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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

What are Mario's favourite jeans to wear?

*Denim Denim Denim*

Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?

Because it has a marrow waistline.

My grandpa just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

Grandpa: My hip replacement.

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A guy walks into a costume party wearing nothing buy a pair of blue jeans

The host comes up to him and asks, "What are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a premature ejaculation," he responds.

"I don't understand."

"Oh, I just came in my pants."

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it difficult to pull it off.

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I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

Skinny jeans are like a cheap hotel.

There’s no ballroom.

Problem with the new jeans

I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.

“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”

I was behind a fat girl in tight jeans at the supermarket checkout...

Her label said “Guess?”

I said, “ Oh I don’t know, 450 pounds?”

I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans.

I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"

I finally figured out what that tiny little pocket in my jeans is there for...

It's for my salary.

Stopped buying jeans

I could never find jeans that fit, every pair long enough would be too wide up top. So I switched to sweatpants, smaller waste of material.

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Jean

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blowjobs and smoking weed.

She was known as oral high Jean.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans.

Jean-Paul Sartre goes into a coffee shop

He says to the waitress “May I get a coffee with no cream?” The waitress says “ I’m sorry, Mr. Sartre, we’re all out of cream. Would you like one with no milk?”

“To be is to do”—Socrates. “To do is to be”—Jean-Paul Sartre.

“Do be do be do”—King Louie

I have three girlfriends

Their names are Emma, Jean and Ari. I love them all.

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and Jean Luc Picard?

Picard didn't sell Data

For our recent field trip, our teacher told us that jeans were appropriate, but we weren’t allowed to wear pairs with holes in them.

I still don’t know how we’re supposed to get the darn things on!

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Jean suspects her husband is gay

She confronts him about it one day and asks him, “Do you even love me?”

“Of course I do! I love you, Jean!”

She starts crying and screams “I KNEW IT! WHO THE FUCK IS EUGENE?!”

My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.



It runs in our jeans.

I girl once told me a story about her cut-off jeans.

She kept it short.

People named Jean are always clean

Because the first thing they're greeted with is "Hygiene".

Why shouldn’t you buy cheap jeans from Northern Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout.

Billie Jean is not my lover

She just a girl who says that i am the one

But the kid is not my son.

He can stay over for the weekend though

Good Old Vine

At a crime scene two detectives are gathering information on a murder. After gathering evidence and clues about the crime, they head back to their station and report to their boss.

Police Cheif: So, tell me about the case.

Detective 1: The victim is a teen aged boy with a brown and blu...

I dont know why catholic schools dont like ripped jeans...

They are the holy-est pants I have ever seen!

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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.

As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
<...

Inspector Javert gives up on catching Jean Valjean and opens a bakery.

But old habits die hard. The bread is on special, two for $6.01

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Bleach kills everything: mold, mildew, bacteria, black shirts, blue jeans...

But not the whites.

Fuckin white privilege...

Puma's new Jeans line has failed...

They were called Puma Pants.

Yesterday I went into the woods to looks for sasquatchs but my Jean's were too tight

You have no idea how hard it is to sasquatch with you sack squashed

Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all making a movie about classical composers.

Sylvester Stallone said, "I'll be mozart."


Jean Claude Van Damme said, "I'll be Beethoven."


Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be bach."

It was socretes who once said "to be is to do" and Jean - Paul Sartre who said "to do is to be"

And finally it was Frank Sinatra who said "do-be-do-be-do"

How does a pair of jeans cool it's self off?

It pants.

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Once, there was a French battle pilot, named Jean-Pierre

(I recommend reading the joke in a heavy French accent)

After the war, Jean-Pierre returned to live in Paris, above a local pub.

One night, he noticed a gorgeous blonde Parisian and went to flirt with her, which went well.

After a while of flirting, the blonde told Jean-Pierre,...

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

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I once talked to a chick in the club. I said "you have a nice jeans, i would want to be inside of your jeans." She said "no need for that." I asked "why?"

She: "because there is already an asshole inside."

For Halloween, my vertically challenged friend dressed like a garden decoration, but made the whole costume out of denim.

He's the human jean gnome.

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Keanu woke up in hospital

With intense pain in his chest. His son Billy was next to him in tears.

“Wha- what happened?”, said Keanu.

His son told him that a kid at school had been teasing him and was making the accusation that they were half brothers, that Keanu had slept with this other kid’s mom. They had got...

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping and Jean-Claude Juncker all jump from a plane without a parachute, in what order do they hit the ground?

Doesn't matter.

What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?

Billie jeans

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.

He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."

The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

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A homeless guy stopped me and demanded I give him £5 for some new shoes.

So I gave him £5 and followed him to see if he got new shoes. He turned down one road, picking up the pace, the end of his baggy jeans scuffing the pavement. He took a sharp left turn down an alleyway, down which I pursued him for some three or four minutes at a safe distance of around three hundred...

Men's jeans haven't really been working out for me, so I decided to try on women's jeans.

