UPJOKE
shamefulpatheticunashamedunited kingdomcrasssleazyimmoraloutrageousblatantdeceitfulgratuitousmindlessidioticheartlesscynical

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Shamelessly copied from another post just too old

Radio guy talkes to some guy:
- Sir, Do you speak English?
- Yes!
- Name?
- Abdul Aziz.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a day.
- No, no...I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hos...

A British tourist visits a brothel in America [NSFW]

Shameless repost of a classic, relevant today.

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a lit...

Shamelessly copied joke....

Why does covid vaccine have 2 shots?




First is the microchip, second is the battery.

What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?

Oops!

(Shameless karma farming on cake day)

My wife gave me an ultimatum today - it was her or my shameless addiction.

The decision was a piece of cake.

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying,...

My wife thinks I’m nosey, shameless and have no respect for her privacy.

Honestly, the things she writes about me in her diary are often really mean.

Doctor: Sir, do you smoke?

Patient: Yeah.
Doctor: Cigarettes? Marijuana?
Patient: Mostly Brisket and Pork...


Shamelessly stolen from Doctor Mike on Youtube, but hell I laughed at that...

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Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

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Bob's a truck driver

Bob gets bored on long drives, so he came up with a game. If he sees a lawyer walking on the sidewalk, he'll hop the curb and run him over.

One day, Bob picks up a hitchhiking priest. The priest is quietly studying his Bible. Bob sees a lawyer. Because the priest was so quiet, Bob forgo...

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A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhou...

A Piece Of String Walks Into A Bar...

He quickly notices a sign that says, "No String Allowed, We do not serve pieces of String."

Before anyone notices, he rushes to the bathroom and hides in a stall.

He messes himself up, makes himself look rough and tattered. Then he contorts his body into a twisted and uncomfortable pos...

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Shameless Repost - The only joke here that actually made me LOL this year.

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's hold...

Shamelessly stolen

A momma mole, pappa mole and baby mole were all in their mounds relaxing. The pappa mole popped his head out, and said "It smells like honey up here!"
The momma mole then popped her head out and said "No, it smells like syrup up here."
The baby mole wanted to pop his head out, but there wasn...

A joke is like a frog...

When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.
Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just...

What's a pirate's favorite way to say relax?

"Take some arr and arr!"



Thought of it shamelessly while building a pirate ship in Minecraft

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They say sex is equivalent to running 6 miles.

By my calculations that means I can run a mile in under 4 seconds. How about that!

Shamelessly stolen from r/funny cause it made me laugh.

What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service?

The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies.

Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.

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What do you call an anal sex toy that is constantly self advertising?

A shameless plug

There was once a women who had 100 children...

Shameless stolen from a thread on /r/funny
____________________________________________________________________________________________
There once was a woman who had 100 children. She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ni...

In the months leading up to their expedition,

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin trained in a remote moon like area in the Western United States. The area was home to several Native American tribes.
One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American. The man asked them what they were doing there. They replied that t...

Chuck Norris jokes

When Chuck Norris' code throws exceptions, it's across the room.

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. And then the grenade exploded....

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The Expensive Prostitute

Man walks into a bar, sees a pretty woman and strikes up a conversation, discovers she's a prostitute. He says, "I've never done this before but what the hell, how much for a hand job?" She says $500. He is appalled, "$500?! How is that possible?" She says, "Do you see that mercedes outside? That's ...

Do you want to play constipation?

Sorry, it's not out yet.

(shameless repost of my daughters telling jokes in the back seat.)

What's better than 69?

77 cuz you get 8 more

(Shamelessly stolen from Redd Foxx)

I hate watching Showtime because they are always showing commercials for their own shows.

It’s just Shameless plug after Shameless plug.

My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show...

...and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost on...

What do you call an iron/carbon alloy that never gets embarrassed?

Shameless steel

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Felisberto

One day, Felisberto wanted to buy a motorcycle. His choice was the Harley-Davidson. There was a only a problem - the chrome. The seller advised to use Vaseline to protect it whenever it rained. And so it was. Felisberto, whenever he saw rain, he would smear his motorcycle with Vaseline. Thanks to th...

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I bought my wife a pair of shoes and a dildo.

If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.

(Shamelessly stolen from Craig Ferguson)

What do you call a number that wanders about?

A Roman numeral

(stolen shamelessly from my friend)

Lord of the Rings: What did Galadriel say to Celeborn when he asked what her ring was called?

"Nenya Business."

Gandalf choked out "Narya kidding me?"

To which Elrond interjected "Vilya please be quiet?"

Shamelessly taken from lotr sub (links not allowed, sorry.)

I know how batteries feel...

I'm rarely included in things either.

(Shamelessly stolen)

Why don't we let Google Chrome drive?

Because it crashes all the time.

*Disclaimer - shameless chrome user*

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear zippers.

-- shamelessly stolen from Cecil Adams

An Irish, a British, and American soldiers...

...had just helped each other escape from an Axis prisoner camp in WW2 Germany. As they run through the Bavarian forest, they hear alarms sounding, and soon afterwards, they hear dogs barking and guards yelling to each other.

The barking and yelling gets louder and louder, and the escapees r...

What do Winnie the Pooh and Ivan the Terrible have in common?

The same middle name.

(Shamelessly stolen from Cortana.)

My phone charger has been exposing its inner wires to promote its agenda.

It's a shameless plug.

My daughter thinks I criticize her too much...

That's just one of her many faults.

(Shamelessly taken from Arrested Development. Thanks, Lucille.)

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Three men are trapped on an island...

Three men were trapped on the island. One was an American, one was a North Korean and the other was South Korean.
They were wandering around when they came upon a town of cannibals. They were tied with a rope. The Chief came out and said that the punishment was spanking their ass with a huge woo...

What's the difference between a Southern wedding and a Southern tornado?

Nothing - either way someone's gonna lose a trailer

*shamelessly stolen from Robin Williams

What a Night

This morning, as I lie on my bed thinking about you, I have this strong urge to grab you... because I just can't forget about last night. Late in the balmy night, unexpectedly, you came to me in my bed and what happened there still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared out of nowher...

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Girls come to me, I have sex with them, and then I get paid for my services...

but it is not all fun and games being an undertaker.

Stolen from here (http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/mz0q0/stay_classy_youtube/), thought it was worth shamelessly posting for you jokes who have not seen it.

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