If someone made a sculpture in Minecraft of J-Lo.

Would you name it Jenny from the Block?

I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles.

The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air.

The FBI, CIA, and Los Angeles Police get into a bragging war about their tracking skills.

To settle the matter they agree to a contest between their best units. Whoever can track down an elusive white rabbit in a ten thousand acre forest wins the contest.

The FBI organizes a vastly complex operation with dogs, forestry experts, sharpshooters, the works.

The CIA takes sate...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

Did you know I can fly on United Airlines from Los Angles to New York in just 60 seconds?

I even called and asked how long it would take, she told me "just a minute"

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

J-Lo's new nickname

Jennifer Lopez is called J-Lo. She dropped the last 3 letters of her last name. She got rid of them. Dispensed with them.

Doesn't that make her a pez dispenser?

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

Lo Siento Sir

I hate being greeted formally in Spanish because it makes me feel like I'm having a señor moment

Ladies and gentleman, Los Angeles has become the epicenter of this horrible disease. But if we work together with my new plan, we can make sure it doesn’t get worse.

So that’s why I’m calling on you, to stay home — if you want to. It’s good if you stay home, but you should go out to support local businesses, but safely at home unless you want to go.

And if you want to go to the mall: don’t, but you can, but you shouldn’t, but you won’t, but if you work at...

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I ...

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

If James Bond was Spanish.

"My name is Bond.

James Diego Jose Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios Bond."

My cup is full & running over

A man is walking on a beach in Galway. He comes across an old lamp. He picks it up and rubs the dirt off it. Lo and behold, a genie appears. The genie tells him a sad tale of how he's been trapped in the lamp since the days of the Kemat empire. Also tells him, he'd promised 3 wishes to any one who f...

The longest drum solo.

Was 5 hours and 23 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on United Flight LY51 From Newark to Los Angeles.

What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?

CAR-LOS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?

UCLA

Run-down Farm

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's wo...

‌‌A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S h‌‌ospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Himalayan Dick BABA

A man had a tiny penis. He went to doctors,surgeons, faith healers , witch doctors etc to try and get it larger.
All their knowledge was in vain as they could do nothing about it.
A relative of his who saw this, told him about a baba who lived on the peak of the Himalayas who had been kno...

A couple years ago, I was scheduled to be the keynote speaker at a dyslexia convention in Los Angeles.

As I prepared for my speech, I wrote some notes and jokes on an index card. Most of the jokes came from r/Jokes.

Unfortunately, I was in a car accident the day before the convention, and I ended up in the Emergency Room. They took such good care of me that I was ready to give my speech the ne...

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

Can't believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick

How low can ya go

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman overhears her 8 year old son playing with his train set.

As he's moving his train around, he stops the train and says "This stop is Los Angeles. If this is your stop, get the fuck off. If this is not your stop, stay the fuck on."

The boy moves the train around for a minute, and stops the train once again.

"This stop is Seattle. If this is yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Los Angeles Sherriff just recently ordered gun shops and strip clubs to close as they are deemed nonessential business as protection from spreading COVID19.

Good. I still have my Sex Pistols. Stay safe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

Plane Trip

Getting on a plane today, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother-in-law who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles.

She gets off at 6.

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box.

The bartender is quite curious and asks the man what’s inside.

“I’ll show you if you get me a beer”, the man says.

The bartender accepts the deal and gets the guest a beer. He then opens the box and takes out a ...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

A billionaire gets an idea to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii

He approaches a civil engineer to design this massive bridge for him.

The engineer tells him, “Look, this isn’t a matter of money, it simply can’t be done. The Pacific Ocean is too deep, no concrete beam could support the pressure of the depths, let alone the thousands that would be needed to...

When the smog clears over Los Angeles...

... U.C.L.A.

I am not at all sorry for this joke.

