The 34+ Best Sheen Jokes

How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men

BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name.

Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.

What do Martin Sheen and Donald Trump have in common?

They both played a president on TV

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

What do Taylor Swift and Charlie Sheen have in common?

Bad blood.

Did you hear about the Charlie Sheen sitcom where he's a merman?

It's called *Tuna Halfmen*

With all the negativity in the world today...

...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.

What nationality is Mr Sheen?

Polish.

What does Martin Sheen do when he gets mad at his daughter?

Rage Against The Ms. Sheen

If Michael Sheen has a daughter he should name her Florence.

And her middle name? Andthema.

Why do other actors hate working with Charlie Sheen?

Because he is bad with lines!

Charlie Sheen, Amy Winehouse, and Keith Richards walk into a bar.

The bartender, local drug dealer, and in house pimp all get measured for a new suit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Magic Johnson, Charlie Sheen and roughly 250,000 children in Africa have in common?

A continuing chance to create a better tomorrow.

You **sick** bastards.

Charlie Sheen just received an AA coin in relation to maintaining sobriety for a year

Next to his HIV diagnosis, this may be the second most positive experience of his life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charlie Sheen has a kilo of coke and five hookers, he does two eight balls and sends one of the hookers home, what does Charlie Sheen have?

AIDS, Charlie Sheen has AIDS.

Why did Amber Heard and Charlie Sheen's secret lovechild take his father's name instead of his mother's?

Because children should be sheen and not heard.

What does Charlie Sheen do when life gives him lemons?

He gives them lemon-aids

Have you heard of Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohans new sitcom?

It's called "two and a half grams"

Several years ago, Charlie Sheen said "I'm Winning"

...even now he's still remaining positive!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Charlie Sheen say when he's having sex with a Vietnamese Lady?

Nguyenning!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard a strong rumour that Clarkson and Charlie Sheen are teaming up on a new show.

It's called Second And a Half Gear, and is about test riding Hookers and drugs and punching the shit out of anyone that gets in their way...

What's the difference between the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Charlie Sheen?

Charlie Sheen's winning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when Charlie Sheen's brother has sex with him?

Emilio Incestevez

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trouble asking a girl out

So there's this kid, let's call him Jerry. He's been eyeing this girl at school for months now, and there's a big dance coming up. He knows she doesn't have a date, and he would give anything to go with her- but there's a problem. Whenever he gets close to her, he gets an erection that would rival t...

A recent study shows that a weird side effect of doing too much cocaine is really glossy skin.

Scientists are calling it the Charlie Sheen.

What do you call an unhealthy glow on your face after a week long cocaine bender?

Charlie Sheen.

Breaking news

Charlie Sheen has tested positive for every disease except corona virus

As bad as 2016 seems to be, it could be worse...

You could have got a phone call from Charlie Sheen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.

As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"

The sex wo...

Who's the best person to invite over for Christmas?

Charlie Sheen. Because you know it's GUARANTEED to be a white Christmas when he's around.

A renowned book critic heard about a new author that was rapidly gaining in popularity...

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines...

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.

The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

Amish elevator.

An Amish man and his son walk into a hotel and were amazed by all the sights and sounds of the hotel. What interested the Amish man the most were the doors that had a bright sheen on them.

He turns to his son and says "Son these are some of the most amazing doors I have ever seen." At this ...

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

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