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I want to be as strong as Rocky Balboa

So i beat my meat every day

Thailand was having a rocky trade relationship with China

China refused to trade in Thai Bhat, but the Thais noticed that they had no problem trading with South Korean money. They decided to adopt Korea's currency and imported a trillion Won so they could use it to trade with China.

Unfortunately, China said it does not recognize the legitimacy of T...

What does a Single Lemon have in Common with Rocky?



Sliced alone

The US and Chinese virtual summit got off to a rocky start today.

They kept having issues with Xi Jin’s ping.

Please, no jokes about the passing of singer and 'Rocky Horror' actor Meat Loaf.

For a great many people that's a rather tender subject.

Rocky + Bruce lee = ?

Broccoli

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level He described a typical day this way:

'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big tre...

Why did the ice cream truck break down?

It drove over a rocky road

I once had a girlfriend who was obsessed with Sylvester Stallone movies, but at the time all I wanted to watch was Arnold Schwarzenegger. We'd argue frequently, but in the end she'd always win out.

Needless to say... It was a Rocky relationship.

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.

Visitors should also carry a pepp...

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Classic Rocky and Bullwinkle pun

On a December trip to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, Ferdinand Feghoot was summoned to the local college, Wossamotta U. by Inspector Fenwick, the Chief of Police.

There he was confronted with an appalling scene. Bullwinkle, the town's leading citizen, had been smashed flatter than a kippered her...

Beer convention

There's a beer convention in town, and all the CEOs from all the beer companes are there. During a break between seminars, a few of them went down to the hotel bar for a drink.

The Anheuser Busch CEO says to the bartender, "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers," and he takes his drink and...

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Rocky has broken his leg and his buddy Bob comes over to see him.

Bob: How are you doing?

Rocky: Fine. Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs and get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Bob goes upstairs and sees Rocky's hot twin sisters lying on the bed.

Bob: your brother sent me up two have sex with you girls..

Twins: Prove it!
...

A comedian opened his act by saying "Yo, Adrian!"

His show had a rocky start.

I named my pet rock "Rocky".

Not because it's a rock, but because it has difficulty speaking.

Rocky Balboa had the eye of the tiger...

...and a lifetime ban from the Philadelphia zoo.

What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?

Give up? A mountain.

Yeah but what about the ears?

You never heard of mountaineers?

Your loving son , Rocky

A father passing by his teenage son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.


Then he saw an envelope propped up
prominently on the center of the pillow.

It was addressed "Dad".
With the worst premonition,
he opened the env...

I invested all my money in a sylvester stallone action figure

my finances are a little rocky.

The CEOs of Miller, Budweiser, Cours, and Guinness walk into a bar

The CEO of Miller says to the bartender, "I want the best beer you have, a Miller Lite."

"Oh no," says the Budweiser CEO. "Your head is on backwards. Me, I'll have the king of beers, a Budweiser."

"I'll have the only beer brewed with Rocky Mountain spring water," chimes in the Coors C...

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Rocky Mountain Oysters.

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just...

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

Apparently Sly Stallone is in talks to make Rocky 8.

In this one he’ll fight Arthritis.

My name is Afterhim because my father was a big fan of Rocky Balboa

So he decided to name me after him

Just found- Lost Scriptures from the Book of Paul.

It is Good Friday and there are multitudes of people gathered around Mt. Calvary wailing, worshiping, and witnessing the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, now nailed to the cross atop this hill for all to see. Jesus cries out, "Paul...Paul... Paaaulll.." Paul hears this and to prove he is a good disciple...

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A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant, they sit down, and the waitress takes their order, the man says "I'll have a number 5 with a large coffee", and the chicken says "I will have that as well". When they finished their meal, the man walks up to the counter to pay, and he reaches into hi...

It was going great with my girlfriend until she started putting her Sylvester Stallone dolls in the middle of the bed.

Things have been a little Rocky between us ever since.

