What's a French gamer's favorite gamemode in halo?

Regicide!

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

Mother Theresa goes to Heaven

Mother Theresa walks through the pearly gates and sees princes Diana. She asks the angel Gabriel..."Hey...I spent my whole life working to help others...why does Diana have a halo and I dont?" Gabriel answers..."That's not a halo...that's a steering wheel"

Too soon?

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an american history professor decided that he wanted a large mural painted in his home.

he called in a famous artist and explained to him that he wanted him to paint what he thought general Custers last thoughts were during his last stand. he went on holiday and he returned see a mural of a large praying heifer with a halo above its head surrounded by many native americans in erotic se...

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese phone.

*wing wing* β€œHalo?”

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Woman in the 1800s becomes very upset after seeing the painting an artist had done for her. She says to him, "I tell you I want a painting commemorating my husband's last thoughts, and you give me cows with halos and Indians making love?”

"Miss," he says. "Those are your husband's last thoughts." "Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians."

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Prince Philip meets Diana in heaven

So Prince Philip enters the pearly gates and one of the first people he sees is Diana - whom he notoriously didn't like.

"Hello my dear, what a lovely halo you have," he says.

"Fuck off Philip, you know it's a steering wheel."

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

The Right Choice

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears i...

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends and they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good...

Larry and Sam did so much together, that they even died together.

Larry went to Heaven and Sam went to Hell.

Larry was doing well in Heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to b...

Patrick died and went to the gates of heaven

There he saw a man with a halo sitting behind a table waiting. As he approached the Saint looked up and Patrick saw two keys hanging around his neck on a chain, the keys to the pearly gates themselves. This must be St. Peter, Patrick thought.

''Hello Patrick. I just have to check through you...

Microsoft has developed a special version of the Halo 3 rendering engine which can run within LibreOffice Calc spreadsheets...

It's called Halo3.**ods**t

Another joke for my cake day.

The sand crab and the horse shoe crab are the best of friends. They do everything together.

Then one day the horse shoe crab dies. He goes up to heaven and Saint Peter meets him at the gates. Saint Peter asks him if he has any questions and he says no. So Saint Peter gives him a harp, a...

Why didn't Bungie stick with Halo?

Because it wasn't their Destiny.

Two men, Chlorine and Fluorine walk into a bar. The bartender greets them

Halo gens

If Gravemind from Halo did product placement...

We exist / Together now
Two corpses / In one grave
Burma-Shave

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General Custer

General Custer just died at his infamous last stand, his wife, making funeral arrangements speaks to his best friend who was also at the battle. " You we there in his final moments, I want you to make his tombstone commemorating his final thoughts and wishes." Mrs. Custer says, thinking it's thoug...

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

A man dies and goes to heaven

He sees Saint Peter, and starts to tell him a joke
"Masterchief and Cortana walk into a bar.."
Saint Peter cuts him off
"Is this about Halo?"
"Yeah"
"Don't bother, its just going to go over my head"

I don't get all this hate and sarcasm against the cybertruck.

Slap a minigun on its back, and it's Halo irl.

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The artist and the museum (long)

An artist is approached by a man who says he's to be the curator of a new museum dedicated to General George Custer and he wanted to hire the artist to paint a mural that was to be the centerpiece of the largest display.

The artist agrees and asks the curator if he had any particular subject...

Why did Jesus lose his Halo?

Nobody wanted to play on his team any longer after he had a 0 and 2 kill/death ratio and it took him 3 days to respawn.

An Englishman gets a job at a French restaurant...

"...halo and welcome! Before y'begin work 'ere, you must be aware of corona," says his boss, pointing at a poster of it. "It is an infectant disease dat spreads easily so all must have dissinfectant." "Understood. I'll make sure so!" the Englishman declares.

But then later the new employee di...

A man in Moscow decides to take his own life.

He is tired of the constant ambivalence that permeates his daily interactions. He can no longer stand the contemptuous scorn of the plasticized women, the bullying bravado of dishonest men sneering from behind the tinted windows of their Mercedes-Benz.

Exhausted of hope, he walks the narrow ...

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It could be worse

An angel said to another angel who broke their halo that it could be worse.

A rich man who was divorced from his wife said to himself that it could be worse.

