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Seizing Jokes

What should you do when your epileptic child starts seizing in the bathtub?

Throw in your laundry!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman's day off

Superman has a very rare day off and decides to fly around to figure out how to spend it.

He flies over to Batman's place and approaches him. "Hey Batman, I have the day off want to hang out?". "Sorry Superman, I have to stop the Joker from killing my girlfriend". Superman replies, "Eh whatev...

The Chinese government are seizing

my land to build a cemetery.

It has to be a Communist plot.

What do you call a hand job from a communist?

Seizing the means of reproduction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A noble goes hunting...

...with his servant. They haven't gotten far from house when noble realizes that ground is muddy and ruining his shoes.

He tells servant: "I'm going to wait here, run back to house and bring me my riding boots".

Servant, seizing the moment, runs into house and into noble's daughter's ...

I just realized today Jack and the Beanstalk is a communist story.

It’s all about seizing the beans of production.

Dude runs out of his house and rushes another dude walking....

He says, "My wife is an epileptic and she's seizing! Can you help?"
The other guy says, "Yes! Tell me what to do!"
They run into the house and to the bedroom and sure enough, the woman is in gran mal. The husband says, "Help me tie her down so she doesn't hurt herself!!"
They both proceed t...

What did my communist girlfriend say when she grabbed my balls?

I’m seizing your means of production.

A man went to a strip club

When he got inside he noticed an empty seat in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, ‘Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!’ The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.
...

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Donald Trump is a socialist

When he grabs ‘em right by the pussy, he is seizing the means of production.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I figured out Trump is actually a communist

When he said "grab them by the pussy" that's the head of state seizing the means of production.

Why was Marx bad at dating?

He only talked about seizing the means of production.

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.


After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

I see Trump as a modern Karl Marx

Have you heard him talk about seizing the means of reproduction?

What's the difference between Karl Marx and Donald Trump?

Trump only advocates the seizing of a *woman's* means of production

Donald Trump wants to make Russia great again all along.....

We should have known, he kept talking about seizing the means of reproduction after all

A man and his wife just had an argument, and are very angry with each other.

The man is driving his wife to a family gathering when they suddenly see a herd of pigs crossing the road in front of them. Seizing the chance, the husband cheerily asks:

- "Hey, look! Are they some relatives of yours?

And his wife quickly replies,

- "Yeah, my parents-in-law!"

An old joke from about 100 years ago that's actually somewhat amusing

A Milwaukee man and his wife recently received a call from an old friend whom they had not seen for years. Just before the three sat down to a little supper in the German style, the wife, seizing a favorable opportunity, whispered to her husband:

"We have only three bottles of beer in the hou...

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There is a fly.... (medium)

Hovering near the surface of a mountain lake. Over on the shore sits a frog. The frog says “If the fly drops four inches, I can eat him.”

Just below the surface of the lake is a fish. The fish sees the frog and says “If the fly drops for inches, the frog can get the fly, and I can get the fro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A South African, an Australian and an Englishman are all having a drink

The Englishman and South African both drink from Pint Glasses, the Australian from a bottle.

The South African, upon draining his glass, drops in back down on the bar, pulls out a pistol, and shoots the glass.

"In South Africa, there is so much sand that I never drink from the same gla...

It is 1538 and the Dissolution of Monasteries by King Henry VIII is in progress...

having broken away from the Catholic church, Henry had angered many adherents both domestic and abroad, and sought to shut down any institutions that swore their allegiance to the Catholic church before he had a revolt on his hands.

He attempted to completely squash all churches, monasteri...

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