Spanglish joke

A lady in a tight skirt is at the front of a line of people trying to get on a bus. She starts to climb the stairs but stops, apparently unable to lift her feet high enough due to the restrictive skirt.

A man behind her attempts to pick her up, and she swats his arms away, saying "ya lo pues"...

What's the difference between a dollar and the Los Angeles Rams?

A dollar is good for 4 quarters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man stops 2 friends and I leaving a bar...

A man stopped 2 of my friends and I as we left a bar one night.

He ran up to us eagerly but quickly pulled a knife out and began threatening us.

He said “If you’re dick sizes don’t add up to 21 inches exactly, I’m going to kill you all right here”

Me, being the leader that I a...

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

What’s the best question to ask when you meet an actor in Los Angeles?

Can I have some more coffee?

I Think I Know You

A lot of people walk up to me and say I look very familiar, but the conversation usually stops when I ask if they were in the Los Angeles County State Prison also.

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport....

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom."Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful fligh...

Prawn again...

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other was called Christian. Life was good, except that the prawns were constantly being chased and threatened by sharks. Finally one day, Justin said to Christian, "I'm tired o...

Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?

O.J. Simpson.

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

Why does New York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles have lots of lawyers?

Because New York got to pick first

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The stubborn duck

A duck walks…waddles into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says, “Got any coffee?”

The barman says, “No - we don’t sell coffee. Only beers, wines, spirits and soft drinks.” and the duck leaves.

The next day, the exact same thing. “Got any coffee?” says the duck.

“No”, replies the b...

A wealthy man threw a party.

He had recently purchased a tank filled with sharks, alligators, piranhas, and other aquatic animals that could kill people. He told the guests that anyone who swam across would get 3 wishes. No one dared to try it so the party continued.

About 10 minutes later, there was a splash, and there...

I flew to Los Angeles today.

Everyone told me that security there would be really strict, but honestly, I thought the whole thing was very LAX.

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything i...

Work has already begun in preparation for the 2028 Olympic Games in Los Angeles

Mostly by ISIS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o smok‌‌e wee‌‌d an‌‌d g‌‌o t‌‌o class...

Snea‌‌k i‌‌n te‌‌n minute‌‌s lat‌‌e wit‌‌h ‌‌a bullshi‌‌t excuse‌‌. Slin‌‌k dow‌‌n lo‌‌w a‌‌t m‌‌y desk‌‌. Pra‌‌y t‌‌o Go‌‌d nobod‌‌y aske‌‌d m‌‌e an‌‌y questions.

‌‌I wa‌‌s th‌‌e bes‌‌t teache‌‌r ever.

I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles

Now I have SoCal anxiety

Two elitist gamers meet each other and discuss their favorite online games

Gamer 1: "You play WoW? LoL"

Gamer 2: "You play LoL? WoW"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer in Los Angeles helped make history last month

His client was a UPS driver accused of sexually harassing a woman while dropping off a package. He figured his best chance to win was to fill the jury with people who saw this behaviour as normal. So, he manipulated the process to fill the jury exclusively with male porn stars. It was the first time...

A man took an airline to court after they lost his luggage

He lost his case

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lion, king of the jungle, gets bored

So he decides to visit his friend the fox and tells him about how bored he was..

The fox says to the Lion "you know, rabbit lives next to you, maybe you can fuck with him to pass the time"

"But how?" Says the lion

Fox - "next time you see him, if he is not wearing a hat give him...

A radio DJ is on air and comes up with a competition

The winner will get £1000 if they can come up with a word, not in the dictionary without checking.

Several listeners call in but unfortunately their responses were already in the dictionary.

Hamish, a Scottish listener, phones in and says "Goan"

The DJ checks the dictionary an...

Having immigrated at 1 and been raised in Los Angeles

by two hard-working first generation Korean parents,

I still struggle with insecurities, some of which are

worsened by deeply ingrained Asian stereotypes from my past.

Just the other week, my Caucasian friend Jessie and I hit the links

and I tee off 250 yards straight dow...

