Jeff Bezos is getting divorced

He must have realised that marriage counted as a union

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole

Fair enough it was her sister's but still...

Why did the cat get divorced?

He was a cheetah.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

Why I'm divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’

I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will reme...

Why I got divorced

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" and I felt really special....

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father on his way home suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesperson, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shoppi...

If you get divorced in Alabama...

Are you still considered brother and sister?

My wife went to the doctors and now we’re getting divorced.

Doc told her she can’t have anything with alcohol in it.

Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?

Because they're bitter.

Jeff Bezos divorced his wife after 25 years of marriage...

I guess she's past her prime.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you know you got divorced?

Your sex life stays the same, and your dishes pile up.

If a husband and wife that both voted for Trump get divorced...

Are they still considered cousins?

(heard this at the family Thanksgiving get together today, my apologies if it's not new.. And apologies to Trump fans if it's offensive to you, I thought it was funny)

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off...

A dentist and a manicurist decided to get divorced...

They fought tooth and nail.

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is getting divorced from his wife

Apparently attempts to re-Kindle Fire into their relationship failed.

Divorced

My wife recently divorced me because she found my Fleshlight toy collection. I guess it didn't help that I had pictures of her sisters taped to the handles.

Now that he’s divorced, what does Amazon’s CEO do when he’s feeling lonely?

Jeff pays hoes.

A divorced man was delighted when his daughter reached her 18th birthday

because it would be his final child support payment. Month after month, year after year he had paid, and now at last he would be free of the financial burden.

So he called his daughter over to his house and said: "I want you to take this last check to your mother’s house. You tell her this is...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting divorced.

The judge in the courthouse is looking over the papers and looks at Mickey. "So, it says here that you want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy, is that right?" He asks the mouse.

Mickey shakes his head and replies "No, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced

It's as if they were polar opposites.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three divorced men find a genie

The genie slowly coalesces out of the lamp and addresses his finders. "You each get one wish. However, because you are divorced whatever you ask for will be doubled and given to your ex wife."

The first man blurts out "Well we did end on good terms so... How about $1 million? She'll get two a...

A man and his wife are at a restaurant,...

... and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife. ...

I divorced my wife and bought a horse...

I'm finally in a stable relationship.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man got divorced and goes to a swamp to drown himself.

When he’s about to jump, a frog appears and says “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Man tells the frog that his wife left him and took the kids and he wants to kill himself. “Don’t worry, go home and everything will be fine” frog answers. Man comes home to see that his wife and family is back and everything i...

What do you call Santa Clause after he gets divorced?

An independent clause.

I divorced my wife because she went psycho and burned the house down.

But don't worry. Arson is doing fine.

My wife divorced me for religious reasons.

She worshipped money and I don't have any.

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody

A recent study found that couples who have a lisp are much less likely to get divorced.

But they are much more likely to get divorthed.

My parents divorced when I was 9, and every other weekend my Dad would pick me up and take me to Hooters....practically raised me there.

...so many good mammaries.

Divorced man gets 3 wishes

A man, who was recently divorced from his wife was roaming thru the desert randomly struck his foot on an ancient Arab lamp and *WOOSH* out comes a magical genie

[Genie] You have awoken me and now you may have 3 wishes....but remember anything that you wish for your ex wife will receive doubl...

A woman divorced her husband after he emptied a bowl of trifle over her head.

She got custardy.

Why did the stock broker not get upset when his wife divorced him?

Because he’s got lots of options.

I divorced my best friend 10 years ago...

My wife is a lot happier now, but Dave.....Dave’s not here

What do German girls call getting divorced and remarried?

A Herr transplant.

A man that is recently divorced is walking on a beach

The man then finds a lamp and he rubs it twice and a genie appears and he says

"You have three wishes but since you are recently divorced your ex-wife gets twice what you get."

The man says"That is great , for my first wish I was a trillion dollars."

The genie snaps his fingers ...

Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"

With some thought, he finally said, “Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...”

“How is that a bad thing?” I wondered.

He replied, “Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.”

I beat my wife and she immediately divorced me.

Some people take Monopoly way too seriously.

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house...

He got the outside.

A married astronaut couple just got divorced...

It's not that they were bad partners, it's just that they both needed some space.

