UPJOKE
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Se Jokes

I need glasses to se my family..

specially two glasses or scotch

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

what's the fastest way to get banned from r/conservative?

source?

Here, have a joke in spanish

“sabe inglés?"

"si"

"como se dice 'un zapato' en inglés?"

"a shoe"

"salud"

"gracias”

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seX

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

Me: .seY

My friend: Have you seen “Tenet”?

Damn girl, are you a piñata?

Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.

This is an old joke that my teacher told me when I was little and most people probably already know it but I remember loving it.

A police officer pulls over a man who has penguins in the backseat of the car.
"Sir you can't have penguins in your car. Bring them to the zoo or something," the police officer tells the man.
The next day, the police officer sees the man again. Again, the penguins are in the backseat of the c...

What does 'no se' mean in Spanish?

Every time I ask someone, they tell me they don't know.

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

People are 63% more likely to believe a made up stat if you say it confidently

This increases to 78.47 if you add a decimal

A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?

Germany.

The Pastor of the local church calls on the congregation for volunteers for Bible sales....

A gentleman with a severe stutter approaches the pastor after Sunday service.

"I-i-i... I-i-id like to v-v-v-v-vol-vol-vo-volunteer to s-s-s-se-sell b-b-b-bi-b-bibles, f-fff-f-f-fa-fa-father..."

"That would be wonderful, my son. We'll start you with one box. Please go door to door thr...

I asked my Spanish teacher what "no se" meant in English..

..he said he didn't know.

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[NSFW] 3 people having se...

3 people having sex is called threesome
2 people having sex is called twosome

So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', dont take it as a compliment!

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

So other day I was chatting with this one girl who wasn't that tech savvy per se. The conversion went like this:

Her: HEEEEY, HOW ARE YOU??

Me: Uhh try pressing the Caps Lock.

Her:OMG AWESOME, NOW I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING SHIFT!!!!

What do you call a Portugese person by themself?

A PortuGOOSE

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What do you get when you put the iPhone se and the iPhone 10 together?

..... the iPhone sex


i'll see myself out

I ate my mom...

Se knocked te computer on te ground so now some of te keys on te keyboard aren't working rigt.

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What do you call men from the sea?

Mermen. You fucking weirdo.

A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist

Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se--"

Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?"

Frenchman: "It Cinq"

Many people told Beethoven that he would never be a musician because he was deaf, but

Did he listen?

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Are you made from Na, selenium and xenon?

Because you are sodium SeXe.

A Catholic Priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Blue Whale walk into a bar

The bartender asks what they want to drink

The Catholic Priest says, "I want to celebrate the spirit of the Lord. I will have a glass of red wine, to represent His blood and suffering".

The Rabbi says, "I will have a glass of Mogen David Kosher wine, to represent the reading of the Kid...

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3 men die on Christmas and wake up in heaven

Upon waking up they meet st. Peter.
He says they need something with them that represents Christmas to enter heaven.

The first man finds a lighter in his pocket and says "this is a candle"

St. Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out his keys and starts shaking them "these...

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- Is there a doctor in the room?

\- I'm a doctor

\- This man is having a heart attack

\- Well, I mean I'm a doctor in Spanish linguistics

\- He's dying, for fucks sake, he's dying!

\- Se está muriendo, coño, se está muriendo!

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Did you hear about the pornstar that could cum in one second?

His name was Juan Mississippi.

The pessimist doesn't se the the light at the end of the tunnel, the optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel, the realist sees the train in the tunnel...

... and the the train driver sees the three insane people on rails.

A rabbit walks into an electronics store

He goes up to the counter and bangs his hands down hard on it to get the cashiers attention.

**\*BANG BANG\***
"I'd like two carrots please."

The cashier is naturally surprised by everything about this interaction, but being the professional that he is politely says, "I'm sorry, b...

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

A game developer recently released a "rectal prolapse simulator"...

...they called it "Fallout".

