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My girlfriend walked into the room and said “Do these jeans make me look fat?”

“do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?” I asked

“Yes” she replied

“I fucked your sister”

I tried to wear skinny jeans once

I couldn't pull 'em off

Do you know why they give those tiny pockets on jeans?

It is for your salary.

What do skinny jeans and middle-class houses have in common?

No ballroom.

I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans

but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited.

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I just found out that I am seriously poor at 'reading' women. I was just sat at the bar earlier, when this stunning lass sat beside me. She leaned in to whisper something, and like a fucking idiot I automatically thought she was trying to flirt with me.

Turned out she just wanted to tell me how nice my arse looks in these jeans.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

I asked a tailor to hem my jeans

He did a bad job of it so I ended having to go to the retailer

A minister dies..

..and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, ta...

A New Yorker Asks for a Cab Ride to Chicago

A man gets in a cab at 33rd St. and Park Ave. and says, "I need to get to the Palmer House."

The cabbie says, "The Palmer House Hotel?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "That's on Wabash in Chicago."

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "I'm not gonna drive...

“To be is to do”—Socrates. “To do is to be”—Jean-Paul Sartre.

"Do be do be do”—Frank Sinatra.

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Everyone in my family is bad at holding in their piss.

Sadly, it runs in our jeans.

A guy named Jean has been out drinking

Jean has had a few drinks and is pulled over by a police officer thirty minutes into his drive home from the bar.

The police officer says to Jean: “Sir, I’m going to need you to take a breathalyser test.”

Jean replies: “I can’t.”

Officer: “Why not?”

Jean: “I’m asthmatic....

I went to the doctor to get a prostate exam.

The doctor told me to take my jeans and underpants off and to bend over the table.
As he was putting plastic gloves on, he said:

”Alright Steve, don’t get hard this time.”

”My name’s not Steve” I said.

”Yes, I know. I am Steve”.

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I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a cocktail

The bartender spends a minute measuring and pouring ingredients, and when he’s done he takes a spoon out of his shirt pocket, stirs the drink, and hands it to the guy.

The guy takes a sip and then asks the bartender: “do you always carry a spoon in your shirt pocket?”

The bartender rep...

My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.

What do skinny jeans and a cheap hotel have in common?

There's no ballroom.

Friend told me this a couple years ago. I was reminded today, by wearing skinny jeans and tugging at my crotch the entire time.

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Man walks to a doctors office to show his blue penis. [NSFW]

Doctor takes a look a says "it's gangrene, I am sorry but we have to amputate it right now".

After several weeks, the same man comes back and says "Doctor, now my thighs are blue!"

Doctor takes a look again and ask "you haven't wash your new jeans? It looks like the stain a little bit....

What did the scarecrow say when the farmer asked him how he liked his job?

It's not for everyone but, hey, it's in my jeans.

Disclaimer: I read this joke on here a couple years ago and it's still my favorite.

I like my men like I like my jeans..

High and Wasted.

^I ^don't ^have ^great ^taste ^in ^jeans.

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.

He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

I try wearing tight jeans..

but I could never pull them off

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Naked Cowboy

A sheriff of a small town is patrolling the town one night when he comes across a cowboy walking up Main St. The cowboy is wearing nothing except his hat, boots, and gunbelt. The sheriff is a bit surprised at first but gets over his initial shock and arrests the cowboy for indecent exposure.

...

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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

What do you call a guy from Illinois with rips in his jeans, shoes, and a hole in his shirt and forehead?

An ambulance

Captain Jean-Luc Picard needed to mend his torn uniform, but his old Singer was broken. So he took it down to the repair shop...

...and said, "make it sew."

Jean-Claude Van Damme is "the muscles from Brussels." Who are his kids?

Brussels sprouts.

I just did 10 pull ups this morning

These jeans are tighter than I remember

Scientists have found out that diarrhoea is hereditary

It runs in your jeans.

What are Mario's favourite jeans to wear?

*Denim Denim Denim*

A girl who caught me looking at her very toned legs in jeans.

Her: "Whatcha looking at?"

Me: Sorry your legs look great in those
jeans.

Her: You should see me without them.

ME: Why would you take off your legs?

Financial Advisor: "I don't quite know how to break this to you but you're basically broke." Wife: "He's always spending money on stupid stuff!"

Me: "Lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid."

What’s the similarity between a pot head and a Syrian girl wearing jeans?

They both get stoned.

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A guy walks into a costume party wearing nothing buy a pair of blue jeans

The host comes up to him and asks, "What are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a premature ejaculation," he responds.

"I don't understand."

"Oh, I just came in my pants."

