UPJOKE
amatoryamorouslovingsentimentalromanceromanticistquixoticromanticisticwild-eyedimpracticalloverloveeroticmelodramaticcharming

Romantic Jokes

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"

His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."

He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"

My husband has been very romantic lately..

.. but I don't understand why he always signs his poems with "regenerate answer".

I want a girl who likes long romantic walks

Because I don’t have a car or any money

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.


EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

Where is the most romantic place to sit in the Chesapeake area?

By the Bae

What did the hopeless romantic baker say to his dough?

l knead you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic....

Maybe they just want each other to shut the fuck up.

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.


"But you're naked!"...

A couple are on a date in a romantic restaurant...

A couple are on a date in a romantic restaurant. As their order arrives, the wife looks around and notices every table has a couple having a romantic candlelight dinner date.

The man on the table to her right says to his date, "pass me the sugar, my sweet Sugar"

The man on the table t...

Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love...

But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic...

A romantic dinner.

-Honey, I don’t know how to say this...

-Don’t worry babe, just say it.

-It’s just that...I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, feel like I don’t know how to say this.

-Go ahead, I’m here

-Arnold Swchcwartzenegger

I'm reading a romantic novel in Braille

So touching...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

"I took my date to the bar last night. It was very romantic. I got us a table and ordered a brandy."

"Snifter?"

"No, we just held hands."

How did the hipster refuse a romantic engagement?

He said he was bespoken for

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy says to his wife "gimme a blowjob."

She says "Honey, could you PLEASE be bit a bit more romantic?"

He says "gimme a blowjob in the rain."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A store opens which sells husbands (long)

A few women think this is cool and decide to try it out. When they enter in the building, an employee tells them the rules: on each floor there is a door with a list of qualities the men on that floor possess. The women must choose whether to go into that floor to shop or move up to the next floor. ...

My wife and I had a great romantic courtship and then got married on the summit of Mt Everest

But it was all downhill from there.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way...

Why were the tangerine and the mango so romantic?

Together, they tango

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elderly Romantic Text Message.

The wife, a retired

college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.




One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a ...

After a romantic dinner, a couple cuddled up for some discussion

Husband: Am I the only one you've been with?
Wife: Yeah, the rest were eight or nine

My romantic relationship

Seriously. It's a joke.

2020 was a romantic year.

It took our breath away.

Never get into a romantic relationship with a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

The most romantic first line, and least romantic second line.

- I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But keep the paper bag upon your face.
- I thought I could love no other -
That is, until I met your brother.
- I love your smile, your face, your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
- My love, you take my breath away.
What've you steppe...

What does a romantic bachelor and The Chinese Communist Party have in common?

They will both steal your heart.

TIL about Romantic-era Trading Cards

In the Romantic period, the ever-bored 1% invented the first form of trading cards, with holy Christian figures as their rare collectibles. Franz Schubert was one of the most prolific collectors, though before he could complete his collection, an untimely death took him. As he lay dying, he expresse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like to whisper romantic things after sex

Like “ Hey... go home”

I like the romantic moment in a relationship.

It happens somewhere between that first kiss and the restraining order.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

An Inkling kept making romantic advances towards me.

I guess she was trying to woomy.

I thought it was romantic to secretly swap my girlfriend's backpack for a bag of roses.

Her skydiving instructor didn't.

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

I took my date for a romantic time at the Four Seasons..

She was ecstatic and bought several rare seedlings and pots of plants.. 5/5 would recommend!

A romantic Xmas shopping trip

A husband and wife go shopping for Xmas presents. After a couple of hours of scouring the shelves at the big department store, the wife realised she couldn’t see her husband anywhere. She phoned him to find out where he is.
 

*“Sorry dear, I wanted to go and get you a surprise Xm...

Are you a romantic man?

Yes. When my wife comes home late, I turn on the candles, let the place fill up with nice and warm water and throw in some soap.

So she can immediately start doing the dishes.

What's more romantic than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came home from work to find my wife had arranged a romantic night-in.

She stood there, dressed in a see-through polyester negligee, "You're in for a night of hot passionate sex," she said.
Dousing herself in perfume, she lit a host of scented candles.

I stayed for half an hour at the burns unit, but then thought, "Fuck it" and went home for a wank.

Difference between Romantic and Horror Movie

After watching a romantic one, you look for your teddy to hug.
After watching a horror one, your teddy starts looking at you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

One romantic evening...

A man is screwing his wife.

All of a sudden he stops and says, “Your chest is too flat and your box is too tight!”

The wife responds, “Get off my back!”

Husband and wife are having a romantic dinner

Wife: I love you so much! I can't live without you!
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It's me... talking to the wine.

Space may sound romantic...

But I'd never take a date there; there's no atmosphere.

What do you call sibling lemon peels getting romantically involved with each other?

Inzest

What is a Neckbeard’s favourite romantic comedy?

Love Ackchyually

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I go out for a romantic meal twice a week...

She goes on Thursdays, I go on Saturdays.

Got the check after a nice romantic dinner

And my date **expects** me to pay the bill just because we're married

Me: Wow! You dimmed the light within 5 minutes. Aren’t you romantic?

Optometrist: Sit, please read the letters on the screen.

I was thinking about watching a romantic movie with my girlfriend tonight,

can anybody suggest me a good girlfriend? :)

Apparently screaming 5 second rule

Apparently screaming 5 second rule when eating out your girlfriend isn’t considered romantic when she falls off the bed.

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together....