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Nazi Knock Knock Joke

Nazi: Knock Knock

Person: Who's there?

Nazi: * slaps person * WE WILL ASK SE KWESTIONS!!!

Did you see the newspaper headlines about the Christmas Eve robbery at the German bakery? It said…

STOLLEN STOLEN!!

A man goes to the urologist

A man goes to the urologist. He walks in, takes down his pants and takes out his member.

"Doctor, doctor I have a problem. My wife says I'm premature."

"Premature? I'd say she has a point, I'm only the receptionist. Hold on a minute, the doctor will se you in a bit."

One day a son asked his dad

"Dad, who is an alcoholic?"

The father replied, "Do you see those two ships? An alcoholic would feel like he is seeing 4 of them."

Son replied, "But dad, there is only one ship."

There was an accident at the toll booth

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces.

Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and...

Why did the man fall down the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well

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What do you call a man out of semen?

se

Sergeant: I didn’t see you at camouflage training.

Private: Thank you, sir!

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A woman was resting in the hospital after giving birth.

As she watched the Doctor and nurses clean up her baby she noticed a look of concern on the doctor's face.

"Is my baby okay doctor?" she asked.

"Well," the doctor replied, "there's nothing wrong per se. Your baby is otherwise healthy. It's just that we've discovered your baby is inters...

I love Sweden and I love goats...

So, I went to the website goat.se... let's just say it was not what I expected.

A man with a stutters sits on a train

He asks his neighbour: "e e excu cu se se m m me, wh wh what t t ti time i i is i i it?"

His neighbour remains quiet. This repeats a few times until a friendly person takes a pity and answers the stuttering guy.

After the stuttering guy leaves the train, the friendly person asks the...

A friend told me that in Germany everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese,

It’s the Wurst Kase scenario!

8-year-old Arthur went to his father to ask him something.

- Dad, what’s the name of that thing where one person lies on top of another?
Arthur’s father was shocked with the question, but he decided to tell him:
- My son, I don’t know how I should explain this to you. It’s called se—
- Wait, dad, I’ve remembered it! It’s a bunk bed!

Ruth, a young blonde woman, was driving her Ferrari waaay over the speed limit,

…so she gets pulled over be the police. The police woman, who also turns out to be a young blonde, walks over to the Ferrari and signals Ruth to roll down her window. With the window open, our blonde police officer demands to see Ruth’s drivers license and registration. After finding the registratio...

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We're doing Spanish jokes now?

My buddy told me this one:

¿Como se cambie el sexo de un burro?

Enciérralo en un cuarto hasta que se aburra.

A man finds a magic lamp while fishing.

When he rubs it, a genie appears and says: "You have three wishes, but whatever you get, your mother-in-law gets double."

The man asks for enough money to be the richest person.

The genie says: "Done. What do you want for your second wish?"

The man asks for ten dream vacation ho...

A security guard was working at a train station..

It was late and the train station was very quiet. Apart from him there was no one else in the station but one other security guard.

Half way through his shift a man came strolling into the station. Noticing the security guard he made his way over to him.

The security guard greeted the ...

I want to know if this Spanish joke translates at all

What’s the similarity between a boat, a firefighter and a family?

The boat and the firefighter have hard outer coverings (cascos).

*and the family?*

They’re good, thanks for asking!




(Original Spanish)
¿Que se parece entre un bombero, un barco y una famili...

Me at interview

Interviewer: Where do you se yourself in 32 days

Me: I dont know I dont have 2020 vision

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I sometimes enjoy jerking off to religious porn but then I usually feel very ashamed....

...and have one of those come to Jesus moments.

I swear

I went to US a few years ago and asked for directions to nearest gas station.

A dude comes up and says" Go straight for 3.5 football field and you will see there is a 4.2 washing machine wide road and 6.8 fridge wide road. Go in the fridge road and you will see the gas station after your c...

Did you hear about the guy who can talk to sneakers?