How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport

Re:LAX

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

Little known fact, Moses had a motorcycle

It literally says so in the Bible:

"And lo, the roar of Moses' Triumph was heard throughout Israel"

China Online

What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?

Lo Ding

Three dinosaurs stumble upon a lamp in the desert.

One of them rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. "In exchange for freeing me, I shall grant each of you one wish," said the genie.

Excited and clamoring amongst each other, the dinosaurs began to dream of meat.

The first one piped up, "I wish it would rain pepperoni and drumsticks!" The...

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Joke my Dad told that Im pretty sure I heard a comedian do once

So theres these three guys on a construction crew. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. Everday the italian guy gets pizza and he says " if I get this one more timea Ima jumpa offada buildinga!!!"

The irish guy pops open his metal box, lo and behold hes got mashed potatoes loaded wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

*Please just keep reading*

He orders a drink and notices a jar of money sitting on the bar table. He then asks the bartender

“Hey bartender, what’s with that jar full of money?”

“It’s prize money” the bartender replies

Puzzled, since the man was not aware of any current c...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his friend are hanging out one day...

One of the men pulls out a cigarette, he asks his buddy for a light.




His buddy pulls out a massive lighter from his pants.





"Holy shit, where did you get that huge lighter?" asks the first man.



The second man replies "I got it from my wish gr...

What's the difference between Los Angeles and Kim Kardashian?

One is a dirty, washed-up place many great men have visited. The other one is a city in California.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surprises

The farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud voice, “Dad, dad, the bull’s fucking the cow.”

After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his son and calmly says, “Next time, son, be a little less explicit. Yo...

Another good thing to come out of the Supreme Court forcing Trump to disclose his taxes

We're gonna finally learn if having teenage hookers pee on your face is claimed as entertainment expense or medical.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men and a camel in the desert

Two men were stranded in the desert. They had a camel with them to carry all their supplies, but by now they had been walking for days and were out of food and water.

They were so dehydrated that their tongues were swelling in their mouths and they could barely walk.

Lo and behold the...

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

The Photographer

>A Los Angeles agent representing a wealthy photographer called and asked to speak to his client. "Brittany, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
>
>The photographer replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
> ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Pakistani prostitute in Los Angeles?

Lahore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy from New York, a guy from Los Angeles, and a guy from Austin, Texas are discussing the women where they're from...

The New York fellow slams his beer down and declares, "Where I'm from, all you need to do is walk up to a woman, buy her a beer, and you can stick your cock in her!"

"That's nothing!" says the Californian. "Where I'm from, you just walk up to a girl, say hi, and you can stick your cock in her...

I met a very famous asian gamer today.

His name was Lo Ping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two irishmen, lost at sea...

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the...

Going to church in Chicago

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.

As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?

He laid hi...

There was a burglary last night at the Los Angeles Police Department headquarters.

The thief or thieves stole all of the toilets.

When asked about the investigation, and LAPD spokesman said they have nothing to go on.

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

This is a joke that from several decades ago, and was recently shared with me

The local government just finished paving a highway, and is hiring crews to paint stripes down the middle. He hires a crew of 5 guys (the og joke says mexican but thats not pc) and one (used to be polish) guy (again, not pc).

The first day of painting goes by, and the crew of 5 paints two mil...

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The story of Dave (Not my joke)

Once upon a time there was a man named Dave. Now Dave worked in a small business office where just about all his co workers knew each other well. One day, Dave’s boss wants to get to know him better so he invites Dave to go out to lunch. While they were eating lunch and talking about various things,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

As a landlord, the most laid-back renters I ever had were a Chinese restaurant.

They were lo mein tenants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a bunch of passengers are boarding a plane to Los Angeles...

...when the captain and first officer come on board. Each is wearing thick sunglasses and carrying a walking stick, which they use to feel their way through the cabin towards the cockpit, tripping and stumbling as they go. Many passengers are understandably quite nervous, but several awkward laugh...