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Johnny walked in the the ice cream store

He asked for one scoop of chocolate and one scoop of vanilla.

The man behind the counter says "I'm sorry, but we are all out of chocolate."

So johnny says "hmm, in that case I'll take one scoop of strawberry and one scoop of chocolate."

The man looks at johnny and says " I'm sor...

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Two guys in a Learjet

Two guys in a Learjet are crossing the Rocky Mountains when the engines fail and the plane is going to crash.

As they are falling to their certain death, the pilot calmly reaches to his pocket and pulls out a shiny pink lipstick. He puts the lipstick on, then tears the steering wheel out of t...

Once there was a man and he had 5 dogs.

Once there was a man and he had 5 dogs. Every day he went walking with the dogs. Once day, he met a woman with 5 cats. They got talking and soon they were meeting everyday. They walked from the local supermarket, past the bar and down to the church. They got married and all five dogs married a cat e...

Girls fart too

A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents. While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:

-Rocky!!

The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more...

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender g...

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A man suddenly dies and is cremated...

The mortician not knowing what to do with the ashes contacts the man's last 3 lovers. All 3 were also men.

Upon arrival, the mortician take the 3 men into his office and asked, "please tell me what you would do with this man's ashes if I hand them over to you?"

The first man's says, "...

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Guy goes to his doctor who runs some tests and comes back "I'm afraid you have cancer and you only have 6 months to live"

The guy asks "are you sure? Is there anything I can do?

The doctor says "We've run all the tests twice and we're quite certain. However, you might want to go over to UC Berkeley and enroll in Professor Hoffman's CS357 computer science class."

This guy is puzzled "Will that help me li...

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, nuts and marshmallows.

I have to admit it was a rocky road.

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Three men are sitting naked in a sauna.

“My wife has a nickname for my penis. It’s so hard and fast, she named it after the boxer, Rocky,” says the first man, who is, coincidentally, a boxer himself.

“Well, my wife says that my schlong is so long, it’s like being impaled, so she’s named it Vlad,” chimes in the second man, with a s...

John Denver used to own a weed shack

It was called "Rocky Mountain High"

What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?

We've got a rocky road ahead of us...

I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies.

Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start.

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My Dad's bear story.

A long time ago, my Dad worked on the Canadian Geographic Survey, which took him into the Rocky Mountains.

He told me this story about it.

Dad: I was working with my coworker all day, and then we returned to camp and started cooking dinner. The smell must have carried on the wind, an...

I want my rapper name to be 'Delayed Rambo'...

so that one day i can perform with A$AP Rocky.

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you're adding raisins and marshmallows

it’s a rocky road

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The Birth of Baby Ruth

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediate...

A group of adventurers embarks on a quest

"DragonFlameKing", who is the highest level in the party, gathers the others before they begin the quest to discuss strategies and check their supplies.

-Alright, gear and equipments look fine so hear me out for a little bit. This quest is not too demanding but it's still hard. I am a Juggern...

While we are sharing terrible time wasting pun jokes... this is the worst one I have ever heard

A friend of mine told me this one some years ago. It is the worst joke I have ever heard in my life.

A mad scientist, up on his secret sea-side mountaintop lair, is working on a life extension serum. He has nearly perfected it, and is about to begin testing it on dolphins.

Unfortun...

Another Irish joke involving beer

While attending the World Beer Conference, the CEOs of Anhueser-Busch, Coors, and Guiness went out to eat together. When the waitress asked them what they would like to drink, the CEO of Anhueser-Busch replied, "Get me a Budweiser, the king of beers!" Not to be outdone, the Coors CEO told her, "I wa...

A surgeon is planning on marrying his girlfriend, but her father refuses to allow him to do so.

After months of persuasion, the surgeon has gotten no-where closer to getting married, even though he’s done nothing to upset his girlfriend’s father.