A mom told her son whose xbox broke told him it could be worse.

A poor person who broke their arm said it could be worse....

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

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Custer's last staand

A very wealthy woman decides she wants her drawing room ceiling completely painted over. She hires an artist, and tells him that she wants him to paint a Western scene, centered on General Custer's final words. After giving him these instructions, she goes on vacation.

Two weeks later, she re...

What's Lionel Richie's favorite video game?

Halo.

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Custer's Last Thought

There was a man who was obsessed about the wild west. Cowboys and Indians, this guy loved it all.

One day he was in his house looking at his already massive collection, and suddenly he gets an idea how to expand it furthermore.

He calls up a painter and says "I want you to paint me a p...

I used to play my Xbox so much when i was a kid, I'd forget to brush my teeth.

Worst case of Halo-tosis you ever saw.

This joke was actually the first thing I ever posted to Reddit, just not to jokes.

Edit: actually it was to r/jokes...

Edit again I just realized it's my cake day so, reason for reposting my bad joke.

Two clams

There's two clams, one is named Jerry and the other is named Sam. They're swimming in the ocean and Sam looks at Jerry and says "I wonder what it's like up there, I'm going to go find out" Jerry tells Sam it's a terrible idea and not to do it but Sam does it anyway. Sure enough he gets swept up by a...

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Colonel Custer's widow [NSFW, language]

Heard this on the Sopranos, hopefully won't screw it up.

A few weeks after his death, Col. Custer's widow felt it necessary to commemorate her late husband. She found one of the best painters of the time and asked him to paint a mural of Custer's final moments. A month goes by and the paintin...

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An avid art collector wanted to add a new piece to his collection...

So he want to an artist's gallery and asked "my good sir, could you paint me a picture depicting Adolf Hitler's last thought?" After a few minutes of thinking the artist said "certainly. Come back in a week and I'll have it ready for you.

So a week layer the collector returns and meets the a...

Three Nuns cross the road...

They get hit by a bus, die and go to heaven.
They reach the pearly gates and St. Peter is there waiting for them.
As they line up, St. Peter says "Right ladies, in order for you to get into heaven you must answer a question each." The Nuns nod and agree.

St. Peter turns to the first Nun...

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A billionaire commissions an artist to paint a mural in one of his currently white walls in his mansion...

The billionaire is a huge history buff. He tells the artist to depict his interpretation of the final thoughts of General Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn. He trusts the highly recommended artist that upon his return in a week, the mural will be incredible.

The billionaire returns a w...

When Mother Theresa died and got to the Pearly Gates, she was stopped by St Peter.

He told her, "Before I let you in, I need to ask you a few questions."

As he was saying this, Mother Theresa looks over his shoulder and sees Princess Di.

She exclaims to Peter, "Why am I out here answering questions after everything I've done in my life and Princess Di is already in...

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The Queen of England dies and goes to heaven.

Naturally, she spends her first few hours there catching up with all of her dead friends and family members. Eventually, she sees Princess Diana, and they start chatting, but Queen Elizabeth is clearly distracted. Eventually, she finally asks, "Diana, dear, why is it that nobody else here has a halo...

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General Custer's Wife

So General Custer's wife goes to an artist and asks the man to draw her husband's finally words.

A few days later, she returns to the artist. The painting he's made consists of several piles of manure that have halos, and a group of Native Americans that appear to be having sex.

Irate,...

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A business owner is looking to have a painting commissioned...

He has this decently sized white wall in his office, and asks a local artist to paint a mural on it.

The artist asks, "Well, what kind of mural were you thinking?"

The owner is a huge American History buff. He thinks for a bit, about the revolutionary war, the civil war... he decides ...

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An artist is commissioned to create a painting...

portraying Colonel Custer's final thoughts before he died. After 6 months of work, the artist reveals the painting to the museum director.
To the director's dismay, it is a painting of a lake and fish with halos around their heads jumping out of the water. There are also Indians fornicating o...

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Sopranos Jokes

Here are two pretty good jokes from the HBO television series:


A rich man and a poor man are friends. Every year they go Christmas shopping for their wives and every year meet up and get dinner afterwards.

At dinner the poor man asks the rich man "So, what'd you get for your wife ...

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