...but only one of them knows about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having an affair with a married woman.

The man had a romantic evening at her place and were about to have sex. Suddenly there is a knock at the door.

The woman tells the man “My husband is here. Collect your clothes and get out from the window.”

The man did not have time to get dressed and he is naked outside on the road an...

My stats prof is so romantic...

He keeps talking about his Bayes' Theorem

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to be romantic and gave my wife a certificate for our anniversary

I wrote that she can have great sex anyway she wants it.
She jumped up kissed me on the forehead and said she’ll be back in a couple of hours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wives and husbands stores

There's a store somewhere in a small town that advertises selling ready-to-go husbands for women who wish to settle down. One day a woman walks in looking for a husband.

As she walks in, she sees a sign that says "Welcome to Husbands 'R Us! This store has 6 floors. On each floor you will fin...

I went for a romantic break with the wife

She came out of the bathroom and said "take off my dress"

As I peeled off her dress, she said "take off my bra"

My hands trembled as I unclasped the strap. Then came "take off my knickers"

I slowly pulled them down, and she shouted

"and I don't ever want to catch you wear...

Why can't Donald Trump and Melania have a romantic getaway in Mexico?

He always wants to take the kids.

When a Prince Kisses a Sleeping Princess, it's "Romantic"...

...but when I give a shoulder rub to the lady sleeping in front of me on the bus, I'm "banned from riding the bus"

romantic comedy about middle aged people playing tennis

40-love

Two day ago, my wife watched a romance movie.

That night, we had a romantic dinner.

Yesterday, she watched an erotic movie, and last night was fantastic.

Today, I'm deleting all the horror movie channels.

What was the romantic with a foot fetish looking for?

a sole mate

Am I guilty of being romantic? You be the judge.

A bottle of champagne on ice, sweet love songs playing in the background, a trail of rose petals lead to a bed on which I'm lying naked. The bedroom door slowly opens and I whisper those three special words....
Happy Birthday Dad.

Ladies that eat Tide pods should be aware it could negatively affect their chances for a romantic relationship. Odds are likely that it will...

...detergents.

A long, romantic kiss... and then -

She: I think I swallowed your gum.

He: No, I just cleared my throat.

Why is the eel considered the most romantic animal?

Because its a moray.

Was starting to get romantic with a woman last night

As usual I began crying uncontrollably. After getting home it took forever to wash the pepper spray off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Batman and Robin go out for a few drinks

Both superheroes are exhausted after a long week of non-stop crime fighting, and decide to chill for a few a hours at the local watering hole.

Robin knows his friend has been working way too hard and for long hours. So he thinks, what the heck, he can get drunk and relax. He decides to remain...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife trained me from masturbating while she was sleeping.....by trying to be romantic and holding my right hand....

She never saw my left hand coming

want a smart girl, a nice girl, a romantic girl.

But most importantly, I want these women to never meet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is titty fucking a girl the most romantic way to make love?

Because it's when you're closest to her heart.

Wherever you are, if you need a romantic evening, call 180-LONG.

It's the International Date Line.

Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic.

But the cop didn't think so.

One night, after a romantic meal, I was walking home with my girlfriend, and I decided it would be the right time to propose to her.

So I turned to her, looked her in the eye and got down on one knee. But, as I was grabbing the ring, the old local drunk named Joseph came by. He'd injured his eye and was wearing a cotton patch to cover it. No one knew where he'd once lived and he never told. But, he stumbled over, grabbed my girlf...

Having some romantic time with yo girl when she asks you to go deeper

But you run out of poems.

What did the necrophile say when his girlfriend told him to be more romantic?

"You're dead to me."

Does anyone know of a kind of relationship where you and the other person have a caring and mutual bond -- but you're not romantically attached to them, and you're not their family?

Asking for a friend.

Recently, I've been getting worried about the number of posts I've seen about people's romantic lives with their SO...

I'm glad to say I now know 'SO' does not mean 'Superior Officer'.

What is it called when two tectonic plates have a romantic relationship?

Subduction!

When this crisis is over and you had to choose between a night out drinking with your mates or a romantic dinner with your wife..

Which pub will you be drinking in ?

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

Attractive. Brainy. Romantic. Faithful. Makes good food. Gives great head.

-- Online dating profile of a male praying mantis.

A woman hits up a guy in a bar

They go to her apartment and make out. Then out of nowhere, the guy starts kissing her neck, softly at first, and then it bursts into a wild ride of biting and sucking, driving her into depths of pleasure she has never had. The guy seems to be pretty experienced, choking her and then stroking her ne...

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper a...

Tom cruise is going to star in a romantic movie about trying to stay aroused long enough to get his wife pregnant.

It's called 'emission impossible'

Man in bed with his wife... Slides his hand slowly across her shoulders... across her waist.. under her neck... below her neck... under her back.. & suddenly STOPS! Wife: (in a romantic voice) "Why did you stop?"

Man: "Got the remote, you can go back to sleep."

Etiquette rule #381: When on a romantic date with a lady, you feel the need to use the bathroom, excuse yourself by saying:

Excuse me, I need to go shake hands with a dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to later tonight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tattoos his girlfriend's name on his penis.

A man is dating a woman named Wendy, and as a "romantic" gesture, he gets her name tattooed on his penis, but when he's flaccid, only the first W and final Y are visible.

One day, while he and his girlfriend are on holiday in Jamaica, he is standing at a urinal, when a black Jamaican man wal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex without light

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.


Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.