UPJOKE
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No Good Jokes

“It’s no good, it’s over” said Julie. “You are so bad in bed.”

“Oh come on,” said the man affronted, “how can you tell
after 15 seconds?”

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My new girlfriend reckons I'm no good in bed...

...but I don't see how she can make a judgement like that in less than a minute.

No Good Question Goes Unbilled...

A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was. The lawyer says, "$100 for three questions."
"Isn't that a bit steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," said the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"

No good genie

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wi...

I suspect, the gears on my bike are no good.

Of late, they have been very shifty.

Why are fish no good at tennis?

They don’t like getting close to nets

Why are there no good jokes about black holes?

Because they suck the most.

Early funerals are no good,

If your not a mourning person

"Your money's no good here," said the bartender.

"And that 'Get Out of Jail Free' card probably won't work either."

No good deed goes unpunished

Like the other day when I gave up my seat to this old, frail lady, only to lose my job as a bus driver.

Why was the puppy no good for radio?

His paws were too big.

Why are there no good bar jokes with lawyers?

Good lawyers passed the bar.

Why are Welsh farmers no good at producing animals?

They only rear sheep

I bought my wife a Ferrari for Xmas.She said that's no good to me,I want something that does 0-to-160 in less than 3 seconds.

So I bought her bathroom scales.

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

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Food puns are no good

When scientists discovered a new plant, they were all like, "Rad!" But when they tasted it, it was just Rad-ish.
The other day my wife cooked up some green balls for me to eat, but I was all like "Bitch, Peas?"
The following day my wife made corn squashed into balls. When I tasted them, they w...

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

*nervously plays with tie* "I'm sorry. I'm no good during job interviews."

"That's ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk."

What do you call a German with no good inside?

Guten free.

Why are the cars built by communists no good?

'cause they're constantly Stalin!

Why are Asians no good a football ( soccer) ?

Because whenever they get a corner they open a shop !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were these two brothers, always up to no good.

They lived in a small town, where every time something went missing or something was vandalized or any mischief was made - they knew it was these two boys. Their poor mother was at her wit's end. She decided to ask a local preacher to talk to them. He agreed but asked to see them one at a time, the ...

Why are there no good jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?

The punchline is too long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the eyes of God, there is no good reason to Masturbate...

In the eyes of my girlfriend, well she prefers it on her chest.

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

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So this chick tried to claim I was "no good at screwing" just because I sucked on her titties and then nutted on her thigh before even putting it in...

But I mean.... who *really* got screwed on that deal?

A Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests.

He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids.

Believing that their daughter was guaran...

So I'm in a bar the other day and the guy next to me was drinking brake fluid, I said "you know that stuffs no good for you?!"

He said, "its fine, I can stop anytime"

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