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and Jean Luc Picard?

Picard didn't sell Data

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"Sara," said the husband, "'I just I gol a letter from the IRS. How should 1 dress for my meeting? In my Armani suit or in my jeans?"

'Jacob;' his wife replied, "I'm going to tell
you the same thing that my mother told me
when I asked her whether I should wear pajamas or my sexy black negligee on our honeymoon. She said 'Sara, it doesn't matter how
you dress, you'll get fucked either way."

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Elsa Jean, Piper Perri and Nina Hartley are in a pub after a long hard day of work.

Elsa and Piper are jokingly bragging about what they did that day.

"I had a dick the size of a cucumber!" says Elsa.

"That's nothing!" says Piper, "I had like five the size of a baseball bat!"

"Watch this." says Nina, as she slides over her stool entirely.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

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Jean suspects her husband is gay

She confronts him about it one day and asks him, “Do you even love me?”

“Of course I do! I love you, Jean!”

She starts crying and screams “I KNEW IT! WHO THE FUCK IS EUGENE?!”

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

Did You Know that Diareah Problems are Hereditary

It Runs In your Jeans

(Plz excuse any spelling errors if I made some. English is my first language Im just Dumb)

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Once, there was a French battle pilot, named Jean-Pierre

(I recommend reading the joke in a heavy French accent)

After the war, Jean-Pierre returned to live in Paris, above a local pub.

One night, he noticed a gorgeous blonde Parisian and went to flirt with her, which went well.

After a while of flirting, the blonde told Jean-Pierre,...

I saw a sign outside a store saying "Jeans: 50% OFF!"

Turns out they were just selling jorts.

What is the difference between a man riding a tricycle wearing a suit and tie, and another man riding a bicycle wearing jeans and a t-shirt?

Attire.

Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all making a movie about classical composers.

Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be mozart."


Jean Claude Van Damme said, "I'll be Beethoven."


Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be bach."

A man is making jeans and gets exhausted.

What does he do?

Pants.

For our recent field trip, our teacher told us that jeans were appropriate, but we weren’t allowed to wear pairs with holes in them.

I still don’t know how we’re supposed to get the darn things on!

My jean jacket doesn't fit right

I can only fit my arms in the leg holes but I don't have torso or back coverage

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So when a girl tells her friend she has a great ass in that jeans it's okay,

But when I tell my buddy the same thing I am 'being inappropriate' and I 'should really close the coffin now'. The world we live in

What's got 24 legs and flys?

12 pairs of jeans

Puma's new Jeans line has failed...

They were called Puma Pants.

People named Jean are always clean

Because the first thing they're greeted with is "Hygiene".

Stopped buying jeans

I could never find jeans that fit, every pair long enough would be too wide up top. So I switched to sweatpants, smaller waste of material.

Why shouldn’t you buy cheap jeans from Northern Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout.

Billie Jean is not my lover

She just a girl who says that i am the one

But the kid is not my son.

He can stay over for the weekend though

I finally figured out what that tiny little pocket in my jeans is there for...

It's for my salary.

I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans.

I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"

Problem with the new jeans

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.

“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”

It was socretes who once said "to be is to do" and Jean - Paul Sartre who said "to do is to be"

And finally it was Frank Sinatra who said "do-be-do-be-do"

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Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have £1 between them.

Paddy says “I’ve an idear” and goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says “are ye mad? Now we’re skint!”
“Come on” says Paddy, “follow me”
They go into a pub, order two pints, and drink them.
Before they pay Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get...

Inspector Javert gives up on catching Jean Valjean and opens a bakery.

But old habits die hard. The bread is on special, two for $6.01

I was behind a fat girl in tight jeans at the supermarket checkout...

Her label said “Guess?”

I said, “ Oh I don’t know, 450 pounds?”

My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.

It runs in the jeans.

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Jean

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blowjobs and smoking weed.

She was known as oral high Jean.

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You go to a Halloween party wearing nothing but blue jeans. When someone asks you who you are, you reply, "I'm a premature ejaculator."

You see, I just came in my pants.

"Credit goes to some dudes post on something earlier, couldn't find it to give him credit. Thought it was too funny not to share."

A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate.



Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy : '' Who Are You....???? ''



Guy : '' I am a Bus driver''



God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.



God ...

Two nuns

Late in the night, two nuns were walking in a empty street. Suddenly they realised that a man was following them , they were scared ofcourse, they decided to go separate in two different ways and meet again at the church. They did so. The man choosed one and kept on following
15 mins later th...

I hate having to shop for jeans as a guy. They're all made like cheap castles.

There's no ballroom!




