UPJOKE
refuseturn downspurndisdainscorndeclinepooh-poohdismissrenouncedisapproveturn awaypass updenyignoreeliminate

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When I was in law school, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

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My patent for a gold-plated butt plug got rejected

Apparently Apple has cornered the market on expensive toys for assholes.

A wife said, "Do you see that drunk guy?". The husbands said, "Yes. Who is he?". The wife said, "He proposed to me 10 years ago and I rejected him." The husband said...

"Oh my God! He's still celebrating."

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Rejected porn titles. ( You can do this in the comments too. )

The grim deeper

Hole-y enlightenment

Sesame street after dark

Johnny johnny needs his sugar and milk

What can you say about a narcissistic man with 2 personalities who's trying to ask himself out but keeps getting rejected?

He's in a love-hate relationship.



(Side note: you ever just...be at work...and turn around...and start working backwards? :) )

Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card?

Because he applied for a MasterCard.

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what were the three rejected names for condoms

The jizz mittens,cum kuisi,and the kidnappers

I decided to travel to the US.

At the Embassy for the visa interview...

Officer : Where to in the US?

Me : San Jose

Officer : It's pronounced as San Hosay. J is pronounced as H in the US.

Me : Oh, okay!

Officer : So how long do you plan to be in the US?

Me : From Hanuary to Hune or Huly.<...

A son, who had rejected his father's wish for him to follow in his footsteps as an ornithologist and left home as a young man, returns many years later. After dinner, the two go for a walk.

The son sees a large bird flying overhead. Out of a sincere desire to reconnect, he points it out, and says, "Father, is that a hawk?"

Understanding the gesture, the father does not want to correct his son by informing him that it is actually a vulture. Instead, he offers a hint.

"Ca...

Bought a shop vac online, but they rejected my product review as "too ambiguous"

I said that it didn't suck

An attractive co-worker that I’ve been working with for 3 years confessed to me today, but I rejected her.

One way to spot a woman with low standards is when they start liking me.

What do your friends say when you get rejected by your sister from Alabama?

Damn bro you got chromo-zoned.

I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil.

It wasn’t 2B.

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The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

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I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early

The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care

Apple just came out with a new WatchOS update, but I rejected it.

Not on my watch.

What did the beaver say when his crush rejected him?

Dam.

A young lady, destitute and rejected by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
...

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my best/worst joke

Sorry for any formatting/language issues!

A man is sitting at work, when suddenly his supervisor walks by and asks:
-hey man, how are you doing? Listen. I need to ask you something. Have you ever seen a penguin?
The man thinks for a second and answers that no, he hasn't.
-YOU HAVE N...

My paper got rejected because it didn’t have any pictures.

Figures...

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I was having a bad case of diarrhoea so I called in sick to work. However, my plea was rejected

Apparently having a lot of shit to deal with isn't a valid excuse.

I was applying to volunteer at a blood drive, but they rejected me when they asked me to demonstrate drawing blood.

I guess they didn't want me to use crayon.

After almost thirty years of working hard in school, applying myself at college, and training and serving in the Air Force my application to become an Astronaut was rejected.

Turns out my mom was right, if I apply myself the sky's the limit.

I asked my crush out and got rejected. My friend was shot in a school shooting on the same day

Well on the bright side, atleast I wasnt the only one that got shot down.

Got rejected by long term girlfriend,after I took her to dinner at a fancy restaurant,mustered up the courage,got down on my knee and finally proposed

A threesome with my wife.

Trump visits a pig farm.

Trump visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.

"President Trump among pigs," "President Trump and pigs," "Pigs around President Trump," -- all is rejected.

Finally the editor makes t...

Did you hear about the New Ager who rejected anesthetic when he had a cavity filled?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

I wanted to donate blood, but they rejected me.

They asked if I was positive.

I said "Yes, I'm sure of it"

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A young lady hands in an application form...but she gets rejected the first time.

A young lady hands in her application form. She wrote "Prostitute" where she had to state her occupation. The other lady at the counter quickly assesses it, and says that unfortunately, a prostitute is not eligible.

"Ok" says the frustrated young brunette, "how about I put down cock farmer?"<...

My work colleague rejected me today.

She said we were better office friends.

“Weird Al” Yankovic on Tuesday rejected fans’ requests for a “My Corona” parody about the deadly coronavirus.

That would have gone viral.

Guys you don’t need to be attractive to never get rejected

Just be ugly enough that no girl wants to talk to you, it’s worked out for me..... so..... yay..

A man committed suicide after being rejected at a singing competition...

He just couldn't face the music.

I used to get rejected about 50% of the time, but then I finally found the one and got married.

Now it's more like 90%

My submission for a new drug name was rejected by big pharma. I don't know why.

'Dyquickr' is a perfectly good name for a cholesterol lowering medication.

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If you've ever been rejected by someone who wanted to wait until marriage to have sex,

One might say you were chaste away.

Big bird's flock rejected him because of how tall he was...

He was ostrich-sized.

I keep getting rejected.

First my parents

Then my girlfriend

And now my blood.

Getting rejected by women? Try my new question: "If I were to ask you out, would you say no?"

Sometimes it just feels good to get a "Yes".

A vegan applied but was rejected for a job at Burger King...

She didn't meat the requirements.

I used to be Fat and rejected, but then I thought things had to change so I went to the gym every day for 6 months and I got fit. And now I am

Just Rejected!!!!

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A new stipulation which would have allowed medical marijuana to be prescribed for constipation was rejected in Congress today...

The Congressman’s closing remarks were “shit or get off the pot”

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What did Hitler say when he got rejected by the Academy of Fine Arts?

Mein Crafts!

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day

your body rejected the transplant and you died.

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a classically dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".


The smartly-dressed man says "Th...

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An escort goes to the hospital

She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous.

She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?”
The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?”
She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve b...

why did the bee get rejected?

because he couldn't beehive.

Shia Labeouf got rejected for a job he applied for...

During a practice run he caused negative results.
Apparently he wasn't what the suicide hotline was looking for.

If I had $1 for every time a girl has rejected me...

I wouldn't be single anymore

I tried to convert to Judaism, but they rejected me when they found out I was uncircumcised.

I guess I just didn't make the cut.

An oceanarium took out an insurance policy on their trained seals.

One day one of their seals got injured and needed treatment. However, the insurance company rejected their claim.
The reason was: "Warranty void if seal is broken."

A Man Walks into a Gun Store...

The man walks in and looks around until he gets to the Safety Items. He Looks joyfully With a big smile at a Pair of Headphones, Books, then Bingo. He picks up a protective Vest and goes to the counter Happily. The Cashier asks for his ID and asks Him, "Why are you so Happy?", The man responds with,...

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I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book

It's about a vixen whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.

I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army.

Neither of the 3 are very happy about it and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam. As They are waiting in line at the doctors office their desperation builds up untill right before it's the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox: "Fox I might h...

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