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Connery Jokes

Sean Connery walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."...

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Once.

What time does Sean Connery usually play racket sports?

Ten-ish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sean Connery never had much luck on a busy bus.

"Mind if I shit there?"

Alex Trebek died shortly after Sean Connery.

He had to hurry and get to heaven before Connery found his Mother.

When Sean Connery first learned to talk..

he would pronounce his name like "Sawn."

His mother explained, "no dear, the S makes a "SH" sound.

And the resht is hishtory.

Sean Connery was the original choice to play Sebastian in The Little Mermaid

He turned the role down because, he said, "as a child I was always told not to be shellfish."

Why did Sean Connery throw away his zucchini?

Courgette was rotten

So Sean Connery Died today.....

Couldn't he have died another day?



(Sean is hands down the best James Bond!)

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I heard Sean Connery.......(nsfw)

I heard Sean Connery was so traumatized, he stopped giving oral sex...


...after that one time he asked a woman to sit on his face.

Sean Connery used to take photos of himself up against every bookcase he ever saw.

He loved his shelfies.

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+esh. Like everyone elshe.

Safe travels, Sir.

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

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Viagra won't turn you into Sean Connery

but it will make you roger more

Sean Connerys wife was killed last year after his book case tipped over on her. In an interview, an extremely guilt ridden Sean Connery said:

I only have my shelf to blame.

Sean Connery was making a tennis date with a lady friend.

He asks her "what time would you like to meet?"

She says "Tennish"

He says, "I know but what time?"

Sean Connery built a magnificent bookcase

It was the centerpiece of the library in his mansion and even the Queen herself praised it as one of the top bookcases in all of England. Everyone who ever visited his library has marvelled at the sheer greatness of this bookcase and many said that if acting didn't work out, that he would have had ...

Have Sean Connery and Daniel Craig ever hung out?

I think they would really bond

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

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What would a sadistic Sean Connery sex shop be called?

Lash But Not Leash

Why does nobody touch Sean Connery's chips?

They heard their flavor was shower cream and onion

The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE!

(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.

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Sean Connery was very rude to his guests, and treated his driver terribly

I went to his house once and he didn't even offer me a seat. He just kept asking if I wanted to shit on his chauffeur

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?

Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?

"I have only my shelf to blame"

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What does Sean Connery reading you a bedtime story have in common with a gastrointestinal doctor?

"Are you shitting comfortably?"

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (2 of 2)

James Bond is sitting at the bar doing a vodka martini, shaken not schtirred, when he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.

He glances at his watch, looks up and gives her a knowing wink.

Intrigued, she walks over, smiles and says, "What was that all about? Why did y...

56 years ago a prophet predicted Sean Connery's death.

Instead of: I expect you to die at the ripe old age of 90 while you sleep Mr. Sean Connery.

They ad libbed: I expect you to die Mr. Bond

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Sean Connery is at his first day of Kindergarten...

The boy acts up, so the teacher tells him to go sit in the corner.

A few minutes later, a horrible smell begins to emanate from where Sean is.

"Sean!" The teacher screams, "What did you do that for?!"

"Well, Mish" Sean replies. "You did tell me to shit in the corner..."

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An oldie in honor of Sir Sean Connery, RIP

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer....

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Sean Connery is sitting at his desk

His wife walks in and says, "we need to talk, can I sit down?" Sean Connery says, "Shit."

Why was Sean Connery wearing pointy ears on stage in Las Vegas?

He was impersonating Elvish.

What did Sean Connery say in a dirty kitchen?

Dishes, concerning.

Where does Sean Connery keep his guns?

In the library of course. They're for shelf-defense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Sean Connery get kicked out of the strip club?

He told a stripper to sit on his lap.

Sean Connery's New Job

Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says "I've got an audition for you tomorrow about 10ish"

Sean says "Great! I'll bring my racket"

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Sean Connery trains his dog

Sean Connery takes his dog in for training because it poops in the house. “I’ve been doing everything it says to do in the dog training book, but he still poops in the house,” Connery complains to the dog trainer.

“Let’s see where he’s at,” the dog trainer replies.

The dog trainer says...

Sean Connery had a load of books fall on his head, thanks to dodgy DIY

He has only his shelf to blame

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I call my penis Sean Connery

He used to be in everything but now he's basically retired...

When does Sean Connery's accent provide more information than regular English?

When he's sitting on a toilet.