He converses with them

Two old men, one French and one Spanish were sitting on a park bench.

When a beautiful young girl in a miniskirt walks by. Just as she passes them a breeze comes along and lifts the girl's skirt up revealing she's not wearing panties. The French man looks at the Spanish man and says "C'est la vie" and the Spanish man exclaims back "Se la vi, tambien."

What happens when entropy meets an exponential equation?

Se^x

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A recent study shows people with trace amounts of Arsenic, Selenium, Astatine, and Erbium have the longest lasting relationships

The best couples always have an AsSeAtEr

3 men go for an interview

3 men go to an interview for a sales job and the boss calls them all in and says “Whoever goes out and sells the most dictionaries can have the job”.


So the first guy goes out, sells a few dictionaries and comes back.


“How many did you manage to sell?”


With an upbea...

What is the most common death among square dancers?

Over Do-se-do.

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Donald Trump decides to visit Mexico to see the progress of his border wall.

While out in the middle of the hot sun he notices a pond of water by a farm. Thirsty, after having drunk all the water he brought with him, he decided to kneel down and take a drink.

An older Mexican man approaches him and says “No bebas el agua, las vacas se han cagado en ella.” (Translated...

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What's the worst advice calculus can give you?

Integral of e^x because that's Se^x dx and it's never a good idea to sex the ex!

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The little red riding hood was walking through the forest going to grandma's house

In the midle of the forest, she saw a big shadow behind a tree, she went to see who's there, only to find the wolf.

She asked: Are you the wolf?

He stared at her and answered darkly: Yes i am..

She screamed so hard and ran away as fast as she can till she got tired. After a whil...

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to be read in the voice of george st. pierre (NSFW)

so there is this french canadian guy out in the bar, in alberta, he's having a few drinks he's buying rounds, having a real good time. he meets some girls, starts buying them drinks, and next thing you know he's out on the dance floor, making out and working that french pelvis of his, and with his ...

What do you call a blind trig function?

Se-cant.

How do you get down off an elephant?

You don't. You get down off a goose.

Official language of the European Union

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has ac...

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Two men are walking down a country road.

They come upon a farmhouse. Exhausted from their journey, they decide to seek food and lodgings. They knock on the door and are greeted with a smile.

"Might we trouble you for a meal and a place to sleep?" they ask.

"Sure!" the farmer responds, "But you'll have to harvest one hundred o...

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Three daughters

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their se*ual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just afte...

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Engineering pickup lines

Engineering pickup lines:

Hey babe, what's your factor of safety?

Can I use my sigma to find your tau max?

What frequency does it take to make your O-me-ga

How big does your period need to be to reduce our frequency

How about you and I go have a couple moment
...

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So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II and she says

"Watch Francis! With a wave of my hand I can make every loyal subject go completly hysterical." So she waves her hand and every loyal subject goes completly apeshit.

Then Pope Francis tells her "Well Elizabeth with a wave of my hand, I can give every Irishman and Scotsman eternal joy." To whi...

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A raccoon walks into a bar

”One beer, please” the raccoon orders. The bartender is an old stuttering gentleman:

“O-o-ne b-b-eer co-co-ming up pa-pa-nda...”

The raccoon is very annoyed: “Let me just correct that for you right away, I’m actually a raccoon, I am not a panda”

“Y-y-es. O-o-ne be-e-er co-co-mi...

A man finds a lamp in the sand . . .

He rubs it and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

Now the man is smart, so he knows that the genie will twist his wishes around on him. He's also depressed, so he doesn't mind *too* much if things go really bad. So he decides to se if he can use some reverse psychology on the genie....

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Tax Man (long)

One morning, a man got a call from the IRS.

IRS Agent: "Mr. Smith, we have noticed some large discrepancies on your account. We would like for you to come down to our office so that we can clear this issue up."

Mr Smith: "Gee, that sounds like a big deal. Should I bring a lawyer?"
...

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