Sorry if this is a repost, I've never seen it posted to r/jokes before. I only just heard it yesterday from a coworker who claims her grandfather made it up. I thought you lot might like it!

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

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I once talked to a chick in the club. I said "you have a nice jeans, i would want to be inside of your jeans." She said "no need for that." I asked "why?"

She: "because there is already an asshole inside."

There's a woman named Jean who works in my lab and everyday she comes in stinking of body odor.

I don't really speak to her much and rarely say hello, usually if I pass her in the hallway I just say "Hi Jean"

I girl once told me a story about her cut-off jeans.

She kept it short.

Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Dam, and Arnold Schwarzenegger

So one day, Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Dam, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were sitting together in a bar, kicking back, drinking a few brews, talking about life and talking about the roles they'd played in movies.

As the three men talked, each was surprised to realize that all three of t...

A shirt and jeans walk into a bar

They ask the bartender for a drink and he replies
“No shoes no service”

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Of course trump will challenge the results. He will not take no for an answer.

Just ask Ivana trump, Jill hearth, Jean carrol, summer zervos, alva Johnson, Jessica leeds, Kristen Anderson, Lisa boyne, Cathy heller, temple McDowell, Amy dorris, Karena Virginia, karen Johnson, mindy mcgillivary, Jennifer Murphy, Rachael crooks, Natasha stoynoff, juillet huddy, Jessica drake, nin...

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bleach kills everything: mold, mildew, bacteria, black shirts, blue jeans...

But not the whites.

Fuckin white privilege...

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping and Jean-Claude Juncker all jump from a plane without a parachute, in what order do they hit the ground?

Doesn't matter.

Yesterday I went into the woods to looks for sasquatchs but my Jean's were too tight

You have no idea how hard it is to sasquatch with you sack squashed

How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off?

It pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boss: You can't wear jeans with holes in them to work.

Dave: it's a fashion trend.

Boss: Dave we can see your asshole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After quarantine I realized I'm really into CROSSFIT

I CROSS my fingers and hope I can FIT my ass in those jeans.

What's Jean Claude van Damme name after failing firefighter test?

Jean Claude Notre Dame

Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a group of jeans running a marathon?

ParticiPANTS!

What material are the Pink Panther's jeans made out of?

Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmmmm

Men's jeans haven't really been working out for me, so I decided to try on women's jeans.

Then I realized it was the closest I'll ever get into a girl's pants.

What's the difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian?

A pair of jeans only has one fly on it

Elton john

Elton John has put on so much weight he’s having to wear oversized trousers so ......... Goodbye Normal Jeans

Jean Paul and Jean Pierre are hanging out at the beach.

Jean Paul asks, "hey Jean Pierre, look at all the beautiful ladies here. How do you get them to pay attention to you?"

Jean Pierre says, "my friend, here is a little secret for you. Just take a potato and put it in your speedo, and the women will flock to you."

The next day, Jean Paul ...

A cowboy walks into a bar and brings his pet alligator with him.

He places the alligator on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“You are about to see something amazing,” the cowboy announced. “This alligator is specially trained. I’m going to take out my junk and he will bite down on it and still leave it completely unscathed. In return for this s...

I got this new pair of jeans and they're really stretchy so I call them my dancing pants...

because of the ballroom.

To the guy who stole my really tight skinny jeans...

You won't be able to run, just hide.

Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans

Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a guy with down syndrome buying a pair of jeans today.

I thought to myself, "What a greedy bastard, haven't you got enough already?"

A young boy living on a farm came down to eat breakfast.

His Mother told him he had to do his chores before he could eat. He got mad but went out to do his chores when a chicken ran across in front of him so being still mad he kicked it. Momma was watching. When the cow kicked over the milk pail, he kicked the cow. Momma was watching. When a pig splattere...

Deadpool sends a sms to Wolverine.

Deadpool: Is that chick who can walk through walls still around?

Wolverine: Kitty? She's kinda dead right now.

D: Damn. What about the blue guy that at teleports?

W: Kurt's dead too.


D: How about Jean? She moves stuff with her mind right?



W: You loc...

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Jean Jacques discovers that his wife has been unfaithful to him.

So he does what so many betrayed frenchmen have done before him, he swears off women and joins the French Foreign Legion. He completes the basic training and is posted to a mission in north Africa. His detachment are stationed out in the desert, hunting Islamist insurgents.
After a month, he i...

William Shatner is going to sponsor a new line of women's jeans made to hide adult diapers underneath.

They're going to be called Shatner Pants.

Jean's mom came home after visiting her hometown

Maggie: Hey, where did your mom come from?

Jean: Alaska

Maggie: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself

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