side of the highway"


"One person!?" She replied, incredulously,


"These idiots are in hundreds"

Old Fridge

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people wer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The plastic surgeon

A plastic surgeon walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been wondering... Can you successfully transfer a skin graft off one person's butt to another person who isn't related to the donor?" the bartender asks. "Ass skin for a friend."

I once had a relationship with a blind woman

It was very rewarding but also quite challenging.

It took me *ages* to get her husband's voice right.

Artist: “How are my paintings selling?”

Gallery owner: “When I explained how the value would greatly increase after your death, very well! One person bought 15 paintings!”

Artist: "Oh! That’s amazing! Who bought them?”

Gallery owner: “Your doctor.”

A very wealthy man on his deathbed

Called his lawyer. He told him to give all he had, down to the last dollar to his wife. But he had one condition, that his wife must remarry within 30 days. "Why? ", asked the lawyer. The man told him, "There should be atleast one person that regrets I died".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two firms had a row competition

A Japanese and a Finnish company decided to have 2km row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and Japanese won by 1km.
Finnish companys leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis the leadership showed its value: They wanted to have new compet...

Teacher: Please provide the ethical definition of copying.

Student:

From one person it's cheating.

From many people it's research.

Two families try to cheat a train ticket fee

Two families were on a trip together. They both would be taking the train, and one family bought a ticket for every member. But the father of the other family said, "Hey, you wasted money. Watch us."

That father bought only one ticket. Then he and his family boarded the train. When a PA...

A Man Works as a Train Conductor

He isn’t the best at his job. He likes to go very fast, and is very reckless. One day, he goes too fast off a bend, and kills one person.

He is sentenced to death by the electric chair, and is offered a last meal. He requests one banana.

He is sat down in the chair. The executioner fli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist.

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting on a Starbucks patio across from an abandoned building when a car pulls up, and two people get out and enter the building.

A few minutes go by, three people exit the building, get into the car and drive off.

"Hmm," says the physi...

8-year-old Arthur went to his father to ask him something.

- Dad, what’s the name of that thing where one person lies on top of another?
Arthur’s father was shocked with the question, but he decided to tell him:
- My son, I don’t know how I should explain this to you. It’s called se—
- Wait, dad, I’ve remembered it! It’s a bunk bed!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Americans and The Japanese

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced rowing hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that th...

A group of old friends met at a resort for their annual vacation.

They had a long-standing tradition of sharing jokes with each other. They’d been doing this so long that they just assigned numbers to the jokes to make it easier to tell them.

Someone would shout out “24” or “13” and everyone would laugh.

This went on for a long and then one person y...

Can we come up with a brand new, never ending joke.

So let’s say one person initiates the joke by coming up with a line, the next person either continues the set up or has a punchline but the punchline must also be able to set up the next persons line, etc etc etc, can it be done? Will it be consistently funny? I think I’ve made sense but I’m not gre...

In the 1950's a group of friends decided to test a blind man to see if he could tell the denomination of bills.

They started passing one dollar bills to the blind man and he could tell that they were one dollar bills.

Then someone gave him a five, which he knew immediately was a five dollar bill.

Then they handed him a ten, and he still knew what it was.

Then they alternated the one, five...

If you make 10 drawings, you’re not an artist

And if you cook 10 meals, you’re not a chef

But if you kill ONE person...

A man once wanted to sell his horse for 1000$.

He went door to door to ask people if they would buy his horse. Only one person named George was willing to but it, but for only 500$. The man went home in despair. The next week, his horse died. He then went to George and said, "Alright, gimme 500$ and you'll find your horse at the field". He took ...

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

Once upon a time, there was a train driver.

He liked to drive his train very fast. One day, he got into a train crash, killing one person.

He goes to death row, and for his final meal he eats one banana.

They strap him up to the electric chair, smoke fills the room as he's zapped... but he's completely fine. The executioners dec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A music teacher walks into a bar

As he is very upset he sees only one person sitting at the bar, who is actually a student of his.

He asks angry: "Are you the little shit who keyed music notes on my car?!"

The student says: "Yes, but why are you so mad? The damage appears to B minor."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.