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Jean Jokes

My wife asked me "do I look fat in these jeans?"

I said "promise not to be mad whatever I say?"

She replied "yes of course!"

I said "I banged your sister".

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I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

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A guy goes to a Halloween party in just his jeans

No shoes or shirt nothing but jeans. He’s making his rounds and enjoying some drinks and the comes up to him and asks, “So what are you supposed to be?” The guys responds, “I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host pauses for a second really staring at this guy’s costume and finally says, “I don’t get ...

What does a cheap motel and tight jeans have in common?

No ball room

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

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When I go to a costume party this year, I'm showing up wearing only a pair of jeans.

That way when I'm asked what my costume is, I'll say "I'm a premature ejaculator. I just came in my pants."

Do you know what happens when your designer jeans get tangled in the dryer?

Guess knot

TIL in the early '80s, Michael Jackson almost founded a Mexican restaurant, and "Billy Jean" was originally recorded as a promo for the restaurant

He was going to call it "Nacho Daddy"

Skinny jeans are like a cheap hotel.

There’s no ballroom.

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Jean suspects her husband is gay

She confronts him about it one day and asks him, “Do you even love me?”

“Of course I do! I love you, Jean!”

She starts crying and screams “I KNEW IT! WHO THE FUCK IS EUGENE?!”

Needing new jeans.

I happened to spot several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a local garage sale.

They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33.

So I asked the owner if he had a pair.

He shook his head. “I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”

Jean-Luc Picard just opened a Chinese restaurant.

It's called Make It Tso.

Did you hear about the new food delivery service that features people wearing really tight jeans that were popular in the 80's?

It's called Jor-Dash

I try wearing tight jeans..

but I could never pull them off

Do you know why they give those tiny pockets on jeans?

It is for your salary.

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and Jean Luc Picard?

Picard didn't sell Data

“To be is to do”—Socrates. “To do is to be”—Jean-Paul Sartre.

"Do be do be do”—Frank Sinatra.

A guy named Jean has been out drinking

Jean has had a few drinks and is pulled over by a police officer thirty minutes into his drive home from the bar.

The police officer says to Jean: “Sir, I’m going to need you to take a breathalyser test.”

Jean replies: “I can’t.”

Officer: “Why not?”

Jean: “I’m asthmatic....

What did Christo and Jean-Claude say at the beginning and end of every project?

“All right folks, let’s wrap it up”

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Once, there was a French battle pilot, named Jean-Pierre

(I recommend reading the joke in a heavy French accent)

After the war, Jean-Pierre returned to live in Paris, above a local pub.

One night, he noticed a gorgeous blonde Parisian and went to flirt with her, which went well.

After a while of flirting, the blonde told Jean-Pierre,...

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

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Jean

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blowjobs and smoking weed.

She was known as oral high Jean.

Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Dam, and Arnold Schwarzenegger

So one day, Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Dam, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were sitting together in a bar, kicking back, drinking a few brews, talking about life and talking about the roles they'd played in movies.

As the three men talked, each was surprised to realize that all three of t...

Jean Paul and Jean Pierre are hanging out at the beach.

Jean Paul asks, "hey Jean Pierre, look at all the beautiful ladies here. How do you get them to pay attention to you?"

Jean Pierre says, "my friend, here is a little secret for you. Just take a potato and put it in your speedo, and the women will flock to you."

The next day, Jean Paul ...

I tried to wear skinny jeans once

I couldn't pull 'em off

What are Mario's favourite jeans to wear?

*Denim Denim Denim*

I asked a tailor to hem my jeans

He did a bad job of it so I ended having to go to the retailer

People named Jean are always clean

Because the first thing they're greeted with is "Hygiene".

Billie Jean is not my lover

She just a girl who says that i am the one

But the kid is not my son.

He can stay over for the weekend though

Stopped buying jeans

I could never find jeans that fit, every pair long enough would be too wide up top. So I switched to sweatpants, smaller waste of material.

How does captain Jean-Luc Picard excuse himself from a conversation with Will Riker so he can use the restroom?

I have to go, Number One.

Jean-Paul Sartre goes into a coffee shop

He says to the waitress “May I get a coffee with no cream?” The waitress says “ I’m sorry, Mr. Sartre, we’re all out of cream. Would you like one with no milk?”

I like my men like I like my jeans..

High and Wasted.

^I ^don't ^have ^great ^taste ^in ^jeans.

Puma's new Jeans line has failed...

They were called Puma Pants.

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

My jean jacket doesn't fit right

I can only fit my arms in the leg holes but I don't have torso or back coverage

Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all making a movie about classical composers.

Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be mozart."


Jean Claude Van Damme said, "I'll be Beethoven."


Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be bach."

Men's jeans haven't really been working out for me, so I decided to try on women's jeans.