Kanye West hospitalised in Los Angeles. At this difficult time, our thoughts and prayers go out to...

...all the hospital staff.

Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them?

In Watts.

I'll see myself out now.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a series of city-wide riots, the mayor of Los Angeles imposed the harshest curfew ever: anyone outdoors after 10 pm will be shot on sight!

On the very first night of the curfew, a cop shot a black kid dead at 9:45. The police chief dragged the cop in for questioning.

"What the hell you doing shooting a guy before the curfew even started!?"

"Sir, I know where that guy lives. He never would have made it home in time!"

A Brass Rat

A collector of brass objects was strolling around an old antique market when he spotted a long forgotten brass rat pushed into a far corner of one of the shops.

The purchase was soon made and the man departed. However, he hadn't gone too far when he noticed a rat running up behind him and wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man. An especially unattractive man.

He had sex when he was younger. But the older and uglier he grew the less women wanted to be with him. At present he hadn't had sex in over 30 years. No prostitute would sleep with him. Not even a blowjob or a handjob. Such was his level of ugliness. He had given up on jerking off years ago. He need...

When the Mexicans finally invade and take over Los Angeles, what will the city be renamed to?

El Eyyyy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man arrives to the airport with three bags

A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?”

The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossibl...

What does a Los Angeles police officer get at a strip club?

a LAPDance

A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish lady is sitting in a restaurant sipping tea.

When 3 nuns walk in and sit at the table next to her. They start talking about where they want to go on vacation.

The second nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to Jerusalem?"

Mother Superior says "No, too many jews there."

The third nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to N...

A lonely man lives a lonely life

^title

He lives alone, works alone, and plays his video games alone.

Now, he has tried to make friends but whatever he does...

-he always finds a person with a corrupt heart who uses him

-a person who is outright selfish and mean knowing he has no other friends

-or...

The Bell Ringer

A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those stairs to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mark and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk.

Lo and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda-Lou to show Mark her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do.

Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Mark and Linda-Lou fucking right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yell...

I live in Santa Monica, Los Angeles. My girlfriend is taking a flight from London to come see me. I have promised her that I'll go pick her up from the airport

We'll both leave our respective houses at the same time :|

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 couples participated in an experiment about orgasms.

Each couple was shown a room with a bed full of sensors. Above the door leading into each room, was a special meter, akin to a speedometer, able to indicate up to 100.

So first round, couples do their routine stuff, and go see their meters. 20, 40, 60. There was a locked door however, the met...

Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles...

In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy.

They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't.

The flight attendant said, "Sorry, but we don't serve Peanuts on this flight."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

9 Inch Pianist

A man walks into a bar with a bag. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano.

The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to show the bartender an old genie bottle. He rubs it, and out pops an old, ...

This comes from my 5 yr old neighbor's ankle bitter: What do you call a broken can opener?

A can’t opener. Get it? A can't open her. LoL!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surgeons

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."




The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful young blonde boards a flight...

A beautiful young blonde boarded a flight, but refused to go to economic class and insisted that she get to stay in business class.

When the first stewardess asked the lady to move, the lady simply responded: "I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles."

The stewardess could...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy businessman lives in Los Angeles.

One day, as he's working, he hears a voice in his head that says, "Sell everything you have and move to Las Vegas."

He thinks it's a little odd, but shrugs it off and continues working. A few days later, the voice returns. "Sell everything you have and move to Las Vegas."

He shrugs it ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school...

A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school he attends.

His parents try putting him in Jewish schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in public school. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Montessori schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Military s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.

Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"<...

The Pilot and the Priest

A pilot and a priest have died and are waiting in line outside the gates of Heaven for entry. When they reach the front of the line, St. Peter beckons the pilot forth.

"Who are you, so I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" he asks.

"I am Joe Dohn of Los Ange...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.