(and you just read that in his voice)

Let’s give it a few days before we start making Sean Connery Jokes

It’s too shoon

Sean Connery walks into a bar

Sean Connery walks into a bar. He says "I'd like a single shot." The bartender says "That's a good idea because if you had the chickenpox, the virus is already in you."

Did you know Sean Connery is a massive fan of onions?

Yeah, apparently he likesh them shallot

Why didn't Sean Connery get his roof fixed?

He said he "couldn't find a shingle person to do it."

Sean Connery's doctor told him...

...that it wasn't healthy to keep eating entire eggs, shells and all. "Just give it up for 40 days in the spring, and I bet you'll feel better."

The actor took his advice, and returned after 40 days.

"How was it?" the doctor asked.

Sean Connery smiled. "Eggshell-Lent!"

What did Sean Connery say when he noticed that there wasn't any electricity in the Pennsylvania countryside?

"Shomething'sh Amish..."

I wouldn't let Sean Connery play with my pet lobsters.

He called me a "Shellfish Basterd."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never ask Sean Connery for financial advice

He told me to shave my money, but all I ended up with was torn bills :( Dick move, Sean.

Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up.

Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"

Sean Connery finds a cupboard in his house he hasn't used before

A rare moment of shelf discovery.

Sean Connery’s kids thought Jesus didn’t have a beard.

Because he always told them that Jesus saves.

Breaking news: Sean Connery had a bunch of books fall on him.

When asked what happened, he said, "I'm ok, I only have my shelf to blame."

Sean Connery: A Man Who Conquers All

*obviously, this is read in the man's grizzled voice*

What's the difference between your mother and a motorcycle?

When I ride a motorcycle... I wear protection.

Sean Connery is doing his part for COVID, he reorganized his fridge

He’s shelf isolating.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell the difference between my mom and Sean Connery

By the way they pronounce LETITSNOW

TIFU by doing a Sean Connery impersonation all day.

My friend dared me to do my best Sean Connery impersonation for twenty-four hours yesterday, and it was going really well, until last night....

I asked my girlfriend to sit on my face.

Sean Connery was recently injured by a pile of books that fell on him.

When asked about the incident, he responded, “I had nobody but my shelf to blame.”

Sean Connery arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by St. Peter, who says:

Sean! We’ve been waiting for a while, sorry you had to leave, but the big man can’t wait to meet you. He’s gonna come a see you about ten-ish.
Sean thinks for a second an replies,
“Tennish? But I didn’t bring a racquet”


RIP Lgend. You were the best bond by far.

never heard this before

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dishes.

Dishes who ?

DISH IS SEAN CONNERY

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sean Connery is interviewed by GQ Magazine...

and the reporter breathlessly asks his idol, "Mr. Connery your fans have three questions for you, do you drink martinis shaken or stirred?" In a deep Scottish brogue Sean Connery replies, "Shaken."
"And which do you prefer, Octopussy or Pussy Galore?" to which Sean Connery barely lets him finish...

What kind of pictures does Shaun Connery take?

Shelfies






alt. What kind of pictures do fish take?


Shellfies





alt. What do hermit crabs call their utility bills?


Shell Fees






alt. Why did my wife leave me?


I cheated on her


alt. ...

What time does Sean Connery play the game with two rackets and a yellow ball?

Tenish.

Why was Sean Connery giving away his lobster costume?

He was trying to be a little less shellfish.

Where does Sean Connery put his beard clippings?

His shavings account.

I told Sean Connery about how I was crushed by a pile of books.

He said 'you've only got your shelf to blame'.

Sean Connery and a mussel are watching a movie...

The mussel is eating pop corn.

"Could you passh me shome pop corn?" asks Sean Connery

"No get your own!" answers the mussel

"Oh, come on! Don't be sho shellfish!"

If Sean Connery starred in Interstellar...

He'd tell Murph to stop talking to her shelf.

Sean Connery passed away peacefully in his sleep at age 90, he and Roger Moore were good friends...

They shared a Bond.

Why was Sean Connery asked to leave the wildlife conservatory?

He kept saying he wanted to shave the animals.

I got a pop up ad for a locally owned Sean Connery roofing supply company

It said, “shingles in your area”.

(OC) What does Sean Connery use to dry his plates?

Dishtowel

Bob and Sean Connery were walking one day...

Bob and Sean Connery were walking one day. The leaves were turning in the trees, and the sun was shining through them.

"I shay!" Sean Connery said, "What a day to be outshide. It's shimply beautiful, ishn't it?"

"Absolutely," his friend Bob replied, admiring their surroundings. Though ...

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