Then I realized it was the closest I'll ever get into a girl's pants.

Problem with the new jeans

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.

“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”

I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans

but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited.

Why do Welsh farmers prefer 501 jeans?

So the sheep wont hear the zipper

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.

He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans

What kind of jean's do Mario prefer?

Denim Denim Denim.

A man is making jeans and gets exhausted.

What does he do?

Pants.

Inspector Javert gives up on catching Jean Valjean and opens a bakery.

But old habits die hard. The bread is on special, two for $6.01

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Honesty

While trying on a jeans, a wife asks her husband.

Wife: "Darling, do I look fat in these jeans?"

Husband: "Can I be honest with you? Promise me you won't get mad."

Wife: "Sure darling, go ahead, I won't be angry."

Husband: "I fucked your sister."

A girl who caught me looking at her very toned legs in jeans.

Her: "Whatcha looking at?"

Me: Sorry your legs look great in those
jeans.

Her: You should see me without them.

ME: Why would you take off your legs?

I saw a sign outside a store saying "Jeans: 50% OFF!"

Turns out they were just selling jorts.

Why shouldn’t you buy cheap jeans from Northern Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

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Elsa Jean, Piper Perri and Nina Hartley are in a pub after a long hard day of work.

Elsa and Piper are jokingly bragging about what they did that day.

"I had a dick the size of a cucumber!" says Elsa.

"That's nothing!" says Piper, "I had like five the size of a baseball bat!"

"Watch this." says Nina, as she slides over her stool entirely.

I know skinny jeans are fashionable...

But as a slightly chubby man, I just can't seem to be able to pull them off

I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans.

I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"

I've quit wearing Lee jeans...

...I'm afraid some anarchist will try to pull them down!

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Jean Jacques discovers that his wife has been unfaithful to him.

So he does what so many betrayed frenchmen have done before him, he swears off women and joins the French Foreign Legion. He completes the basic training and is posted to a mission in north Africa. His detachment are stationed out in the desert, hunting Islamist insurgents.
After a month, he i...

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Bleach kills everything: mold, mildew, bacteria, black shirts, blue jeans...

But not the whites.

Fuckin white privilege...

Why do deaf women wear tight jeans?

So you can read their lips.

How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off?

It pants.

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What do you call a group of jeans running a marathon?

ParticiPANTS!

Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans

Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.

Jean's mom came home after visiting her hometown

Maggie: Hey, where did your mom come from?

Jean: Alaska

Maggie: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself

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Why were high-waisted jeans first invented?

So you can deal with those long ass days.

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Boss: You can't wear jeans with holes in them to work.

Dave: it's a fashion trend.

Boss: Dave we can see your asshole.

What's the difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian?

A pair of jeans only has one fly on it

The Bacon Tree

The year is 1541 and the French have just begun colonization in North America. Young Jean-Luc is in his newly crafted home when suddenly his friend Jean-Pierre bursts through his front door. 'Jean Luc!' he exclaims. 'You weel nevar believe! I 'ave 'eard word of a bacon tree!'. Jean-Luc looks confus...

To the guy who stole my really tight skinny jeans...

You won't be able to run, just hide.

I couldn't quit ripping my jeans cold turkey...

...so I'm on the patch now.

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

I was behind a fat girl in tight jeans at the supermarket checkout...

Her label said “Guess?”

I said, “ Oh I don’t know, 450 pounds?”

What material are the Pink Panther's jeans made out of?

Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmmmm

I girl once told me a story about her cut-off jeans.

She kept it short.

There's a woman named Jean who works in my lab and everyday she comes in stinking of body odor.

I don't really speak to her much and rarely say hello, usually if I pass her in the hallway I just say "Hi Jean"

What does Jean Valjean use to listen to music?

Cosettes.

I finally figured out what that tiny little pocket in my jeans is there for...

It's for my salary.

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I saw a guy with down syndrome buying a pair of jeans today.

I thought to myself, "What a greedy bastard, haven't you got enough already?"

What did Jean-Luc Picard say when Engineering offered to fix his electric sewing machine?

Make it sew!

What’s Mario’s favorite pair of jeans to wear?

Denim denim denim...

I hate having to shop for jeans as a guy. They're all made like cheap castles.

There's no ballroom!




Sorry if this is a repost, I've never seen it posted to r/jokes before. I only just heard it yesterday from a coworker who claims her grandfather made it up. I thought you lot might like it!

Why doesn't Bruce Banners pants rip when he transforms into the Hulk?

Because the radiation altered his jeans

Captain Jean-Luc Picard needed to mend his torn uniform, but his old Singer was broken. So he took it down to the repair shop...

...and said, "make it sew."

William Shatner is going to sponsor a new line of women's jeans made to hide adult diapers underneath.

They're going to be called Shatner Pants.

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