But one day while at his normal job at the hospital, the surgeon receives news that the father is on his way to the hospital in an ambulance,...

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A young man was having dinner with his girlfriend's family

and he wanted to make a good impression, but unfortunately he had diarrhea and gases that day. His stomach was aching with the gases, but he tried to maintain it. Despite his heroic efforts a small fart leaks out. "Rocky!" the mother scolds. Looking down the young man sees the family dog cower near ...

Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment.

The conversation got rocky.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs inside a quarry?

Rocky!

Guy walks into an ice cream shop

And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says “Careful son, you’re heading down a rocky road.”

My family issues

So I've always had a rocky relationship with my brother. But to be fair he was always a little unusual. When he was 16 he shaved his head and got tattoos all over his face. When he was 18, he legally changed his name to Radio. He got some plastic surgery done and filed his teeth and became a Kris...

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The little rooster

It is a beautiful summers day when Rocky the rooster is taking his son out of the house for the first time.

"Son" the rooster says, "today you will become a man!"

The young rooster jumps up and down in pure excitement. "What are we going to do dad!?"

"Well son, my buddy Jeff tol...

When you have a pet rock

Friend: What are you doing?

Me: Training my pet rock

Friend: That's dumb

Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*

Me: No Rocky, No!

Deer Hunter

A hunter was stalking a deer on the ridge across from him when he noticed the deer was somewhat wobbly and seemed to be squinting. Looking carefully through his rifle scope, he soon realized that the big buck was standing in the middle of a patch of marijuana, happily chewing away. Taking careful ...

What did the wife boulder say to her husband boulder when she wanted a divorce?

It’s been a rocky relationship, I think it’s time we broke up.

What's a boxer's favorite movie?

Rocky.

I'm sorry... Did you expect a better punchline?

Bad Dad Joke:

Q: Did you hear two University Geologists broke off their engagement?

A: the relationship was rocky from the start

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A Marine takes a seat between two Rangers on the last flight out of Iraq...

After a rocky take off the marine takes off his boots, stretches, then announces he is going to get coffee and offers to get some for the rangers. They oblige and after he walks away the rangers get to talking.

"That's friendly of him." The first says.

"Yeah, normally marines are assho...

I’d would love to show you my Sylvester Stallone impression

But it’s really Rocky.

I recently got a loan so I could start my own ice cream business...

I'm going to have a rocky road ahead of me.

I told my dad "Look, I got a B in reading!"

He said "That's a D you idiot."

-Rocky Laporte

http://www.cc.com/video-clips/m25nl8/comedy-central-presents-birthday

An Italian stallion was tripping down a old bumpy road.

When a woman drove past. A little while later she thought: " Well, that certainly was Rocky. "

The key to a long marriage (My 85 year old uncle, a retired investment stock broker, used to tell this to his clients. He told it to me and I thought I'd share it)

A pastor was addressing his congregation about marriage and staying together. He asked his flock:

"How many couples have been married for 1 year?"

a bunch of hands rose

"How many couples have been married 5 years?"

Still a lot of hands rose

"How many 10 year couple...

Dead crows

There were many dead crows on highways in the Rocky Mountains this year. Ornithologists suspected it was due to vehicles hitting the crows.

This was surprising because crows have adapted to feeding on carcasses by having two birds watching from the trees while two birds feed. If there is a v...

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Railroad tracks, a horses ass... and rockets! [Long]

The US standard railroad gauge (the distance between two rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches... an exceedingly odd number.


Why was that gauge used?

Because a number of the early railroad lines in the US were built to fit standard-gauge locomotives manufactured by English railroad pioneer G...

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A short true tale about Ireland, quiz-shows and Hitler

Decades ago when I lived on the rocky coast of West Cork, there was a quiz show called "Quicksilver". It had a top prize of something like $1.25 (perhaps a bit more), and the contestants were just average people. In one show the contestant was asked for Hitler's first name. He thought about it, smil...

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