A husband and his wife went to a court so they could get divorced

Judge: You have three kids, how do you intend to split custody?

The husband and wife had a long conversation and said "Judge, we've decided to come back next year with an extra child"

Nine month's later the wife had twins.

Don’t forget about divorced Barbie for a gift idea this year!

Barbie comes with $3400 a month, Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and even comes with one of Ken’s friends!

A workmate of mine recently got divorced and I've noticed he gets upset every time he sees the family picture I've got on my desk.

I think he misses them.

A divorced man

A divorce man was walking on the street suddenly he saw a lamp in the middle of the road.

He picked it up and suddenly a genie poped out and said to man " you have three wishes and be careful what you will wish you ex will get double of that."

Man scratched his head and said "okay give...

My stoner neighbors got divorced

but it's okay because they got joint custody

A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my womb for 9 months, so he is mine"

The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"

Alaska

These two guys had both just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and tol...

The shortest person I've ever met was the divorced mother of a physicist

She was a single μm

Why did Santa get divorced?

His wife found out that he went to other women’s houses when he said he was working

My wife took a sales job with the cable company, so I divorced her.

I couldn't handle that she was screwing so many other people.

What did the wife say as she divorced her impotent husband?

"No hard feelings."

If you leave your spouse, you are divorced. If you leave your fiance...

You are dis-engaged.

A divorced man is walking to town...

And discovers an old lamp in oddly impeccable shape glistening through the bushes. He decides it's worth a closer look, walks over and picks it up.

All of a sudden a genie pops out and tells the man in his booming voice "You have three wishes, but be careful; for whatever you wish, your ex ge...

Can we get divorced in Heaven?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter show...

A man got married and became one plus . But he got divorced soon after .

One plus tag line never settle

Melo is getting divorced from his wife...

poor guy. lost the only ring he has!

What’s the worst part about getting divorced in the south?

The family reunions are always so awkward

If two white supremacist get divorced...

...are they still cousins?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today i realised why my Dad divorced my mom

I saw her driving license. she has an F in sex

What was the real reason Princess Di divorced Prince Charles?

She found out that not all rulers have 12 inches.

Why did the snakes get divorced?

Because of a reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man that was recently fired from his job and divorced decided to move to the mountains.....

He decided to live a secluded and solitary life in the most remote regions of the Appalachian Mountainous he could find. His first year was tougher than he expected especially during the winter months, but he faired well all things considered.

On a warm day during the following spring, he was...

How do you address a recently-divorced alcoholic?

"Beerly Deloved"

Before I got divorced, I should have converted all my assets to jokes.

Because my ex couldn't ever take one.

At thirteen years old, my parents were divorced.

A bit young to get married if you ask me.

What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced?

His mom got soul custody.

Lawyer: "Are you married?" Witness: "No, I'm divorced."

Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

What do two rednecks getting divorced and a tornado have in common?

Someone is going to lose a trailer.

After getting divorced,

I met a girl on a first date


Girl: where were you before?


Me: i was in jail, i just came out after doing 10 years.


Girl: why? What crime did you commit?


Me: I committed a marriage.


** today is my 10th anniversary and i just created this joke**

Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks.
"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.
"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.
"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.
"Does he beat you too?" asks the Jud...

After I got divorced, my former wife told me about a movie she gave 2 thumbs up that I should definitely take the kids to see.

I told her, "That wouldn't be appropriate. That movie is ex-rated"

If a man and a woman get married in Tennessee then move to Texas and get divorced…

Are they still brother and sister?

I'm worried that Alexis Ohanian will end up divorced.

In Tennis, love means nothing.

I just divorced my wife of six years. It was very amicable.

She was the first one to "like" my Facebook status when I indicated I was single again.

Why don't sea creatures get divorced?

Because they can't afford abalone.

A recently divorced woman comes across a genie in a lamp

A recently divorced woman was walking along the beach, when she notices a lamp in the sand. She picks it up and rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"I am the genie of this lamp," he said, "and I will grant you three wishes, but under one condition: whatever you receive, the person you hate the mos...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up.

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her
first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another
woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her
sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:
Wanted: A good looking, single guy wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife divorced me after years of daily penis enlargement surgeries.

She couldn't take it any longer.