Conscience Jokes - 34 Hilarious Conscience Jokes

What do you call a politician with a clear conscience?

An Alzheimer's patient.

Why don’t politicians listen to their conscience?

They don’t like taking advice from complete strangers.

I have a very clean conscience

Because I never use it!

A man sits down next to a woman at the bar

He orders a beer and notices the TV above the bar showing the 5 O'clock news

The news is covering someone standing on the edge of a bridge with the police trying to talk him down from jumping

The man at the bar looks to the woman next to him and says "I bet you $10 he jumps"

Th...

A young woman ...

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you...

Now that Will Smith has apologised for slapping Chris Rock, his conscience is clean.

His wife on the other hand, is Mr Clean.

Hey, Girl! Are you my conscience?

Because I haven't heard a word you've said

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I decided to sell some of my guns today

Times are rough, inflation is a bitch, and I need the cash so I decided to sell some of my guns.

I met the buyer at a public location, and being a responsible gun owner I decided to run a background check.

Within 5 minutes I discovered the buyer has a history of extortion, kidnapping, ...

How do you tell apart drug pushers that have a conscience from those who don't?

Those who don't call themselves "reps,".

A matter of conscience

A man is lying awake in the middle of the night in a hotel room, wracked with guilt because he just cheated on his wife. His conscience takes the form of a little angel and a little devil, and he's talking with them about what just happened.

The angel says, "Bill, this is the most terrible t...

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Dr. Holm struggles with a bad conscience after sex with a patient

A voice in him says, "Follow your desire". Another voice says: "Remember, you're a vet"

On an examination paper, The professor required his students to sign a form stating they had received no outside assistance...

....Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer script....

...and then said: "You can sign with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

Karma means I can be mean to people having a clear clear conscience: they probably deserved it.

Every time I make this joke, something bad happens to me the next day.

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I'm married, but I have a mistress named Ophelia who I've nicknamed "Off".

So when the wife and I have an argument and she tells me to go Fuck Off, I have a clear conscience

A man was brought to the police station to describe the suspect for a police sketch but is hesitant because the perpetrator was actually him.

His conscience urges him to tell the truth. It might as well be his self-defining moment.

The best part of having a bad memory...

is that your conscience is clear

I was invited to a dinner the other night.

The host warned me ahead of time, "Just so you know, we only serve vegetarian dishes. I hope you're alright with that."

I told him, "Of course! I have no problem with vegetarian dishes. In fact, I prefer them. But for the sake of conscience I do prefer it if the vegetarians were free rang...

How many Trumps does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, because [redacted]

EDIT: I can no longer in good conscience condone a joke that makes fun of someone based on their physical appearance. I will be deleting the punchline shortly.

EDIT 2: OK its redacted.

I don't like telling fat jokes

They weigh too much on my conscience

The coach discovers he is going to die in a week

He tells his wife: I want to clear my conscience. I have been unfaithful to you, only once, with your sister.
She says: That's okay. I too have been unfaithful to you, only once, with the football team.

Trump walks into a bar and Is suprised to see the bartender is a genie

The genie says "what'll you have?" Trump says"give me something I'll regret in the morning" The genie gives him a conscience, empathy, and humility.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] So a man walks into a pet store, searching for a companion.

The man sees this brightly colored parrot on display, but there's a problem, the store owner tells the man. You see, this parrot's last owner was a foul-mouth, and the bird's vocabulary is crude, to say the least.

But the man is lonely, and his life is boring. The parrot might spice things ...

Just some funny one-liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to ...

Naughty Horse Race

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They’re off! Conscience is left behind at the post.

Joc...

Twice

A sweet young school teacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired.

Under a tree, on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.

S...

A young priest was dismayed to find his bicycle was stolen....

He told the pastor about the theft, and asked what he could do to get the bicycle back.

The pastor said, "Your sermon on Sunday is about the Ten Commandments. What you should do is emphasize 'Thou Shalt Not Steal.' Really bring the point home. Perhaps the thief will have an attack of consc...

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Brilliant One-liners

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

I used to be indecisive....

A quarterback from a local football team is jogging through his neighborhood...

As he’s running he’s talking himself up like “yeah, you’re the best” “you’re gonna throw that ball so hard bro”

as he’s jogging he begins to hear screaming down the street and sees an area that seems brighter than the rest. He wraps around the corner to see what’s happening.

As he ar...

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A guy finds out his wife cheats on him with his best friend...

He decides he wants to take revenge... by hiring an assassin.

After meticulous searching, he finds the best at the profession: a sniper so good he never missed a shot. The assassin charged a fixed $10k fee per bullet. The guy hesitantly agrees to hire him.

Then he proceeds to tell the ...

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Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking steed stand...

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A Hindu, a Jew and a televangelist...

A Hindu, a Jew, and a televangelist are driving down a desolate road late at night, when suddenly the car breaks down in front of a farm. They decide to see if the folks who live on the farm will let them sleep there for the night so they can call a tow truck in the morning.

They knock on th...

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The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

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Bear walks into a bar...

Stop me if you've heard this one.

A bear walks into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve bears at this bar, get out!"

To which the bear replies "Look, I just want a drink."

"No, we don't serve bears here, you gotta leave." says the bartender.

"If you don't serve me I...

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