Then I realized it was the closest I'll ever get into a girl's pants.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

What did they find under Michael Jackson's pillow?

Billy's Jeans

What do you call a smart person in jeans?

A jeanius.

A newlywed couple run into their bedroom and close the door behind them. The wife looks into her husband’s eyes and says “take off my shirt, baby”

So he takes her shirt off. Then the wife says “take off my pants.” So he takes her jeans off. She smiles and says “now take off my bra.” He smiles and takes it off. “Now take off my panties” she says. He smiles even more and takes her parties off. Then the wife says “Now don’t let me catch you weari...

To the guy who stole my really tight skinny jeans...

You won't be able to run, just hide.

There's a woman named Jean who works in my lab and everyday she comes in stinking of body odor.

I don't really speak to her much and rarely say hello, usually if I pass her in the hallway I just say "Hi Jean"

Wife: Do these jeans make me look fat?

Husband: Come on honey, let's not blame it on the *jeans*.

I hate having to shop for jeans as a guy. They're all made like cheap castles.

There's no ballroom!




Sorry if this is a repost, I've never seen it posted to r/jokes before. I only just heard it yesterday from a coworker who claims her grandfather made it up. I thought you lot might like it!

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You go to a Halloween party wearing nothing but blue jeans. When someone asks you who you are, you reply, "I'm a premature ejaculator."

You see, I just came in my pants.

"Credit goes to some dudes post on something earlier, couldn't find it to give him credit. Thought it was too funny not to share."

I got this new pair of jeans and they're really stretchy so I call them my dancing pants...

because of the ballroom.

Did you know the founder of Levi's supported eugenics?

Yeah, he wanted everyone to have superior jeans.

Jean Paul and Jean Pierre are hanging out at the beach.

Jean Paul asks, "hey Jean Pierre, look at all the beautiful ladies here. How do you get them to pay attention to you?"

Jean Pierre says, "my friend, here is a little secret for you. Just take a potato and put it in your speedo, and the women will flock to you."

The next day, Jean Paul ...

I got a pair of jeans for a buck

Idk what it wanted jeans for, but I'm a charitable friend to animals.

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WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey...

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Boss: You can't wear jeans with holes in them to work.

Dave: it's a fashion trend.

Boss: Dave we can see your asshole.

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

Did you hear about the French man who always wears denim?

His name is Jean Jaquette.

Although fiber helps pass stool, you need to be careful about the type of fiber you ingest.

From my experience, T-Shirts work well but Jeans are a big no.

Jean's mom came home after visiting her hometown

Maggie: Hey, where did your mom come from?

Jean: Alaska

Maggie: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself

Why do they call diarhea a genetic illness

Because it will stay in your jeans forever

Two policemen on the door of a local man they know

"Good evening," they say when he answers. "We just found a man dead in the park and we came around here because we thought it might be you."

"How big was he?" asks the local man.

"He was about your size."

"Was he wearing a pair of jeans?"

"Yes, he was."

"Did he ha...

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What do you call a group of jeans running a marathon?

ParticiPANTS!

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

A friend tried to get me to wear jeans, a white t shirt, and a motorcycle jacket - but I said no.

It sounded like a Fonzie scheme.

I couldn't quit ripping my jeans cold turkey...

...so I'm on the patch now.

Her: Do I look fat in these jeans?

Him: Will you hate me if I tell the truth?
Her: No.
Him: Are you sure?
Her: YES! I'm sure.
Him: I banged your sister.

What material are the Pink Panther's jeans made out of?

Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmmmm

What did Jean-Luc Picard say when Engineering offered to fix his electric sewing machine?

Make it sew!

What does 'Chav' stand for?

because his jeans are to tight for him to sit.

Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Dam, and Arnold Schwarzenegger

So one day, Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Dam, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were sitting together in a bar, kicking back, drinking a few brews, talking about life and talking about the roles they'd played in movies.

As the three men talked, each was surprised to realize that all three of t...

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Why were high-waisted jeans first invented?

So you can deal with those long ass days.

What's the difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian?

A pair of jeans only has one fly on it

Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans

Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.

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I have three different cigarette burns on my right arm that have never went away.

The first one came from me being incredibly drunk and telling my friends that they could burn me with it if they wanted because “mama didn’t raise no bitch”

The second one was from being really drunk a different time and my friends telling me that I was afraid to get burned with a cigarette a...

I accidentally left my wallet in my jeans when I put them in the wash...

I got busted for Money Laundering

A farmer was working out in the field with his three daughters one day when he saw a car approach

A strapping young man stepped out of the car and approached the farmer confidently.

'Hello sir. My name's Dean, and I'm here to take Jean to the dairy Queen'

The farmer respects the lads courteous approach and says, 'Alright Jean off you go, you kids enjoy yourselves'. Not five minutes...

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For someone with a penis, wearing skinny jeans is a lot like living in a cheap mansion...

There's no ballroom.

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