My dad confiscated my weed so I stole his flight ticket,

neither of us is getting high today

Did you know over 1 million wash basins are confiscated at the border every year for no reason?

Let that sink in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got an mp3 player for my birthday. But this group of shitheads at school decided to break it. So my mom bought me an mp4 player. Same group of shitheads broke it. So I brought an mp5, but the school confiscated that.

Tomorrow I'm bringing an MP7

The cops confiscated all my brownies at a bake sale.

Jokes on them, the weed was in the apple pie.

At San Francisco’s airport last Tuesday, customs officials confiscated 20 giant centipedes.

They said, “There’s just not enough leg room in the airplane”.

The teacher confiscated my MP3 today in class

So I pulled out my MP5

The finebros confiscated my Epi-Pen

I was having an allergic reaction.

The teacher confiscated my MP4

But the next day I brought my MP5!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I crashed my Ford a few days ago and went to a mechanic to get it repaired. Later that night I was arrested and my laptop confiscated

In hindsight perhaps I should have said “I crashed my Ford” instead of “I fucked my 15 year old Escort”

The price of lumber has gone up so much...

That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of cocaine.

My rubberband gun was confiscated in Algebra class

It was a weapon of math disruption!

Did you hear that Keith Moon, Peter Townshend, Roger Daltrey and John Entwistle

Broke into a puppy mill and stole confiscated all the animals?

The Who let the dogs out.

I just flew into Australia and, boy, are my arms...

confiscated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman and an American are talking at a music festival.

Irishman: I tell ya man it sucks that we're not allowed to bring our own beer into this festival. All of the beer here is overpriced and tastes like piss.

American: I know what you mean my friend, so in this case I'll help you out.

*The American pulls out a pair of binoculars and un ca...

A North Korean man is walking home

A North Korean man is walking along the road when he spots a fish caught in the reeds. Excitedly, he scooped it up and ran home.

"Look what I found!" he says, revealing his treasure to his wife, "Quick heat the oil"

"But husband, the police confiscated the oil! They said subversives co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hobos with a sausage walk into a bar.

First one tells the other,

"Let's order a ton of food and drinks. Once we're drunk, I'll whip out this sausage link, and you go under the table and start sucking this thing. When security sees what we're doing, they'll have no choice but to kick us out before we pay."

For the next cou...

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...

...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a policeman asking me questions.

Did you know about the prisoner who used to beat his cellmate with his wooden leg?

When the authorities confiscated it , he was hopping mad..

A bird and weed story

In the 1970s, law enforcement officers on the California coast would gather all the confiscated marijuana plants and burn them in a giant incinerator. Terns would fly overhead and inhale the fumes. At the end of the day, they found that no terns were left unstoned.

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no f...

TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport...

The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"

I replied "No, only guns."

In the USSR we had this joke

But we were keeping it to ourselves so they confiscated it, and threw us in jail.

Topical Jokes for 10/9

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

In Indiana, a pizza delivery man received a $1,200 tip from college students. College officials applauded the act of charity, until they realized the “pizza” was just a box with $1,200 dollars worth of weed in it.

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who is this?

An old Russian Jew, left behind decades ago when the rest of the family fled to Israel, had finally been granted permission to leave by the Soviet government. But not without a few last indignities. When he arrived at the airport, his luggage was confiscated and thoroughly searched in front of him. ...

Old fighter pilot goes to his great-grandchild's 7th grade class

Old fighter pilot goes to his great-grandchild's 7th grade class to talk about his experiences. He tells the class, "I remember one time, me and my squadron was comin' back from escortin' some B-17 and we're almost over the Channel, when one a dem Fokkers come out of a cloud..." A few kids chuckle ...

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